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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Confused" 1 2 Confused (16) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Fri 27 Aug 10, 2:23 PM shygirl UK, 2 yrs I have always been submissive for as long as I can remember and practiced this. However a year ago I met my current partner and told him straight away that one day I would like to be in a M/s relationship. He was not phased at all as he is naturally dominant and he agreed that he wanted this too. However I have quite a strong mind and I am not sure he has control of me. In fact I am awful sometimes and I hate it. He also tends to only want to get me to do slave duties near bedtime and sex is what is on his mind. I do not want this although I will take what I get at the moment. I want to serve him completely. How do I encourage him to be 24/7? It should not be hard as we live together. Is there anyone out there who could message him on here to give him some direction before we cannot continue. I feel so strongly about this that I worry that we may break up if we do not do something soon. I do not want just a vanilla or part-time M/s relationship. If anyone can help I will be very grateful. Thank you ps. I do apologise for misuse of capitals when refering to myself or him but at the moment I feel unguided and owned 27 Aug 10, 2:59 PM mr_dave UK, 3 yrs Y! While understanding your position, I have to say that what you are trying to do is dictate how your Master behaves, or put it another way topping from the bottom. Rather than asking people to message him and offer unsolicited advice, I suggest you simply talk to him, tell him how you feel and how you would like the relationship to develop, then ask him if he will post here or message other Masters to discuss how to take things forward in a way that will satisfy you both. Communication and honesty are the cornerstones of any relationship. 27 Aug 10, 3:30 PM SeanT70 9 yrs shygirl wrote: Confused I have always been submissive for as long as I can remember and practiced this. OK, fine, you're a sub, but wait... ...I met my current partner and told him straight away that one day I would like to be in a M/s relationship. He was not phased at all as he is naturally dominant and he agreed that he wanted this too. OK, fine, so he's a Dom, but wait... However I have quite a strong mind and I am not sure he has control of me. ...still waiting? Cool. In fact I am awful sometimes and I hate it. He also tends to only want to get me to do slave duties near bedtime and sex is what is on his mind. ...and you can't see where 'his' control of you at 'his' level is, OK...wait...(you're frustrated, just like living in the situation you are, yeah, I know...) I do not want this although I will take what I get at the moment. I want to serve him completely. How do I encourage him to be 24/7? It should not be hard as we live together. So, now, what you're saying, is, you're lying to him, yourself and putting a brave face on because that's the way you think it'll make things better? No, it doesn't work like that. You wanna encourage 24/7? You might not be able to, because like I said, he had control at a level he wants or perhaps this is all 'he' understands it as. So, OK, wait some more...(while you think about how it's not about just living together, you've allowed him to set up a false premise in his mind of what dominance is over you...daft that, so of course it might be harder than it should) Is there anyone out there who could message him on here to give him some direction before we cannot continue. I feel so strongly about this that I worry that we may break up if we do not do something soon. Well, I could, we could, but is that our job? Really? This isn't 'Relate'; this is a board about M/s, D/s and allsorts - if it's a fundamental issue with your relationship that's the problem, then really, seriously, no - sorry! Browse the boards, 'you' encourage him to read them about what you think's needed to make you work, and take it from there, but realise, that after all, you guys may not be suitable to each other's needs - it happens. I do not want just a vanilla or part-time M/s relationship. Perhaps that's part of this issue; he might just see it as 'nilla with some kink (hence the bedroom and prior to bedtime stuff, and why not, if that's what 'he' wants) - the problem being, it really isn't is it..you needing full-time submission and all. Now, to bring all this together..from where you were waiting; So, you're pretty much a life-long sub that has needs (we get that part); what have you done in practice of this? (outta curiosity), and now you have this guy with you, who you believe to be dominant, but are you really sure he's just not used to getting his own male way? Or was it just that he won you over when you first dated (or whatever), and nothing has really changed since then...? See, it's clear from what you've said, that he does have expectations; the simple most outstanding issue here though, is, the expectations of you that he has, aren't the same ones you want him to have and it makes your skin crawl. That's pretty much why you kick up in a reactionary cycle to illicit a response to get him to dominate you. Will he? No, because 'he' gets what 'he' wants at bedtime. Good sub after all - even though the ideals of what a sub should be doing are completely different - in fact, if anything, even though he could be accused of being gentile about his control, he'd be right on this subject, because he 'does' have control, else why would you be complaining he doesn't? (...doesn't control you in a way you like, I mean..) The simple thing is this; he thinks being a sub 'is' what you are now - perhaps he knows no different. Show him. What have you done about submitting to him full-time, instead of having him making you submit? Do you think, then, that if you're seemingly less likely to be dominated by him (in his estimation, not yours), especially given