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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "A new subbie's fear." 1 2 A new subbie's fear. (14) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Thu 29 Jul 10, 2:20 AM 562-400-727 SE, 22 mths I am very new at all of this, although I have been hanging out with both dominants and submissives since I was 16 (although some Dominants ganged up to keep me 'clean and untouched' until I turned 18, and shooed everyone else away) I am female, and turned 20 now in july, and I haven't had a Dominant yet, nor have a Dominant 'had me'. My view on what I desire is full of small wishes, simple things, hardly worth being called kinky according to the more experianced subbies I guess...I would simply love being naked on the floor or in a doggybed, in a pet status or simular, with someone calm, almost daddy figure, with whom I would feel more brave to try things out with after that point. When I saw this other thred on this site, about subbies that gets out of line every now and then, a small fear and reminder in me made itself known in me; I am not 100% submissive, although at moments, I wish I were. I'm not sure if it is the fear of submitting fully for the first time that 'holds me back' or if it is simply the way I am, and not knowing that is confusing me even more. The fear I have is that I will find a really good dominant that I feel secure with, but that he will only look down on me for not being able to give it all, so to say, and simply not choose me, thinking something negetive and go looking for someone better. Is this a common fear in new subbies? Have you had it? How is it solved? I had a dream recently that reminded me of my will to be a pet...I dreamt that I was naked, curled up or kneeling on the ground in a small room, and some well dressed people were standing around me, looking me over. I knew they were "free people" and I was not. One of the males bent down and touched a number tag on my left ear, that said 825, and then the one on my right one that said 850, he had this...like..unhappy face when he bent up, and I was thinking something in the lines of 'please pick me, please don't be disapointed, I know I'm small and not really good at anything, but please pick me' something like that, I didn't say it though. When I woke up I thought about that dream a lot, and a few days after that I registered here, my curiosity awoken again after about a year of not thinking about it. So is the fear common? Any tips or generall advices? There is much I know about BDSM, and even more I don't know, but I haven't been 'in the loop' for a years time, and the interest returning so suddenly left me a little wobbly. 29 Jul 10, 2:53 AM random_delirium US(WI), 7 yrs Y! The fear of finding a 'really good Dominant... etc' boils down to: Comparing yourself to others is constantly seen flying around on these boards - it always is answered as - what works for one dynamic may not work for another. Perhaps you are not like those who wish to be no more than 'meat.' Does that make you any less of a submissive? No. It makes you... you. You know what you want. Refuse to settle for less. You will feel all the cheapened for it - and i speak out of knowledge. Due to mental issues, i would go for anything that showed the slightest interest in me, give everything that was wanted and more, out of desperation that it would never happen again. Finally, i stepped back, and worked on my self - and even while still in the depths of 'not looking,' i was found by a potential Master with Whom i believe all is possible. Working towards making this a reality, after almost two years of getting to know one A/another. Neither of U/us is settling, and He even encourages me to keep my fiery heart. In check at times, of course, but otherwise - He does not want a doormat. And that is definitely the last thing i am anymore. Figuring that is what you mean by fearing you are 'not as submissive as others.' It was a long journey, but well worth the wait. You may have to sift through the dredges for a lot longer than you think, but the payoff will be exquisite. TL:DR Version: There is nothing wrong with you simply because you don't live up to someone else's definition of who and what you are. Learn yourself, and you will know what you seek. The searching may take a lot longer than you will enjoy, but patience will pay off with something wonderful. -kat 29 Jul 10, 4:49 AM GerardVanDam NL, 4 yrs random_delirium wrote: ...It makes you... you... ...You know what you want. Refuse to settle for less... Are you afraid that you, as a pet, are not a "giver", but a "taker", and so not really a slave? Don't worry. I saw you are young, so maybe it will take time for you to get to know yourself. English is not my first language. For many here it is difficult to express their feelings. If I