| /me grins big and much much bigger than big.
this girl had been reading the replies and wish to thank everyone again for their offerings of help. she spend A LOT of time trying to work this matter out, and she finally made the connection.
to Owner Raven Kaldera, and owned soul mutable, this girl thank you both for practical solutions to her problem. she thinks that perhaps a combination of both those ideas may just be the ideal solution.
this girl did not realise that the physical reaction, eventhough not stresful nor emotional, was directly related to a few insidences throughout her younger life.
1'. her stephfather was one who believed in corporal punishment. as a youngster, this girl used to beg not to be beaten (he was particularly nasty in his beatings). at some point she simply 'disconnected' and he very near killed her because this girl refused to cry or make a sound when he did beat her. Master knew about this already, and it was not news to him.
2. this girl was in an abusive relationship with another man. he also beat teh bejayzuz out of her and again, she simply disconnected and refused to make a sound. even when she ended up in hospital. this too, was no suprise to Master
girl realised last night that although she has dealt with the incidences, she has not really made an effort to rid herself from the physical left-overs on her own soul. she staye disconnected through all these years. Master asked her last night what she 'feels' (as so many times before) when he makes this request from girl, and she answered honestly "she feels nothing".
Master also reads these boards and he totally agree with Owner Raven Kaldera about the trauma aspect. Master then, as so many times before, brought up the past aspects and then said something to girl that totally 'clicked' with her. "Then, girl, you begged and it didn't stop... why should you beg now then to make it 'start'" this girl thought about what everyone else wrote and realised Master understood the problem, and from this board she may just have found the solution.
begging is not about the words itself, but about the underlined emotions and desires that flows from it. desperate needs, or lusty desires or (as with this girl) a feverish passion to serve her Master. girl realised that her body 'naturally' could do the begging 'dance' and her eyes could do the begging 'glance' and on paper her mind could do the begging 'emote'.. and now by adding the begging song... *chuckles at the cheesy cliche* she can do the begging song and dance.
this girl is fortuanate that when she finally makes that connection in a logical way between her physical and mental state, healing happens very quickly and she is certain this will now finally be resolved. she thanks you all again, truly and sincerely as she reckons that without the 'objective' view from others, shared experiences and thoughts, that connection would perhaps have taken another long while to be made. this girl truly feels, with all her heart, that Master and her both knew what the problem was... we just didn't know what to DO with it.
thank you again, for listening to this girl's ramblings this morning. she feels totally relieved, very very determined and with a new song in her head, *chuckles* she knows that she will overcome the very hurdle.
(now let's hope this girl can keep you ALL OUT OF HER HEAD while this is going on... it could get crowded in teh room eh!) We are all vanilla to some degree - for society will keep a foothold in our lives. We are all Dom/mes or slave/sub on some level, as there is ALWAYS someone weaker or stronger than you...
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