SeanT70 wrote:
shygirl wrote:
Confused
I have always been submissive for as long as I can remember and practiced this.
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OK, fine, you're a sub, but wait...
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...I met my current partner and told him straight away that one day I would like to be in a M/s relationship. He was not phased at all as he is naturally dominant and he agreed that he wanted this too.
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OK, fine, so he's a Dom, but wait...
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However I have quite a strong mind and I am not sure he has control of me.
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...still waiting? Cool.
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In fact I am awful sometimes and I hate it. He also tends to only want to get me to do slave duties near bedtime and sex is what is on his mind.
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...and you can't see where 'his' control of you at 'his' level is, OK...wait...(you're frustrated, just like living in the situation you are, yeah, I know...)
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I do not want this although I will take what I get at the moment. I want to serve him completely. How do I encourage him to be 24/7? It should not be hard as we live together.
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So, now, what you're saying, is, you're lying to him, yourself and putting a brave face on because that's the way you think it'll make things better? No, it doesn't work like that.
You wanna encourage 24/7? You might not be able to, because like I said, he had control at a level he wants or perhaps this is all 'he' understands it as.
So, OK, wait some more...(while you think about how it's not about just living together, you've allowed him to set up a false premise in his mind of what dominance is over you...daft that, so of course it might be harder than it should)
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Is there anyone out there who could message him on here to give him some direction before we cannot continue. I feel so strongly about this that I worry that we may break up if we do not do something soon.
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Well, I could, we could, but is that our job? Really? This isn't 'Relate'; this is a board about M/s, D/s and allsorts - if it's a fundamental issue with your relationship that's the problem, then really, seriously, no - sorry!
Browse the boards, 'you' encourage him to read them about what you think's needed to make you work, and take it from there, but realise, that after all, you guys may not be suitable to each other's needs - it happens.
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I do not want just a vanilla or part-time M/s relationship.
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Perhaps that's part of this issue; he might just see it as 'nilla with some kink (hence the bedroom and prior to bedtime stuff, and why not, if that's what 'he' wants) - the problem being, it really isn't is it..you needing full-time submission and all.
Now, to bring all this together..from where you were waiting;
So, you're pretty much a life-long sub that has needs (we get that part); what have you done in practice of this? (outta curiosity), and now you have this guy with you, who you believe to be dominant, but are you really sure he's just not used to getting his own male way? Or was it just that he won you over when you first dated (or whatever), and nothing has really changed since then...?
See, it's clear from what you've said, that he does have expectations; the simple most outstanding issue here though, is, the expectations of you that he has, aren't the same ones you want him to have and it makes your skin crawl.
That's pretty much why you kick up in a reactionary cycle to illicit a response to get him to dominate you. Will he? No, because 'he' gets what 'he' wants at bedtime.
Good sub after all - even though the ideals of what a sub should be doing are completely different - in fact, if anything, even though he could be accused of being gentile about his control, he'd be right on this subject, because he 'does' have control, else why would you be complaining he doesn't? (...doesn't control you in a way you like, I mean..)
The simple thing is this; he thinks being a sub 'is' what you are now - perhaps he knows no different. Show him. What have you done about submitting to him full-time, instead of having him making you submit? Do you think, then, that if you're seemingly less likely to be dominated by him (in his estimation, not yours), especially given that you've already said about your attitude being awful sometimes and such, that he wouldn't so much as bother trying, and go off and watch football, which of course is 'very' 'nilla, and would drive you nuts!
It just seems like neither of you can see the woods for the trees on opposing sides of the forest. Walk into the clearing in the middle, sit, and talk. Don't be getting others to intervene and message him; open and frank discussion about how and why on the forum is much more productive before taking it away to memo or perhaps, I dunno, MSN or somewhere..with those other people as intermediaries if you need them, I mean.
I'm quite willing to help, but seriously, much of what your problem is, isn't rocket science in any case, and may simply come down to the plain fact that you're not even with the right person at all. Sometimes hard lessons have to be learned in life to get what we want from it; you may go years through submission to find out that's not what you actually needed after all, or be forever content at the right person's feet.
Read that again, the right person. Because he'll (or she will) know what to do with you there.
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ps. I do apologise for misuse of capitals when refering to myself or him but at the moment I feel unguided and owned
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You're doing nothing wrong by capitalising yourself or referring to him rightly/wrongly in your own estimation - we're all equal members here - how you actually end up using capitalisation, refer to yourself, if you talk in first or third, is personal choice of yours or his.
**I wouldn't necessarily suggest that you're topping from the bottom, I mean seriously, from the outset it doesn't really seem that you're deep enough into that kind of relationship with your partner to do so (yet), and we also have to bear in mind, that s-types 'are' allowed to get anxious, and when they do so, what this shows as symptomatically.
But you do need to talk - a lot, with each other; and 'if' it 'is' each other you do want, and you do actually want this kind of relationship for the both of you, perhaps some kind of kink-aware couples counselling might help.**
I hope my post has been of some use, even if it was a bit lengthy (and fly); feel free to memo, I'm an open book, and glad to help.
Regards,
Sean.
**edits because I posted in wrong place (meh)
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i won't drone on endlessly about my past but i could 
and the point would be, i learned something from each relationship, and i was determined not to settle. Enjoy the journey to find your Permanent Master, we are here for you!