make mistakes, please tell me. 29 Jul 10, 9:00 AM 562-400-727 SE, 22 mths GerardVanDam wrote: Are you afraid that you, as a pet, are not a "giver", but a "taker", and so not really a slave? I'm not sure, but the word slave sounds so big to me. A slave has to know things or know how to please in SOME way and have the undivided will to serve, in order to deserve that title. I don't have the all through will to serve, I'm at times like a wild cat. Cuddly, but with a great deal of fangs and claws in the equasion. The word slave is not something I would call myself like any other thing, I simply feel to young to deserve such a title. In some ways I do feel greedy. I want attention, and cuddling (I am so weak to neck massage), and being treated like a pet, but if someone asks what I would give in return I am not sure at all, and I guess that is the part that makes me uneasy. If I'm not responseble for giving anything, them most times I don't, and that makes me feel uneasy because although I like it, I know it's greedy. But when someone demands me to do something, I feel rebelic if not unsure, and once again feel uneasy. At times I feel like I want to be of lower rank then someone and as submissive as I can, but at the same time I don't know if I could, would, or want to serve, and I guess it's that "lack" that I fear a Dominant would be unpleased about, and possibly, that even if I see that he/she is unpleased, would not be able to change it. That is my greatest fear I would say. 29 Jul 10, 2:25 PM Jane_Doe 2 yrs There are Dominants out there whom prefer to live the lifestyle partially, where Master/ slave relationships are full - time. It sounds as though being in a Dominant/ submissive relationship might suit you better for the time being, as there is more leeway into you expressing things such as, that you don't want to do something or that you aren't in the mood. This girl writes this, as you express fear/ concern that you aren't 'submissive' enough and M/s is more black and white than D/s. Maybe you could take things slowly and start out looking for someone who simply matches your criterea. As Random Delirium stated, you shouldn't have to settle with anything which you aren't comfortable with. Just stay positive in what you desire and you will find what it is you are looking for. v This girl has never felt such bliss, when her hands are bound above her head with her Master's eyes laid upon her 29 Jul 10, 3:53 PM curious_bina US(TN), 2 yrs 562-400-727 wrote: A new subbie's fear. I am very new at all of this, although I have been hanging out with both dominants and submissives since I was 16 (although some Dominants ganged up to keep me 'clean and untouched' until I turned 18, and shooed everyone else away) I am female, and turned 20 now in july, and I haven't had a Dominant yet, nor have a Dominant 'had me'. Aw, that sounds great! That you're (assumedly) waiting for "the one" before you give yourself to someone physically. This slave did that. She thinks it really was worth the wait. =) It makes it special once it happens. It means so much more. 562-400-727 wrote: My view on what I desire is full of small wishes, simple things, hardly worth being called kinky according to the more experianced subbies I guess...I would simply love being naked on the floor or in a doggybed, in a pet status or simular, with someone calm, almost daddy figure, with whom I would feel more brave to try things out with after that point. It seems like you might be more into the >control< aspect of D/s instead of the "kink." This slave is the same way. She likes the tender, caring relationship. She's not at all into the hardcore "play" or the humiliation, or cussing out. She just likes having the control in every aspect of her relationship with her Master. Maybe you should make this clear when you search for your D/O/M. 562-400-727 wrote: When I saw this other thred on this site, about subbies that gets out of line every now and then, a small fear and reminder in me made itself known in me; I am not 100% submissive, although at moments, I wish I were. I'm not sure if it is the fear of submitting fully for the first time that 'holds me back' or if it is simply the way I am, and not knowing that is confusing me even more. The fear I have is that I will find a really good dominant that I feel secure with, but that he will only look down on me for not being able to give it all, so to say, and simply not choose me, thinking something negetive and go looking for someone better. Is this a common fear in new subbies? Have you had it? How is it solved? This slave thinks that's the difference in a slave and submissive. A slave is controlled, and a submissive >chooses< to be submissive. A slave has to do everything a Master says, a submissive doesn't. They retain [some] limits, choices, etc. While she's not a submissive