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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Dom seeking Help." 1 2 Dom seeking Help. (16) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. 2 Sep 10, 3:40 PM SeanT70 9 yrs Revenant_of_Anubis wrote: SeanT70 wrote: But you give your attention to someone else - your sub, when you should be giving that attention to your wife. Sad to say I do disagree with this for one apparent reason that you haven't began to think of. Try giving attention to your spouse when they are always in a mood to push you away or expect you to appease them in someway without a clue to how. Having read all your comments above, taken them all on board, whether you agreed with some of mine or found them offensive is by-the-by (we can't have everything all the time after all)... So what you're saying, is, no matter how much she's already been through and is clearly suffering, no matter what it might actually take to *repair* some of that damage and get you guys in an even keel, you'd rather simply appease yourself in someone else. When I referred to the possibility of illness, no, I wasn't 'just' thinking of mental instability, but more, perhaps, of 'retained products' in her uterus and hormonal imbalances (after the 7 miscarriages); the side-effects of that alone can be driving her, and you nuts and you wouldn't even know and you'd blame it on something else. Ultimately, you chose to be with that person, you knew what you were faced with, and have the ability to help them fix some of the issues by getting them the help they need. But screw all that, let's get a cold one and do something else. The heat 'does' get hot in the kitchen ya know. ..If ya can't stand it, get out of it; there really is no point in making what seem like empty comments about 'this and that' when really, have you thought about doing anything about how it all affects you, her, all of you? Have you thought, even, about how the stress of the situation might cause her to react badly, of course you have by your post - but that reaction may not be the one you expect or think she might display. Take it easy. Sean. 2 Sep 10, 6:02 PM 898-443-818 US, 5 yrs Perhaps what could be going on is that you feel your wife doesn't treat you very well & is a bit bitchy and this has taken a toll. Most of the examples i read about were specific things that weren't really very nice on her part and have made you angry. Because you are angry inside it is hard to put that aside and feel compassion for her and try to understand what she is going through. If i am correct, than the only way to move forward is to decide for yourself if you stay or go. If you can (perhaps with therapy-and there are kink friendly therapists out there) put the anger aside and start to rebuild from a foundation, and move forward, and most likely WITHOUT the sub friend (vanilla's would call that an "emotional affair" i believe), that that would be fine. Another valid option is to say she has been too hurt by your actions and you too hurt by hers, and to just end it. Personally i think the worst crime here would be indecision, but i always think that way. And i am not implying the wife doesn't have a valid reason to be bitchy, (i too am infertile if that helps me get out of any flames), but since we are dealing with the HUSBAND i am trying to advise from his POV. i do wish you both some peace soon, 898-443-818 i am a slave-i have no rights, no safewords, i do not say "no" to my Master. i do not have "limits". i have entered into consensual slavery, so that may help explain the views in my post. 2 Sep 10, 6:42 PM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs Are you living with your wifes family? That has to suck. Why isn't her mother taking her to task if there are chores to do? Just because she is married now shouldn't matter. She is still living in her mothers house. Plus if the only chore to do takes just 2 minutes, then just do it for now. Let me ask you, why would you want to live with her family if they have abused your wife? I personally really find that hard to comprehend!! Ok, so maybe money is tight. Find someone looking for roommates then. Rent a room. Get away from the family if you want a chance for your marriage to work!! At least that way if you have to find a second job you, yourself, are choosing it and putting the money towards the rent with maybe a bit left over. Sorry, but this situation does not sound like anything to do with WIITWD but rather a combination of marriage, family self esteem problems. there are just way too many people stirring the pot. IMO the two of you need to get away from the outside influences, all the advice from family, get settled together and work things out by yourselves, as a couple. Sorry if this sounds disjointed, I am on a quick break from work and a bit rushed. I had to respond though. Wow, really screwy. