KinkPodcasts.com - podcasts about BDSM, Fetish and Kink    [other banners]

	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Dom seeking Help." 1 2 Dom seeking Help. (16) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Sun 22 Aug 10, 1:52 AM Revenant_of_Anubis US(CO), 21 mths Y! <Removed out of my own Choice> Edited Tue 1 Mar 11, 9:56 AM by Revenant_of_Anubis 22 Aug 10, 2:39 AM mackavely US(FL), 22 mths The first problem I see that you have is that you have not been honest with yourself which made it impossible for you to be honest with your wife. I think that you need to first figure out how you want to live your life whether it be in this lifestyle as a dominant or a submissive or as a vanilla with a controlling wife or something else in between. Once you figure out what you want you need to sit down with your wife and find out how she wants to live her life. Loving one another is one thing being able to live together is something altogether different. Two different lifestyles in the same house will always cause, problems. My grandfather used to say don't ever say that you are in a situation that you do not like, because if you are in the situation then you like it. Anyone in a situation that they don't like will do anything it takes to get out of that situation and into one that they do like. I hope this helps Edited 22 Aug 10, 2:42 AM by mackavely 22 Aug 10, 5:56 AM tristessa US(NM), 7 yrs Y! Sending a memo. *~*tristessa*~* 22 Aug 10, 7:03 PM Glinda UK, 2 yrs Revenant_of_Anubis wrote: Dom seeking Help. I have been a dom for years without a sub/slave and ended up finding a wife. My wife who seems to refuse the ideals of Dom/Sub relationships seems to express such moments only when just the two of us and when she is in the mood. If I become overly forceful she gets flashbacks of her step father who raped and abused her. So in many ways I am actively seeking outside help in both the Dom and Sub to find a way to either get her to listen or realize the problems she is causing between us. One of my closest friends into the lifestyle has actually even suggested I could move out from my own home fly to her and stay there if things continue to worsen. So any Advice is helpful and if you need more details, feel free to ask or send me a memo. After reading your post several times it seems to me that the main problem you have is that you want your wife to be submissive to you all the time and she only wants to 'play' when it suits her. Going off what you've written I think that maybe your wife is not really submissive and this is what is causing a lot of friction between you. If it is not in your wife's nature to be submissive then I don't really think there is anything you can do to change this. It would be like trying to get you to stop feeling/being a dominant. Would you be willing to alter how you feel/act to fit in with how your wife may like you to be. It's obvious that the abuse your wife suffered is still affecting her greatly and perhaps she needs counselling for this before she can move forward. Maybe what you and your wife need to do is to sit down and have a frank discussion about how you both feel and how you both would like your relationship to be, what you both expect and hope to get out of the relationship etc. If you can't get past this then perhaps you are not compatible. If you really love your wife and want to make a serious attempt at making a committment to her and your marriage I think it would be wise to think very carefully before leaving her and moving in with one of your friends (even though, as things stand at the moment, this sounds like an easy option). 22 Aug 10, 8:46 PM SirRocket US(MO), 22 mths From my personal exp. If your marriage didn't start as a D/s relationship/marriage. Odds are it will never change to it. So now leads to you need to decide how bad you want this D/s lifestyle based marriage. Is it worth you giving up a woman you must love for it. you forcing this on to her is causing the more problems. I believe this a lifestyle you can not force someone into. The other person has to be into it also. We're you open with her when you were dating? Did you suddenly spring this on her? On leaving her, If you leave her most likely she will done with the marriage also. She isn't going to suddenly bow and beg you back. 23 Aug 10, 8:11 PM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs The way I am reading it, it sounds to me like you have two different issues. Your marriage and your desire to be a full time Dom. I personally think you should look at each one seperately in order to get some clarity in your mind and come up with ways to deal with the chaos that appears to be part of your day to day life. You say you were fully open with your wife that you were a dominant in life and she accepted this. Really? In what way? When you were first dating, did you communicate this to her, have open honest communication continually? Did you start out your life together from the beginning, in a D/s dynamic? I ask this because from what you are saying, if this is how your relationship developed, I have a hard time believing that she suddenly did a 180. Is it possible she heard that you were dominant and not a dominant? Was the lifestyle explained to her in laymans terms with expecations, needs, wants and how the relationship would develop discussed? How were you aware that this was fully understood? Relationships takes two and it is very hard to give advice knowing only one side of the story. It takes hard work on Both sides to make any relationship work. From what you have written, my perception is you are putting all the faults and problems on her. This is where you seperate the boys from the men and at times the vanilla from the Dominants. Your wife is jealous and upset because you have an online sub yet you brush her