and can't give that point of view, she doesn't think that you as a submissive have to be 100%. It takes time, trust, etc. It doesn't just happen, and it's not a prerequisite. It actually wouldn't be the brightest thing to just hand yourself over to any D/O/M with your all. This slave used to fear she would never reach that submission, or subspace. She's very strong-willed, stubborn, hard to handle. It just takes finding the one you mesh with, the one who can handle it and really shape you. She eventually got over that fear. 562-400-727 wrote: I had a dream recently that reminded me of my will to be a pet...I dreamt that I was naked, curled up or kneeling on the ground in a small room, and some well dressed people were standing around me, looking me over. I knew they were "free people" and I was not. One of the males bent down and touched a number tag on my left ear, that said 825, and then the one on my right one that said 850, he had this...like..unhappy face when he bent up, and I was thinking something in the lines of 'please pick me, please don't be disapointed, I know I'm small and not really good at anything, but please pick me' something like that, I didn't say it though. When I woke up I thought about that dream a lot, and a few days after that I registered here, my curiosity awoken again after about a year of not thinking about it. So is the fear common? Any tips or generall advices? There is much I know about BDSM, and even more I don't know, but I haven't been 'in the loop' for a years time, and the interest returning so suddenly left me a little wobbly. This slave thinks at first it is a somewhat common fear. For her, when she was still new, she continued to think she was too strong, that no one could handle her, that any guy she got with would eventually get tired of her negative outlook. Or that she would never be picked up at all (like your fear in your dream). Her solution was just finding the one. Knowing that her Master can handle her, that he can control her, that he will never give up on her. It can happen. She hopes you are well, -bina Always the curious one ~ His bina 29 Jul 10, 4:04 PM curious_bina US(TN), 2 yrs GerardVanDam wrote: random_delirium wrote: ...It makes you... you... ...You know what you want. Refuse to settle for less... Are you afraid that you, as a pet, are not a "giver", but a "taker", and so not really a slave? Don't worry. I saw you are young, so maybe it will take time for you to get to know yourself. This slave feels your post was extremely judgmental. The OP said she wanted to be a submissive, not a slave. And being ageist? Really, it's immature. And most who are slaves do at least enter the relationship having ideals of what they want, wouldn't that sort of make them "takers"? At least at first. And generally, in any relationship, every one has things they want. It doesn't matter if it's hardcore M/s and only the Master matters. The slave still has to -want- to have that relationship; that Master. Everyone has wants and needs. Whether slave or submissive. 562-400-727 wrote: I'm not sure, but the word slave sounds so big to me. A slave has to know things or know how to please in SOME way and have the undivided will to serve, in order to deserve that title. I don't have the all through will to serve, I'm at times like a wild cat. Cuddly, but with a great deal of fangs and claws in the equasion. The word slave is not something I would call myself like any other thing, I simply feel to young to deserve such a title. In some ways I do feel greedy. I want attention, and cuddling (I am so weak to neck massage), and being treated like a pet, but if someone asks what I would give in return I am not sure at all, and I guess that is the part that makes me uneasy. If I'm not responseble for giving anything, them most times I don't, and that makes me feel uneasy because although I like it, I know it's greedy. But when someone demands me to do something, I feel rebelic if not unsure, and once again feel uneasy. At times I feel like I want to be of lower rank then someone and as submissive as I can, but at the same time I don't know if I could, would, or want to serve, and I guess it's that "lack" that I fear a Dominant would be unpleased about, and possibly, that even if I see that he/she is unpleased, would not be able to change it. That is my greatest fear I would say. A slave is a big thing. And it is a big job. It doesn't happen over night. But not all slaves start out knowing exactly how to please, or even basics (this slave was a complete noob with her Master, and everyone starts out new anyways). Being a slave also has nothing to do with age. It's training that takes a lot of time, effort, and dedication. This slave just gets so upset hearing these ageist comments . . . but then she guesses she is a rarity. This slave thinks you sound like a