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away - unknown 2 Sep 10, 10:19 PM DapperDom 2 yrs I cannot offer advice. But I just want to say I hope that everything works out, for both of you. 2 Sep 10, 11:45 PM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs Wow!! So, to get it straight, your wife was severely abused growing up...she has had 7 miscarriages...you live with her family.... she has Sciatic nerve damage.... And Degenerative Joint disease......... and you wonder WHY she may be bitchy and uncooperative in doing things for you, like massages and stuff after you work hard all day. After all, she doesn't do anything you say. Really? REALLY??? Do you really not comprehend this? Wow, sorry but I don't blame her. If it were me, I would probably be more than a bit bitchy if I had psychological problems from abuse, was not able to carry a child to term, was in severe pain constantly (sciatic nerve problems don't make you laugh) and had an ongoing degenerative problem to look forward to which will also cause pain and multiple problems. On top of that living with the family with no privacy, fighting with the husband all the time and having him feel hard done by because wifey may not appear to do anything!!! It doesn't sound like she should be working,regardless of the legal problems, which btw I personally think is very petty and disrespectful to announce to all and sundry. She should be getting disability, not looking fora job!!! Good luck..... and remember, if she is not interested in this lifestyle, you will not be able to change her. Actually, that should be the least of your worries. IMO, You should be supporting your wife with having all those health issues instead of complaining. My opinion. I am so blessed to have the Master and relationship that I do. All the best to you both. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away - unknown 28 Sep 10, 5:29 PM 250-140-386 US(NV), 20 mths 124-498-094 wrote: This is my first real post. I have a lot of social anxiety and I get very nervous about posting. Okay so we don't have the wife's perspective, but I hope my perspective is of some use. I relate a lot to this wife. Here is why: I was the total bitchy in-your-face girl with other men before I met Master. I also cannot bear children and this pain is the deepest pain I have ever felt. You have no idea unless you go through it and are a woman. It completely shatters the very core of your identity as a woman permanently, not to mention your lifelong hopes and dreams. Huge. Think that effects the bedroom and powerplay a little? duh. I also was raped. Twice. Also, duh, of course that's effecting her willingness to submit. Last time she really submitted she was forced. Listen carefully now: Submission is a gift you earn. Okay? My Master was the first man who treated me with respect. He was the first man who treated me as an intellectual. He was the first man interested in MY fantasies. He's loving, gentle, but very firmly fair. For this, I threw myself at his feet and will do anything he asks because I know in the deepest pit of me, no matter how dark and sinister a place we go together, I will always be safe with Him. He laid the foundation. He was able to help me resolve my issues with rape (through a series of solo sexual exercises and journal entries, but I had therapy too), the children issue begs counseling as well. Think, at this early stage, of your wife not as the submissive/slave you want her to become (because, hello? you have to TRAIN a slave) but as a brand new "pet." when you get a puppy you check for fleas, worms, give them shots. What puppy can bring you a beer from the fridge or your slippers or balance a treat on their nose on day one? You can't just demand that of a puppy and expect them to do it. That would be just pain silly. They have to WANT to do it for the sole purpose of gaining your approval. And trust me, you guys are stuck at day one. Have you even talked about training? You may have to do some things you don't like in order to win her over, like living vanilla for awhile, but consider it all part of your master plan. Your wife is not able to fully or even partially (if she is she's not doing so wholeheartedly) submit to you because of the hard core trauma that has been left undelt with. You have neglected her. You need to care for her. She needs help. Not demands at this point. She's a broken woman and she's just fighting for whatever she can get. Don't even take it personally. She's lashing out at you because (frankly) wives lash out at their husbands when their brains just go on the fritz sometimes. It's lame, but true. A true Dom would take a step back and assess the situation carefully and reflect upon himself and carefully observe his slave. Some very basic needs of hers are not being met. Like counseling. What needs to be done first? If you are the Dom, you are the do-er. So do something. You can't get her to submit in this state. Help her. Seriously. i completely agree/relate to what you have said and could have wrote it myself. my Master and i were married for 8 years before W/we made the jump to M/s. If He had tried to be Master before i was ready (when W/we were first married) i am 90% sure i would have reacted the same way. i would have been pissed that He wanted to control me, especially after all i had been through. Do You (OP) have any idea what it's like to be so completely helpless and held against your will? It has been 10 years since i was held at knife point and ordered to do things to a 'friend' and his friends and i am still dealing with that trauma. i am just saying, maybe you should relax, earn her trust and respect and maybe things will turn around for you both.