feelings off. So what if you knew this sub before your wife, you married your wife, not your sub! You say she doesn't respect you. Why should she if you don't respect her? You both fight all the time. Guess what? It also takes two to fight and argue. Tone of voice and how requests are asked can make a huge difference in getting something done or in having a bit of harmony at home. Her needs, wants and feelings are just as important and valid as yours. Are you a dominant or being dominating? What ideas have you come up with or what have you personally done to rectify the hostility that has come into your marriage? These are things only you can do. You have to also step up to the plate and take responsibility for your half. Why can't you come up with another way to get to work if your wife can't be on time? Have you considered counselling? Do you want your marriage to work? If so, you need to open up proper communication with your wife, calmly, with no finger pointing. You both could sit down together and really listen to each other. Take in what's said and come up with a way to get past this. Why is your family involved? Is it their marriage or yours? The same with your sub posting her perspective. Your marriage should not involve her. Whining about how horrible your wife is doesn't help. You are both adults. Find a constructive solution. As far as your desire to be a day to day dominant, you need to be able to contol your own life before you can effectively control another. You have to decide what's more important to you. Your wife obviously does not accept this in regards to her life. Not at the moment anyways. She may be into being somewhat submissive in the bedroom but not in her day to day life. IMO, I don't think she ever was and that is also where communication is so important. Once you work out the big problems, the other things will or can fall into place. You have to decide what and where your priorities lie. I may sound harsh, I do not mean to come across as rude or mean but to sugarcoat things doesn't resolve them. You may not like some of what I wrote in my reply but you cannot confuse the life you have in reality with the life you think you may have or may want. I wish you both the best and hope you work things out one way or the other to give you both some peace and contentment. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away - unknown Edited 24 Aug 10, 12:24 AM by 333-528-841 24 Aug 10, 5:13 PM SeanT70 9 yrs Glinda wrote: Revenant_of_Anubis wrote: Dom seeking Help. I have been a dom for years without a sub/slave and ended up finding a wife. My wife who seems to refuse the ideals of Dom/Sub relationships seems to express such moments only when just the two of us and when she is in the mood. If I become overly forceful she gets flashbacks of her step father who raped and abused her. So in many ways I am actively seeking outside help in both the Dom and Sub to find a way to either get her to listen or realize the problems she is causing between us. One of my closest friends into the lifestyle has actually even suggested I could move out from my own home fly to her and stay there if things continue to worsen. So any Advice is helpful and if you need more details, feel free to ask or send me a memo. After reading your post several times it seems to me that the main problem you have is that you want your wife to be submissive to you all the time and she only wants to 'play' when it suits her. Going off what you've written I think that maybe your wife is not really submissive and this is what is causing a lot of friction between you. If it is not in your wife's nature to be submissive then I don't really think there is anything you can do to change this. It would be like trying to get you to stop feeling/being a dominant. Would you be willing to alter how you feel/act to fit in with how your wife may like you to be. There isn't, up to a point anything wrong with bedroom play, but it can give all sorts of wrong or false messages; living D/s (or M/s) then, gives a clearer message about who's role is what and why. If someone isn't 'naturally' submissive that person can be changed over time to become so, with the right methods (and no it doesn't involve anything sinister). The odd thing about your post Glinda, is that you're making the suggestion that the OP might be willing to change, when clearly (in the instance of 'how' the OP in itself) there is room for change in his wife's demeanour. What hasn't been been addressed though, is illness, any other compatibility issues (to which some people don't subscribe, others do), and in fact the thing of concealment in the OP and subsequent to make the problem subjective. What I mean is, outside of what he bigs himself up on, the rows, the working, his housework, does he actually treat her like shit in the process, thus goading the problem to it's fruition. I'm not disagreeing with you necessarily, I just think it very much needs clarifying, but even then, it's a subjective matter; either way, certainly, they can both get off their lazy arses and do something to change a situation subject to 'ridicule' (OP quoted from second post) It's obvious that the abuse your wife suffered is still affecting her greatly and perhaps she needs counselling for this before she can move forward. This is true, and there is no mention of if this has been addressed when or why not. I believe it's fundamentally important to her, rather than to this problem at all. --------------------------------------------------- OK, so, R_o_A, time to look at this now; A lot of people don't like posts like this but I'll do it anyway, I'm gonna pick you're whole post apart and address the whole lot individually. Revenant_of_Anubis wrote: I still have a submissive online only, but my wife being the overly jealous type, thinks I could be