Thu 9 Feb 12, 4:47 PM
SeanT70
9 yrs
 |
The Grammar Monster ®©
- by Sean.
- An All-Star Read.
Once upon a time, there was a website called TSR..there were many members on the website who spent long arduous hours sitting beside their nice, warm log fires, rubbing their hands together, waiting for the next post to roll in so they could flame it.
"HA! What can we write about this one?", they cried, "Nothing! Flame the Usurper, the spelling is atrocious...", booms the loudest Grammar Pilot of them all, handing out baseball bats.
"Uther, get the girls together, we've got ourselves a poster to lynch!", shouts Dagobert. Uther peels the wrapper off a fresh cigar and dusts his Cap'ns cap off, thinkin' 'Ah well, no boats about, but what the heck, I look the part!', and saunters off to round up Adela, pet_girl and nau...where 'is' that girl again?! Never around when ya want her these days 
While the group of troublemakers get themselves together and pile a nice stack of bagged sugar lumps up, and enough booze to sink a small cruise-ship next to the camper van (because we're waiting on you, Uther, to provide pictures and details of the road equivalent of one of your yachts. So, when ya ready, Cap'n!), Tanos sees a site-growth opportunity and scurries away to run off some tickets for the new 'Lynching Venue' (behind the potting shed in the darkest part of the woods at Bridgewood)
With pencil behind ear, Tanos shows the gentlemen the newly printed tickets to be sold at the front of the very makeshift 'driveway' (Tanos..wellies..mud, you get the picture), and at that very moment, a Jeep pulls up, driven by Valyrian, and with him, of course, his pet, Glinda, and naughty.
"We found naughty running down the road in her heels, figured on picking her up before she got arrested for jay-walking!", said p_o_V.
Another thought bubble appears above Uther's head 'This is weird, all this lot have turned up, and no-one made any phone calls. Must be the free sugar they can smell'...................
"How are we gonna get the Usurper to the Lynching Ring?", Glinda asks eagerly sizing her digicam up for another YouTube masterpiece. "Leave that to me and Lord", naughty shouts dragging a seemingly never-ending length of pink rope and a ball-gag out of her toybag. Grabbing an arm each, and with the help of Dagobert, they tied the frothing Usurper to the camper van's rear bumper and gagged it.
"Here, use this, I don't like things to be untidy!", Glinda said chucking her camera bag at naughty as a makeshift hood for the captive troll-oops!
Once the Usurper was secured, the Motley Crew loaded the van up, with the booze, and supply of sugar, and trundled off down the driveway to set up before their audience were due to arrive.
The Lynching Ring was fairly basic; a rather large puddle in between two trees, and lots of wet sticky mud all around. Next to the potting shed in this 'elegant' nightspot, were some very oddly, but conveniently placed deckchairs all laid out in rows, with numbers, as if someone had been waiting for this event to happen for a while.
Unlocking the shed door, Lord finds a quite amply laid out bar; glasses, ice machine..even a supply of half decent cigars for those that might indulge. p_o_V, pet_girl and Dagobert help Lord finish unloading while Glinda takes a quick look around the place and naughty carries on with a load off, feet up on the dashboard of the van, whistlin' to some tune she found on the radio.
As the song draws to an end, naughty decides she'd better join the others and steps out of the van, only to get one of her heels stuck in the mud, and with that, she stumbles back, and lands on her backside in it. "Awww SH*T!!", she screamed. p_o_V, Lord, and Adela burst into fits of laughter at her. naughty clambers up and reaches towards the van to get back up, grabbing for the first thing she can lay her hands on for support - a loop of one of the sugar lump bags. Just when she thought she had enough momentum to pull herself back up, the hoop snapped, splitting the bag in the process, and she tumbled back again, spraying sugar lumps all over herself, and everywhere surrounding her.
Valyrian comes out of the shed sipping a pint of the black stuff, and giggling, pet_girl sidles over to naughty, "Come here, sweetie, let me help you up.", naughty grabs hold of pet's out-stretched arm with both hands and pulls herself up - and pet down with her. "Oh fu....crying out loud girl, I'm covered in sugar lumps now!", shouts pet. They briefly wrestle in the mud, but on seeing how broad the boys grins were when they thought they weren't being watched, pet_girl and naughty abruptly agreed to stop and sort it out later, in favour of providing a sideshow if there was 'profit' in it.
