| This issue is a bit bigger than explaining sex to a child or disclosing a BDSM relationship.
Given that the OP indicated a previous history of abuse to herself and her child, a number of issues are at play that will impact how the child deals with the scratch marks on mom, explanations of sex and the disclosure of the BDSM relationship.
The welfare of the child should be considered here first and as much as we would like to play arm chair psychologist and provide our two cents on what the OP should do, it is not in the best interest of the child to do so on this issue unless you specialize in the child psychology field and dealing with child abuse and children who witness family violence. As helpful as we all want to be, sometimes the most help thing to do is know that you are out of your element and refer the person to professionals who can deal with this matter.
I offer the following as information only, and again suggest the OP seek out professional counselling for herself and her child. And then and only then, make the decision about what to discuss about the relationship between the Master and the child's mother.
* * * *
Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear. Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent. Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.
"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989)
Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.
Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood.
Some potential effects:
Emotional
Grief for family and personal losses.
Shame, guilt, and self blame.
Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents.
Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury.
Anger.
Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Embarrassment.
Behavioral
Acting out or withdrawing.
Aggressive or passive.
Refusing to go to school.
Care taking; acting as a parent substitute.
Lying to avoid confrontation.
Rigid defenses.
Excessive attention seeking.
Bedwetting and nightmares.
Out of control behavior.
Reduced intellectual competency.
Manipulation, dependency, mood swings.
Social
Isolation from friends and relatives.
Stormy relationships.
Difficulty in trusting, especially adults.
Poor anger management and problem solving skills.
Excessive social involvement to avoid home.
Passivity with peers or bullying.
Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.
Physical
Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches.
Nervous, anxious, short attention span.
Tired and lethargic.
Frequently ill.
Poor personal hygiene.
Regression in development.
High risk play.
Self abuse
Age-specific indicators:
Infants
Basic need for attachment is disrupted.
Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed.
Injuries while "caught in the crossfire".
Irritability or inconsolable crying.
Frequent illness.
Difficulty sleeping.
Diarrhea.
Developmental delays.
Lack of responsiveness.
Preschool
Somatic or psychosomatic complaints.
Regression.
Irritability.
Fearful of being alone.
Extreme separation anxiety.
Developmental delays.
Sympathetic toward mother.
Elmentary Age
Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile.
Verbal about home life.
Developmental delays.
Externalized behavior problems.
Inadequate social skill development.
Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion.
Preadolescence
Behavior problems become more serious.
Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal.
Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage.
Poor social skills.
Developmental delays.
Protection of mother, sees her as "weak".
Guarded/secretive about family.
Adolescence
Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal.
Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home.
With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity. - Keshavan Nair
Edited 19 Apr 10, 8:32 PM by pet_ka_MJ
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Goodluck