cheating or having an affair even online whereas I would not leave her but she doesn't get it. This submissive is so dear to me and I knew her long before my wife. Some people will agree, others not, your wife feels cheated on with your sub, and if you want her to have grounds for divorce mate, she has them! If you want your marriage to have any chance of working then you simply must ditch your sub. You cannot lie and hide her. And you're certainly not in a healthy enough relationship for Poly of any kind. So which is it, wife, sub, alone. choose. To answer the question of kids, no we have had no kids.... just Seven miscarriages.... only kids we have is a Jet black Pug which is our baby. So while she's there, the counsellor can deal with the terrible anguish that woman must be going through with not being able to successfully bear a child. Is the dog a thin disguise for not being able to have a kid? Whose idea was that? Yours? So honestly I have only some online contacts for just some training or some sort of temp position to at least still ahve that slight foot in the lifestyle as everyday I work tirelessly and only want to sit down and have a relaxing moment. So, we're talking sub/slave position here right? Maaaaan, get rid of it! Get a cleaner, yeah so you have no housework and she has some nice fluffy pillows to put her head on, by all means, but sub/slave? Forget it. Yeah, you work a lot. Fine. People do. My wife doesn't even respect me enough to pick me up on time from work or even give a back massage or something small when I know I really need it after a very hard day. Most of the time if there are chores to do in the house I am getting left with them and thus that also causes fights. So Yes there is a huge series of things. My advice to this is..respect begets respect; you want her to do all these things? Well, stop bitching about her - to her about all that she doesn't do, and be nice buddy...and you might find she changes, just for you. It might not happen over night, but right now, she's leaving you to stew in your own juice. It can get harder - or easier - which would you like it to be? I was fully open to her and told her I was a dominant in life and she accepted that. Also As someone once said maybe I didn'tt know what I wanted... Well try this as an example.. if it was somethign simple liek what fast food to eat.. and you really do not care your just hungry then that is what I told her... and she would argue that I pick someplace. If this place does nto agree with her then she gets all whiney and upset till she gets what she wants. Yeah OK, so you're telling me, us, that you'd eat food you don't like or hate or are allergic to, or go to a place you really don't like when someone else can't make their own mind up? Sorry buddy, you're the one at fault here, not her. If you had any brain in this particular subject, you'd know where she can't abide, and where she's comfortable with, and elect to go somewhere suitable. Then, and only 'when' she disagrees can it be a problem. I have had to step down ahrd on alot of this crap but even her own family says she was like this to them and treated them horribly and was manipulative to the core even provoking for things not even needing to argue about. I've said this once above and I will say it again, there was no mention of illness in your posts, or if she'd been tested for anything of the kind. The thing of compatibility wears thin here. I don't think the abuse has gone away but I know there has been a few times we get into a heated arguement and if it gets bad enough instead of trying to settle it and give each other peace, she gets back into my face after I walked away to cool down and berates me and is very aggressive. From what I have noticed if the problem is not resolved immediately then it makes her even more angry and aggressive to the point throwing objects and worse do happen. So instead of being civil and calming down and returning to think clearly she will not even give you a moment to think before yelling some more and has even threatened divorce and much more during these arguements. Many many times I have come close to telling her "Get the dam papers then." When someone is deeply psychologically scarred or traumatised by events in their lives, and they haven't been addressed and dealt with - filed to a safe place, that person will cry for help at some point, and may continue to do so; this appears to be what your wife is doing. You've been told this before... get her counselling. What you guys are actually going through in the heat of the moment is only on face value, some of, if not the main part of the reason for it, is because she is asking for your help and you can't even see that. Getting 'the damn papers' will really help her. Not. The rest of the issue then is because you're trying to force a dominance that doesn't exist on her at completely the wrong time. Fill a bucket that has a hole in it with water; you'll get wet feet. See? It's as if Two Doms were fighting for control of the unified life but when one is willing to allow the other room to control they gripe that the one allowing is not doing thier job and when they do control it's not enough or nothing at all. Ya know, writing this part from personal experience, I'm not so sure there 'are' two Doms at all; sometimes, there is an exception to the rule - so for you, this would be you're dominant but can't dominate her. Ouch, you're submissive to her. Nothing wrong with that. She's calling the shots anyway it seems, or at least she's very much dug her heels in out of stubborn-ness; you certainly don't have any control over the situation, and she's done a good job of topping you out if that's the case too. Personal question; how often are you having sex, and who instigates it? I especially ask that since the miscarriages. Things