As the two girls went of to get changed for the show, dusk starts to fall and the 'guests' begin to arrive. Playing usherettes, Adela and p_o_V show efficiently to their seats and serve drinks and snacks.
In the front row, 333 sits next to the newly returned MistressK, Master_Odin, slave_nebulina, SIR_Conwolf and his girl, Rowans_rhua, pet_ka_MJ. Tucked behind them some shadowy lurkers and other 'guests'.
To the left angled, SL_precious sits next to 902-660-194 and her lawyer, who sticks a sign in the mud; "TSR: Total Sugar Rights!", slave_torianna and Master_Will1, Mistress_Rebekah and yet more paying lurkers, shirkers, and guests (did anyone tell the guests the seats at the back are more expensive? Join the bloody site!)
Having all been suitably catered for, a rowdy chant breaks out from the back row "Lynch the Usurper!!..Lynch it now!!. pet_ka_MJ and 333 search into the audience for the chants origin, because that sort of trolling isn't on the ticket (home printing for ya, right?)
Darkness falls, and a sudden beam of light rises..crackling music starts on an old refurbished grammaphone, and lo! The Usurper, in the shadows, tied akimbo between the trees, with Dagobert and Lord standing either side of it, looking rather proud of themselves.
"Wait, who the hell shoved 'that' up there?", Adela giggles, pointing at the large pink vibrating contraption lodged in the Usurper's backside, as they all turn Australian to get a better look (turning Australian..looking upside down, whilst standing upright - I'm English remember? )
Everyone looked at each other in turn, and simply rolled eyes. As if they didn't know who.
Glinda takes all the spectacle in on camera, angling as much detail as possible in the poorly lit surroundings. The crowd erupts, and the games begin! "What does the Usurper have to say for itself?" shouts Dagobert, in his exacting, grammatically correct voice.
The Usurper lets out a muffled growl as Dagobert and Valyrian hold a cross of baseball bats under the things chin. "It should be allowed to justify its actions. Let it speak! I am a Lord after all, bow to my orders minions, laughs!", passing round behind the Usurper to untie the ball-gag.
Lord looks at the thing, rubbing a baseball bat somewhere suspicious, "What say you, Usurper?!", the Usurper hisses back, "It has done nothing, have I, ask it's master!
Munching on the snack gratuities and getting quietly wasted on the free booze, the crackly music getting louder, the audience quickly becomes enthralled in the scene in front of the it.
The chants of "Lynch it" become more unified as the reality of the crime becomes apparent.
The captive gets more nervous as the chants get louder, and Dagobert and Lord become more forceful with their lines of question..."What has it done, tell me that, you fools!". The fellas start circling the Usurper, slapping the baseball bats in their hands, Glinda moves round in a slow circle in time with the action, filming everything for the YouTube "Oscar Nominations"
Then all of a sudden, "STOP!", cries SL_precious, "What's that noise?", as Valyrian stops the crackle of the grammaphone. The noise grows louder, the chants die down, and almost blinding headlights break through the trees. "HOLY F***" shouts Lord, "RUN!", and everyone clambers to dive for cover but can't because somehow, since their arrival, a thick, and rather tall 'net' (that be the internet, gerrit?) has surrounded them. Just then, a massive 'POING!!'.....
"That has AUP piped all over it..take cover!!", shouts Dagobert........."SPLAT!", covering the entire place in a huge, huge foam custard pie.
Cleaning themselves down, the members and guests quietly discuss what the hell just happened to them, as the Usurper, covered in foam, almost manages a laugh at the spectacle front of it. With that, Glinda takes the camera bag, fills it with handfuls of foam, and replaces it firmly back on it's head.
In all the confusion, Dagobert says "Did anyone notice where naughty got to? Been gone for ages", just as the tractor door slammed shut. "I'm right here, sugar. That's what ya'll get for choosing ME as Sheriff!" grins naughty, unclipping the craftily hidden entrance to the nets, pet_girl following a couple of steps behind.
As the two walked back towards the shed for a well deserved drink, pet_girl's foot got stuck in some wet mud, she stumbles back. Naughty looks down at her, and winks..."About that side-show..."
Have fun,
Sean  |
