| 978-291-889, Depression is an insidious beast. It can be situational/transitional/acute, as in the death of a loved one, break up of a union or loss of a job, or it can be chronic reality due to body chemistry. My daughter suffered from profound postpartum depression and it was a frightening thing to see, another in so much pain and being unable to change their state of being. I usually handle most stressful events fairly well. Keeping a realistic perspective on my own mind and body's ability to contend with emotional trials. But life isn't so caring of our abilities or lack thereof. In a very short period of time I found myself hammered with the death of a parent, a son injured in combat, an unplanned move from a home I had been in for years (not in itself a bad thing) a very stressful move, new job, a return back to where I moved from (daughter's needs) another new job, stress of living with daughters illness and family, ANOTHER new job, discovery of what it is I have been missing in this area of my life (D/s), having a first Dom, loss of first Dom, then loss of Job due to economy,trying to find, finding (I thought) and then having to end 2 more Dom relationships. This happened over a 4 year time span. Then,,,,
WHAM
I shut down.
My Spirit had contended with enough. Each individual event I seemed to handle well enough. But the cumulative effect finally caught up with me. I stopped eating, sleeping and drinking even water adequately, I stopped speaking. In real life and almost completely on line. I was forced to a point where only my will to survive was keeping me going, and it had to surface and take over, despite anything I was consciously doing to aid it or not.
Not until meeting my last Dom did things start to change. He spoke to me as friend only for over 2 months before any Dom relationship was even mentioned. But I was resistant all the way. My will to not be emotionally destroyed was not going to just let go.
I shared all that,,to say this. Perhaps it is simply your Spirit trying to contend with the events that are causing your depression. In its actions to aid you, it interferes with your living and growing in your submission. Perhaps you must focus on dealing with, and resolving those events (you indicate they are not permanent)that are causing this situational depression. Once you have freed yourself from their influence, you will once again find your path through submission unfettered.
As to keeping a journal, I find this new thing I have been instructed to do by my guide a bit unnerving and liberating at the same time. I think too fast to keep up with myself with long hand writing. So I have been unsuccessful every time I have tried it on my own. Now with typing the journal, I am able to almost keep pace with my mind (lol)
I speak as I type, and do not correct or go back to read anything I have written until I have finished and waited a few minutes. I realize what comes from my mind and fingertips may be something I was not aware of, as happened yesterday.
I wrote something I have stated almost the complete opposite of for some time now. So either I have been ignorant of my own minds standing on the matter, or something has changed recently. This then gives He who is now guiding me an avenue to explore in me.
A previous poster said one can not experience two emotions at once. With the utmost respect (nods head to her) I offer, it is absolutely possible to do so. One can feel, for instance, love and fear at the same time. Or desire and loathing. In the case of love, if one is in fear of what one loves, the love is not yet completely freed or the object of the fear and love may be an unhealthy focus for the lover.
We can love or desire something, and then at the same time, loath ourselves for loving it. Etc.
The human mind is the most fascinating landscape in creation. That there are Doms/Masters who seek to walk there and discover and use those discoveries in a subs life, or that a sub/slave opens or has opened for her that landscape with little to no constraint, I think exemplifies the word TRUST.
So trust yourself in healing from Depression, and those who can aid you and trust the Man who probably knows you better than any other. Your Dom/Master.
Good luck to you.............v
Edited 14 Jul 10, 9:39 PM by valhalla
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