pet. And pets (to her knowledge as she isn't a pet and doesn't have the experience) get taken care of. Pets (real pets like real cats/dogs) aren't able to take care of themselves. So, wouldn't that be like a human pet too? Hopefully a real pet will come on here and give you that side of advice. Once again, it just takes time and getting used to. If you really want it, you can come to do it. It also takes being with the right partner. If you're with the right partner, they can help you conquer the fears, and obstacles. This slave thinks you need to stop thinking about it. Stop taking it so hard on yourself. Just relax. Let the submission just happen. -Bina Always the curious one ~ His bina 29 Jul 10, 4:13 PM TheConstantGardener US(MD), 2 yrs Alright I want to paint a picture for you. This might end up being helpful or end up being a waste of time where I don't make any sense but I'm hoping for the former. I see pursuing a Dom or sub lifestyle as a journey. We all take the journey for different reasons and take different routes but its a journey none the less. So for the sake of painting the picture I'll start out replacing 'the journey' with 'the road trip'. So you're going on a road trip and your destination is Happy Domsub Relationshipville (Or DS'ville for short). And the beginning of any road trip is your vehicle. To put it simply, you are your own vehicle. More so not YOU physically but your sense of identity is the means in which you travel from one 'state' of mind/being to another. And a large part of our identity (especially in D/s relationships) comes from the titles we accept from others as well as the ones we choose to bestow. So the next part of the picture is choosing the titles/vehicle you wish you use to travel along the road to DS'ville. You have the sporty Master/Slut model, the casual Sir/Pet Sedan, the tried and true Master/Slave, and the Daddy/Kitten Coupe to just name a few of a long long list of options. So, you've chosen the Master/Slave option. Its a good solid vehicle that requires a bit maintainance but is quite reliable. You have your destination and you have your vehicle. Now the next step of the 'road trip' is the packing. I mean you can't expect to go on a trip a long the road of self discovery and devotion and not bring any luggage! Now that's just silly. So what do you pack in the car first. Your wants and desires. The reasons you want to be a sub or a dom. Whether it is to learn more about yourself or simply a means express your truest self to another person. That's what you pack first. Good... great... check. And then you pack all your preconceived ideas and notions on what the road trip is going to be like. You don't know what you'll bump into on the road and you want to be ready. So you start going over in your head and talking to other people. Some of it is nice like "Oh there is really cute bed and breakfast on the way... you should pack something extra and stay there a night or three." Some of it can be troublesome like "Oh my cousin went on that road trip and there are a lot of crooked cops out there just waiting to give you a ticket to just to meet their quota" Either way you start packing in preparation. And after packing all your hopes and desires. Your preconceived notions and opinions are starting to pile up. And you STILL have to pack your ideals and values plus a whole plethora of other psychological luggage. And THIS is where the 'fear' sets in. You're packing up and getting ready for the trip and the more you pack the less room there is for you. In the end you have your vehicle aka your title burdened down with so much unnecessary weight even if you do take the road trip its not going to be a pleasant one. You'll be in the car driving down the road and be all "I just can't get comfortable in here... its too cramped. I have all these expectations that keep jabbing me in the back. And when I move them to lay down the backseat is so full of preconceived standards that I'm trying to live up to and they're so lumpy and make my back cramp up." All nonsense aside. I think you are putting the cart before the horse on this one. Its not the word/title that gives meaning to the relationship but rather the relationship that gives meaning to the word/title. Honestly I think that is a mistake a lot of eager subs AND Dom's make. They get so wrapped up in looking for a Master or looking for a slave that they stop looking for a person. I know slave seems like a BIG word. But its just a word. It might help to thing of it as something smaller. I personally think of it as a slave being the seed and the Master being the soil. Rather than the BIG word/goal to aspire to, think of it as something you grow into that you. A plant that you and your Master nurture and shape together. I think once you stop trying to change yourself to fit the romanticized and hyped up