like this need looking at in discussion of how pent up 'male' emotions are too. Feel free to discuss that privately should you wish to; I have no such qualms though. As I stated before due to outside circumstances, I have to be dropped off to work at my 1st job and picked up from it and on both ends she either refuses to take me there even if late unless I style my hair or such when being late could get me fired. And on the other end when I am to leave work, sometiems I have to sit and wait over 1 hour for her to show up when the house is not even 15 minutes driving time away. Soo..ya won't tidy yourself up and make a good impression for your wife. Hmmm. And you expect her to do something for you? Hmmm. Tip, comb your hair earlier, then you won't get fired because you won't be late. Didn't anyone tell ya at trainee-husband school that happy wives are a must? A mad one is a fuckin' banshee, lemme tell ya! And on the lateness thing for picking you up, seriously, mate, she's a woman, right, woman's perogative to be late - ever heard that? That's before traffic or respect coming into play. If your first job is that short-a-distance away, is there no other way of getting home? Use that resourceful walnut in your head; get the bus, cars are lazy and use more eco-resources anyway. This is why I also get ridiculed at my job. So, you expect your wife to respect you, when you seemingly have none for her; this small statement suggests you have more respect for you work colleagues than her. Or your marriage. That in turn suggests your, and then her priorities are pretty screwed. Now for the second job she can't exactly argue as she doesn't have to pickup or drop off at all. That is cause it is the family business of her mothers and all. Count yourself as lucky that you 'have' two jobs to go too rather than none at all; where would you be then? But also an example of this is her lack in doing any chores around the house, I am left alot of the time with doing them even when I could have done them the day before and she doesn't see it she says oh I don't think you did it.. so it's your turn and crap like that. Leaving it alot of the times for me. But you give your attention to someone else - your sub, when you should be giving that attention to your wife. Some people are naturally more messy than others (Phay is more so than I am, we both know that - it doesn't stop me loving the living pants off her ); if you were really that much in control, it would be simply a case of 'clean the kitchen and wash the floor when I'm at work' - but you seem to argue the toss all the time about who does what (or has done what), and when (I can do the chores better, quicker, more efficiently than Phay, and I happen to like housework whereas she hates it, but fact is, I say clean and she *does*, and very well - I'm not about to snag her for the things she does miss out) This is things that even my family has said I need to put my foot down even if it means being mean about it. Again any advice is accepted at this point. Hopefully I can get my Sub to also post hre for some outside point of view enlightenment to this too. I bet you don't have the conversation with your family about her in front of her family while she's talking about you with her family in front of yours. No. Of course not. That would be classicly bad. You'd all be sweetness and light like nothing was happening at all. Then when you all leave you'd curse the bitches, right? Like you've 'hopefully' offered, it'd be interesting to get your sub involved in the discussion, because right now, I find it to be very subjective and not particularly fair. That said, I wish ya both well in resolving your problems, because I don't think they're that hard to fix - they're not rocket science after all. I've seen most of them and been through some many times. I'm only too willing to help if ya wanna memo instead. Regards, Sean. 24 Aug 10, 5:52 PM Glinda UK, 2 yrs Actually Sean, I don't think you've quite understood what I was trying to say to the OP. When I asked the OP if he would be willing to change the way he feels to fit in with how his wife may like him to be, I meant it could be as difficult for him to alter his dominant feelings as it may be for his wife to develop submissive behaviour traits. I was not advocating he should change the way he feels but that maybe he should try to see things from his wife's point of view. 24 Aug 10, 7:18 PM SeanT70 9 yrs Glinda wrote: Actually Sean, I don't think you've quite understood what I was trying to say to the OP. When I asked the OP if he would be willing to change the way he feels to fit in with how his wife may like him to be, I meant it could be as difficult for him to alter his dominant feelings as it may be for his wife to develop submissive behaviour traits. I was not advocating he should change the way he feels but that maybe he should try to see things from his wife's point of view. Yes I did understand, and this is in fact the point at the heart of the problem - if he 'was' dominant, and it was the right time to 'domin-ate', there would be no room for him having to change his feelings or him needing to; she would be in her place and serving him regardless. The simple issue; it really is time for vanilla. Love. Compassion. What happened to that in this piece? There are things that Phay doesn't like doing in her service to me; does she do them? Yes. She would argue like merry hell that she's not submissive - and really quite honestly lose that fight. There is no fight. Of course we have tiffs over some minor stuff, who doesn't... I think what might be happening in R_o_A's case in a thing of dominEERing than dominating; I don't know of a woman that wouldn't tell a man where to go in that case. The one single thing that shows dominant feelings..is 'putting my foot down' (shout