that you've already said about your attitude being awful sometimes and such, that he wouldn't so much as bother trying, and go off and watch football, which of course is 'very' 'nilla, and would drive you nuts! It just seems like neither of you can see the woods for the trees on opposing sides of the forest. Walk into the clearing in the middle, sit, and talk. Don't be getting others to intervene and message him; open and frank discussion about how and why on the forum is much more productive before taking it away to memo or perhaps, I dunno, MSN or somewhere..with those other people as intermediaries if you need them, I mean. I'm quite willing to help, but seriously, much of what your problem is, isn't rocket science in any case, and may simply come down to the plain fact that you're not even with the right person at all. Sometimes hard lessons have to be learned in life to get what we want from it; you may go years through submission to find out that's not what you actually needed after all, or be forever content at the right person's feet. Read that again, the right person. Because he'll (or she will) know what to do with you there. ps. I do apologise for misuse of capitals when refering to myself or him but at the moment I feel unguided and owned You're doing nothing wrong by capitalising yourself or referring to him rightly/wrongly in your own estimation - we're all equal members here - how you actually end up using capitalisation, refer to yourself, if you talk in first or third, is personal choice of yours or his. **I wouldn't necessarily suggest that you're topping from the bottom, I mean seriously, from the outset it doesn't really seem that you're deep enough into that kind of relationship with your partner to do so (yet), and we also have to bear in mind, that s-types 'are' allowed to get anxious, and when they do so, what this shows as symptomatically. But you do need to talk - a lot, with each other; and 'if' it 'is' each other you do want, and you do actually want this kind of relationship for the both of you, perhaps some kind of kink-aware couples counselling might help.** I hope my post has been of some use, even if it was a bit lengthy (and fly); feel free to memo, I'm an open book, and glad to help. Regards, Sean. **edits because I posted in wrong place (meh) Edited 27 Aug 10, 3:36 PM by SeanT70 27 Aug 10, 3:45 PM MeluthTur US(TN), 6 yrs £ Y! mr_dave wrote: While understanding your position, I have to say that what you are trying to do is dictate how your Master behaves, or put it another way topping from the bottom. Rather than asking people to message him and offer unsolicited advice, I suggest you simply talk to him, tell him how you feel and how you would like the relationship to develop, then ask him if he will post here or message other Masters to discuss how to take things forward in a way that will satisfy you both. Communication and honesty are the cornerstones of any relationship. As it is always better to think things through to make things clear before embarking on such endeavors as adding D/s to your relationship, I understand your situation. However anything more than a vanilla time out to discuss the problem and to suggest research on both your parts may constitute topping from the bottom which is highly not recommended. If not anything else, start from scratch and both be open to communicate. then! Take a weekend and hit the local club...........talk to others there and you both should have plenty of help! I agree with Mr Dave Respectfully MeluthTur Edited 27 Aug 10, 3:55 PM by MeluthTur 27 Aug 10, 6:30 PM shygirl UK, 2 yrs That makes sense. I will try. Thank you 27 Aug 10, 6:36 PM shygirl UK, 2 yrs Thank you so much for your lengthy answer. I have an appointment at the gym to go to but I will memo you if that is okay, i wont bother you if I don't need to. Thank you again. sumi 27 Aug 10, 7:51 PM 978-291-889 2 yrs I agree with what Sean has said. Your Dom may be a Dom, but instead of reading from *HIS* page, you are reading a completely different book which tells you how to do things in another way. Only your Dom knows how *HE* wants you to submit - and if thats only in the bedroom, it doesnt make it less D/s... It is *HIS* way afterall. SeanT70 wrote: The simple thing is this; he thinks being a sub 'is' what you are now - perhaps he knows no different. Show him. What have you done about submitting to him full-time, instead of having him making you submit? Do you think, then, that if you're seemingly less likely to be dominated by him (in his estimation, not yours), especially given that you've already said about your attitude being awful sometimes and such, that he wouldn't so much as bother trying, and go off and watch football, which of course is 'very' 'nilla, and would drive you nuts! A good book to read is Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. While it doesnt tell you how to fix a relationship (although it claims it can), it gives practical advise (which will not work for all) on ways to submit without being 'directed'. The theory being, that if you surrender yourself, your Dom/husband/partner will want to give you more in return... both control and what you actually want... If you change your behaviour, put your Dom first, amazing things might happen. None of us on here can tell you how to run your relationship - each dynamic is different. But i can tell you that i went through a stage where i thought Master 'wasnt doing it right' - eventually, we talked a LOT. He reminded me of the conversations we had when we first got together - i realised, He hadnt changed at all (in a good way) i just went off and allowed my thoughts to run riot, saw how others were living their dynamic and somehow got to thinking what we were doing was 'wrong'... kinda. There is no right or wrong way. Our way is perfect for us. You might have needs that are not being met - and these will remain unlet unless you identify what they are and discuss them - Your other may