definition of the word slave and start forming your own definition that suits who you are as a person you'll find some peace in exploring your submissiveness. You don't have to stop being who you are to be a submissive. No one is 100% sub no one is 100% Dom. Compromise is a vital part of EVERY healthy relationship. Be it business, family, friends, or anything else. Dom/sub relationships are not different. I think that is where some of the fear is. I had it myself, the fear that the more you pursue one identity the more you have to sacrifice as another. For me I love being a boyfriend, aspire to be a husband and a father and for a while I just thought that being a Dom meant I couldn't be as affectionate as I wanted or just take time to be 'the vanilla boyfriend' for a while without loosing the 'respect' garnered from being a Dom. Looking back I feel a bit silly for some of the thoughts I had but back then they were quite genuine and live altering fears. So its not just subs that go through the fear of building/finding/exploring an entire new identity. But really finding a good D/s relationship has less to do with being a 'good slave' and more to do with compatability. Wish it was as easy as 'if you're a good slave/Master then you'll find a good Master/slave' but it rarely works that way. Just patience and understanding is all you can practice with a fair portion of humility and a dash of optimism until you find yourself as a submissive/find someone who you can call Master. But I hope it happens for you and that this long jumble of rambled thoughts is of any help on the matter. ~C 29 Jul 10, 5:36 PM shy_little_girl US(IA), 22 mths Some fear is normal, a reaction to the uncertainty of not knowing what to expect or being afraid that somehow you won't be good enough. Just as subs vary in what they want from a relationship, so do dominants. Take some time to meet people, join safely in the local community, and talk with other subs and dominants to see what they like. You might be surprised to find that you like things that sound terrifying now. She has to admit that t. was quite surprised to find that she is quite a masochist. And even more surprised to find out that she is a slave and not just a submissive. Especially considering how difficult it was to admit to herself that she is submissive. The master who is training me keeps advising patience. With the pace of things and with myself. Since you already have some ideas of what you want, take some time to get to know dominants in your area and see if you can find someone you are compatible with. Then you can, if you wish, explore other aspects of the lifestyle. Good luck. shy_little_girl 29 Jul 10, 5:54 PM 898-443-818 US, 5 yrs 562-400-727 wrote: A new subbie's fear. I am very new at all of this, although I have been hanging out with both dominants and submissives since I was 16 (although some Dominants ganged up to keep me 'clean and untouched' until I turned 18, and shooed everyone else away) I am female, and turned 20 now in july, and I haven't had a Dominant yet, nor have a Dominant 'had me'. My view on what I desire is full of small wishes, simple things, hardly worth being called kinky according to the more experianced subbies I guess...I would simply love being naked on the floor or in a doggybed, in a pet status or simular, with someone calm, almost daddy figure, with whom I would feel more brave to try things out with after that point. When I saw this other thred on this site, about subbies that gets out of line every now and then, a small fear and reminder in me made itself known in me; I am not 100% submissive, although at moments, I wish I were. I'm not sure if it is the fear of submitting fully for the first time that 'holds me back' or if it is simply the way I am, and not knowing that is confusing me even more. The fear I have is that I will find a really good dominant that I feel secure with, but that he will only look down on me for not being able to give it all, so to say, and simply not choose me, thinking something negetive and go looking for someone better. Is this a common fear in new subbies? Have you had it? How is it solved? I had a dream recently that reminded me of my will to be a pet...I dreamt that I was naked, curled up or kneeling on the ground in a small room, and some well dressed people were standing around me, looking me over. I knew they were "free people" and I was not. One of the males bent down and touched a number tag on my left ear, that said 825, and then the one on my right one that said 850, he had this...like..unhappy face when he bent up, and I was thinking something in the lines of 'please pick me, please don't be disapointed, I know I'm small and not really good at anything, but please pick me' something like that, I didn't say it though. When I woke up I thought about that dream a lot, and