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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "13th June 2010...A slave finally dies" 13th June 2010...A slave finally dies (8) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Mon 14 Jun 10, 5:51 AM deranged_kitten UK, 4 yrs Y! This is a date I will never forget. Unlucky 13th?? I have always been a strong and successful person in life coped with everything. Some years ago became owned virtually instantly by a beautiful Mistress. A dedicated slave emerged from inside of me that I never knew I had and the chemistry was electric. There was nothing else I wanted or needed in life..and how my life changed. Only another dedicated slave can understand the depth of where I am coming from and just how devastating becoming unowned was. I went into many drunken stupors and I still don't know whether to thank or curse the women in the early hours one morning who saved my life. Little did I know of the jealousy and lies waiting for me out there and the Asian conman who robbed me of my life savings. I have never been the same since. Though being unowned is so bad and heart-breaking, a tiny little bit of joy left was being called Kitten. But that too ended yesterday out of the blue. I pretended not to hear the remark that I will no longer be called Kitten but I could hear my heart pounding. I dared to live in hope that some day things may change and maybe Kitten would be once more on the scene....but that last ray of hope taken away has really fucked me up and its 6am now and I'm still crying my eyes out...It's starting again. I don't want to be Sarah WHY WHY WHY? I am just so upset and now I'm dreading karaoke tonight, I love hearing my ex Mistress singing her favourate song 'Bed of Roses'..but I don't want to hear those lyrics 'While my mistress she calls me to stand in her spotlight again' ever again. What am I to do. My mind is so fucked up right now? I not angry, just so upset. I've been upset and depressed for months and been working my way up and didn't need this. I've just recently got my mind straight and thought I had my safety barriers in place. This latest news has shattered me. Why do I have to care so damned much? I've been up all night and I'm going crazy. I just want the floor to open up and end it all. Sarah x 14 Jun 10, 7:48 AM naughtyslave US, 2 yrs i wish i could put my arms around you and tell you how bad i feel for you. its awful to be rejected from someone you have exposed your soul to. the pain is in a constant motion. most days are terrible others are devastating. i do recognize your pain and your nightmare.i could tell you the usuall crap about time heals everything. i think you just get use to carrying the pain with you. however...nothing is worth the end of time...nothing.Maybe you should get in touch with a therapist.i understand there are therapists that deal with this lifestyle.and maybe you should stay away from the music...i tell you this but i havent been able to change my cd in over 3 months...or maybe you just need a good shoulder to cry on until it becomes bearable...just wanted to tell you that you are not alone,there are alot of us out there carrying the same broken heart. hugs to you! i hope that you find moments of peace in between the living hell you are going through... Take care, naughty 16 Jun 10, 2:40 PM curious_bina US(TN), 2 yrs When life gets you down try to keep your head up. It's very hard advice, and sometimes impossible to do. But you *really* have to try to be positive. Maybe take a look at all these situations, think about them, maybe put a reason to them. This slave believes there's a reason behind everything, even bad things. And what have you learned from these things? Life is tough, we all go through challenges, the hope is that we'll pull through and be able to pass on advice to the next person. *hugs* -s Always the curious one ~ s 10 Jul 10, 6:00 AM deranged_kitten UK, 4 yrs Y! Hi NaughtySlave... Thank you for those words and sorry for the late reply. You may have guessed I am not having much luck dealing with this. 6am again today and up and crying yet again and cant show or tell anyone. I know what you mean about the music. I have just sent my copy of ERA The Mass flying through the garden. It was what was played in each of our sessions and yet I am stupid enough to play it once in a while knowing the effect it would have. You just cant explain to anyone can you how deep it affects you until you have experienced this yourself.Losing my Mistress was every bit as bad as losing my own family. You are right..I am just used to carrying the pain and broken heart whilst putting on a brave smile. I wish you peace and fullfilment...I did have a browse at your profile. Tough going, I know. It is a living hell as you say. Sweet dreams xx 10 Jul 10, 6:07 AM deranged_kitten UK, 4 yrs Y! Hi Curious_s ..again sorry for the late reply. I do try to keep my head up but I don't have the strength to do it all the time and it shows. I anything, time is just hurting me more and right now I'd like to sleep and not wake up. This always about servitude and friendship, but it ending was far worse than ending a relationship. Thank you for your thoughts. Life goes on, and for now so must I! Edited 10 Jul 10, 6:08 AM by deranged_kitten 10 Jul 10, 5:54 PM valhalla 23 mths Sarah x, My heart breaks for you little one. I too know the pain you feel in your Spirit and heart. I know the pain your mind is trying to cope with. I know the scary uncontrollable way your emotions want to fly away from you. You will be ok. You will get through this and you can and will move on.But the pain and fear and loss, all must be felt hon. There is no other way. To feel such pain means you are supremely alive. Only the dead and mindless feel no pain. You must try as best you can to care for yourself. You must try to not allow yourself to dive into harmful behavior in trying to escape the pain you feel. Doing that will not rid your Spirit of the pain, it will only shelve it and allow it to appear at a time not of your choosing. If you do not have to be where your former Mistress is, then perhaps it best you not be. You are not required in this life Sarah, to pour salt on wounds you have, whether self inflicted, or those given by others. As hard as it may be, try to find even a few things to be pleased about in your life. Look for even one or two things that bring you pleasure or solace, and focus on them. And when you wake up tomorrow, do it again. And the next day. Try, very hard, to surround your self, Spirit and heart, with things of beauty and not of pain. Every day the pain gets less and less stinging, Each new day, brings a little more relief. You WILL be ok Sarah..........................v 11 Jul 10, 11:25 AM steved14 UK, 5 yrs Y! sarah i feel so sorry for you , have you reported it , i know little can be done maybe , but he stole from you , he maybe doing others . A real master like me , never asks for money i disagree with it 21 Jul 10, 11:44 AM Master_Graves UK, 22 mths My deepest sympathy goes out to you, I hope one day you will find peace and happiness again. I know I'm a complete stranger but I am happy to help you through as much as I can, if you want my help, for a metaphorical shoulder to cry on or someone to rant at please don't hesitate to contact me. Kindest Regards Master Graves 26 Jul 10, 3:28 AM DignifiedXDisease US(WI), 3 yrs "I think time wounds all heals" This evokes a sort of parental feeling in me. I have dealt with similar, which only leaves me knowing that this agony is not something I can commiserate with, now that I am out of it. I want to hold you, and I want to tell you things will be alright, and I want you to see the person I see in you, and i cant make any of it happen. I hope some day soon you can look in a mirror, and really see yourself, the good, the bad, and all you've done. and when you really see yourself, and know it is you, there is a kind of love there. Until that day comes, I hope we can all be that love. To break me, you must hold me. hold me, and I will love you. If I love you, I trust you to break me gently.