at, rawr!), does that actually means the OP is kickin' and screamin' like a freakin' 2 year old cos he's not gettin' his sweets before dinner? Paints a different scenario don't ya think? Get rid of him arguing out of the problem and you have him, the already moulded sub, he has no need to change his feelings; the thing missed is it's all pent up angst towards each other. That can be overcame, and it's not about him losing dominance he never had over her, or her gaining dominance she already had anyway and not having to be put in a place she doesn't want to be in, in submission. Simple acceptance of something that is so blatantly obvious might help along the way. If, though, your assertion is correct (and btw, didn't you see the part that said I didn't necessarily disagree with you?), and he is dominant and just that typical male that thinks he 'commands' respect from his woman - something he just won't get like this, and you're right in that he needs to see things from his wife's point of view, then perhaps eating his own product will change his point of view and fast. 'Real' men don't touch the stuff, after all, apparently, and if they can bring themselves to, somehow it shuts 'em up and changes their behaviour after. Odd that. Have fun. Sean. 27 Aug 10, 1:02 AM 124-498-094 US, 21 mths This is my first real post. I have a lot of social anxiety and I get very nervous about posting. Okay so we don't have the wife's perspective, but I hope my perspective is of some use. I relate a lot to this wife. Here is why: I was the total bitchy in-your-face girl with other men before I met Master. I also cannot bear children and this pain is the deepest pain I have ever felt. You have no idea unless you go through it and are a woman. It completely shatters the very core of your identity as a woman permanently, not to mention your lifelong hopes and dreams. Huge. Think that effects the bedroom and powerplay a little? duh. I also was raped. Twice. Also, duh, of course that's effecting her willingness to submit. Last time she really submitted she was forced. Listen carefully now: Submission is a gift you earn. Okay? My Master was the first man who treated me with respect. He was the first man who treated me as an intellectual. He was the first man interested in MY fantasies. He's loving, gentle, but very firmly fair. For this, I threw myself at his feet and will do anything he asks because I know in the deepest pit of me, no matter how dark and sinister a place we go together, I will always be safe with Him. He laid the foundation. He was able to help me resolve my issues with rape (through a series of solo sexual exercises and journal entries, but I had therapy too), the children issue begs counseling as well. Think, at this early stage, of your wife not as the submissive/slave you want her to become (because, hello? you have to TRAIN a slave) but as a brand new "pet." when you get a puppy you check for fleas, worms, give them shots. What puppy can bring you a beer from the fridge or your slippers or balance a treat on their nose on day one? You can't just demand that of a puppy and expect them to do it. That would be just pain silly. They have to WANT to do it for the sole purpose of gaining your approval. And trust me, you guys are stuck at day one. Have you even talked about training? You may have to do some things you don't like in order to win her over, like living vanilla for awhile, but consider it all part of your master plan. Your wife is not able to fully or even partially (if she is she's not doing so wholeheartedly) submit to you because of the hard core trauma that has been left undelt with. You have neglected her. You need to care for her. She needs help. Not demands at this point. She's a broken woman and she's just fighting for whatever she can get. Don't even take it personally. She's lashing out at you because (frankly) wives lash out at their husbands when their brains just go on the fritz sometimes. It's lame, but true. A true Dom would take a step back and assess the situation carefully and reflect upon himself and carefully observe his slave. Some very basic needs of hers are not being met. Like counseling. What needs to be done first? If you are the Dom, you are the do-er. So do something. You can't get her to submit in this state. Help her. Seriously. 2 Sep 10, 8:56 AM 124-498-094 US, 21 mths I feel like you're stuck on 'small potatoes' when there is one 'big potato' here. Everything you say about your wife makes me think, "This woman is unstable." Just because she hasn't been diagnosed with something in the DSM-IV like OCD or bipolar doesn't mean she doesn't need treatment. Abuse? Flashbacks? (gosh, I remember those) SEVEN miscarriages?!?! Get her to talk to someone other than you. (Not that you're not a perfectly fine individual, but she's not exactly receptive to you right now and you aren't a trained professional.) At least get her some counseling. With what she's been through, and having flashbacks during sex currently, I don't know of any therapist/counselor that was accepting new patients who wouldn't take her on. You can't spank and flog and demand memories of childhood abuse out of someone. I didn't think you consciously thought that, but everything you say and do is confusing. Of course you're not having sex, she has flashbacks when you do and there's all this pressure to be submissive when she just can't get into 'subspace' right now and she probably feels threatened by this online submissive who satisfies your needs better than she can... I'll say it again: she needs help before you can train her. Nothing else matters until she is psychologically stable enough to handle anything under the umbrella of BDSM. I know she seems incorrigible but she also sounds like a woman screaming for help. Okay. I'll stop pushing that point now. Next page