a few days after that I registered here, my curiosity awoken again after about a year of not thinking about it. So is the fear common? Any tips or generall advices? There is much I know about BDSM, and even more I don't know, but I haven't been 'in the loop' for a years time, and the interest returning so suddenly left me a little wobbly. First of all, lately this board has been shaded by people who are a rather similar in tastes. And that is OK. But the truth is, BDSM wants and needs vary as much as people do So for everyone who wants an extreme relationship, there is someone who wants control, or Daddy/baby girl, or pet and owner, or non sexual control, try and think of it as a clear canvas where anything is possible. Whatever you want is OK. Whatever you want now, won't be the same as you want 5 years from now, or as you try new things. So don't bother comparing yourself to others. (however, if i may also add, PLEASE don't be one of those people who looks down on others for what they want....i personally think everyone's kink is OK even if it is not something i personally wish to do)... anyways... i understand & respect your wanting to save yourself for your special one, but that can also add an awful lot of pressure to an already tough job: finding the one for you. So.... if you chose to do that, cool, but at least date. you cannot get a good idea of what activities you like or don't like, personalities you like or don't like, unless you try. i believe this is true for vanilla men but doubly true for Dominant/sub relationships. If you weren't so excited about saving yourself i would point out sexual compatibility is so important in this lifestyle, perhaps you should try a few different people out. But again, if that is not what you chose to do, i understand. Do not worry about defining kink or the extent of your kink-labels are unimportant, if you find someone that wants to do what you want to do, that is all that matters. As you gain experience in the lifestyle you will find you don't need to be submissive all the time-well you may be, but it is not a "role" you are acting, it is just you! And your Owner the same-really, 90% of the time, are we doing "kinky" things? or are washing our cars, cleaning our house, working, doing laundry-you know, what i mean? Life intervenes. And any good Owner will help you through your hard times. There are plenty of women on here who describe themselves as "feisty" or "independent". That is OK-some masters like that. i am not and mine doesn't-but that is OK too! There is an owner out there for whatever you feel you are, and they will take your hand and push you out of your comfort zone when that time comes. i don't think you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone right now. PS, if your dream reminds you of what you want, embrace it, be proud of it! you have something to offer and someone out there will want you just as you are. The trick is finding that person-but that is true even with the 'nilla's! HTH 898-443-818 i am a slave-i have no rights, no safewords, i do not say "no" to my Master. i do not have "limits". i have entered into consensual slavery, so that may help explain the views in my post. 29 Jul 10, 7:16 PM 562-400-727 SE, 22 mths Ah, wall of text filled with so many good word of advice! It makes me happy ^^ I want to thank everyone who has answered, it made me purr and I have read and considered everyone, and feels a bit better now, a little less wobbly. Although I have sexuall experiance, everytime a Dominant that I have not bounded with has asked if I wanted to play, I have refused, sometimes without knowing why, but I think I get it better now. I'm not really waiting for a prince in shining armour, the "one", a lifemate or anything like that, but as someone here said, it feels not so good to throw myself over someone that I'm not mentaly attracted to, who's dominance does not klick, just because they were there. And I think, as Bina suspected, that it is more the control I am curious on, not the whipps or fetish. (although you know, those swat team police men, those are god damn sexy, with that black kevlar, black masks and...well..rawr, send them this way...black dressed police/military, me likes.) And several pointed out that a sub does not have to obey, or play, all day long, that made me happy to, and although I KNEW that, I had somehow forgotten, and the reminder gave me a "Doh" moment. I get these moments when I really just want o be alone, even if there is someone else in the room, I want my "alone time" in my head. Not to mention the hissing and being "not in ANY mood" when I get PMS, so... My updated rough sketch on interests to start with: *Mental D/s play, part time. *Pet play. *With someone that feels safe. *claps hands* And yes...I ate some candy, I am so sugar lulleble right now. *enjoys* Next page