or may not be Dom - but whatever he is or isnt - my guess is, he isnt a mind reader. It may look and feel like topping from the bottom - in some ways it is. But in order to be the best you can, you need to discuss things and make changes to YOURSELF. It may be that the control you seek cant be given by your current partner - and then you will have to ask yourself if you can continue without all your needs being met fully. The cuffs and ropes might have to be removed in the morning... but the bonds of love stretch as far as 2 people can roam. 27 Aug 10, 10:14 PM Malkinius US(IL), 5 yrs Greetings shygirl..... There is another factor that has only been hinted at so far in the responses. Just as there are different types of subs and slaves there are different types of Doms. You may have one who is mostly a bedroom and maybe weekends Dom. I certainly agree that what someone is and does can change, but everyone has their comfort level. His maybe a bit of play in and around the bedroom and sex. When you are dealing with a sub or a slave, that comfort level can be changed by their Dom or Master. When you are dealing with a Dom, a sub trying to change that is topping from the bottom. All s-types do this to some extent. This is normal. You try to get us to do something you want us to do. Sometimes a reminder that something needs to be done is sufficient. Sometimes you want us to change to something else completely different. It happens. Some times it should, some times it shouldn't. I will say that trying to change a d-type who doesn't want to change only leads to unhappiness on both parts. In your case, communication is not a good thing. It is a mandatory thing. He needs to know where you want to go and you need to know where he wants to do. If you both don't want to go where the other wants, it is time to find someone new. If one of you is willing to change, fine. If you both change somewhat toward what each other wants, that is good too. Right now you are in the old choice of deciding which is more important, the man or the Master. If you want the man, you do it his way. If it is the Master, and he doesn't want to or isn't willing to change, it is time for you to change owners. Whatever happens, there must be change because obviously you don't like it where you are. Be well...... Malkinius 27 Aug 10, 10:20 PM 898-443-818 US, 5 yrs It is a continuous challenge to me to remember to submit without being "made" to, or perhaps better to say, to find ways to submit... i know a part of me enjoy's being "made" to, and Master prefers that during sex. And i know that if i *look* for opportunities to serve, i will be *made* to later, which is a reward for me. Just try to serve during everyday normal times and i think you will be surprised at the reaction you get with a little time. i once read a piece, blog, something, where the Master said if He came home from a long day, exhausted, not necessarily wanting to come home & weild power, and the slave took advantage of this, it drove Him deeper into not wanting to bother. When she submitted even when she knew He probably did not have the energy to mind her every move at that moment, it made Him want to rise to the occaision-it reminded Him why Dominance felt good. Even 24/7 folks will have moments when no one is making them do anything, and those are your moments to shine HTH a little bit, 898-443-818 i am a slave-i have no rights, no safewords, i do not say "no" to my Master. i do not have "limits". i have entered into consensual slavery, so that may help explain the views in my post. Edited 27 Aug 10, 10:23 PM by 898-443-818 28 Aug 10, 11:06 AM shygirl UK, 2 yrs Thank you everyone for your wise words. I feel very enlightened, a bit foolish and incredibly niave. I have had a result from speaking to him and although the answer was very unexpected at least I know where I stand. Apparantly he told me he was Dominant so that I would go out with him (he had asked me for quite a few years and I always said no as I was scared to have a relationship because I thought I was abnormal with my submissive tendancies). He says he has been faking being dominant ( not an aggressive lover as he is) but I would never have guessed due to my aforementioned niavety. It also turns out that he finds it a turn off and time consuming and has been trying to find a way of telling me its over. So although abandonment was not the result that I hoped for at least I now know. Thank you all again for your support. Sumi 28 Aug 10, 11:37 AM 978-291-889 2 yrs It is never pleasant when a relationship ends, but you can turn this into a positive... Your needs weren't being met and the relationship was based on a lie. You can walk away knowing that you tried to make it work but it just wasnt meant to be. You can now take time out for yourself, work out what it is you want and need, do some research, reading, more research, more reading... and then boldly step forward settling for nothing less than you deserve and desire. I'm a little bit confused (and imagine others may feel the same) - in your OP you said that you 'have always been submissive for as long as you can remember and practiced this' but then you say 'I always said no as I was scared to have a relationship because I thought I was abnormal with my submissive tendancies' I dont want it to sound like i'm getting at you sumi, but you have to be honest with yourself and others about your level of experience. Its ok to be wet behind the ears - we all started somewhere - i still feel very naive 6 years down the line. We can only advise and guide if we know where you're at. My advice is take time out, get to know yourself, read tonnes (everything you can get your hands on) and from that reading work out where you want to be - then when you're ready, go from there. It will come good for you... and the right D/O/M is out there. The cuffs and ropes might have to be removed in the morning... but the bonds of love stretch as far as 2 people can roam. Next page