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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "need help to understand a poly Master" 1 2 need help to understand a poly Master (14) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Wed 30 Dec 09, 12:49 AM lilslave 2 yrs Hi everyone. I am slave to a wonderful Master and I am very happy with him. There is only one part of being with him that has ever worried me. He has been poly for so long and I am not in anyway interested in that. I was raised a very strict Christian so the idea of multiple women scares me. Weve talked and He has assured me that i am most important to him. I feel secure most of the time, until i am faced with the reality that he does have a temporary sub(she moves in a few months). I am His only slave, but there is still this other girl and i sometimes worry that i am not enough. I want to work past that because I can see myself serving Him for a very long time. its just this one little thing that bothers me. Does any one know how to get past this? 30 Dec 09, 1:37 AM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs Reading your post, this sounds like more than "just a little thing". There is a marked difference between being poly and monogamous, and you will need to come to terms with this if your Master is intent on maintaining a poly household. Your upbringing and society in general can condition you to how life should be,how you should do things and what is and isn't an acceptable lifestyle. Since you have chosen to live as a slave to your Master, you have overcome some of what society frowns upon. You may want to read about poly relationships and maybe talk to other subs/slaves who are involved in this type of dynamic. It might help your mindset when it comes to others entering into a relationship with your Master and you. To be truly happy and content in this relationship, you will have to find a way to accomplish this. Only you can decide if this is the dynamic for you. Poly is not for everyone. If you have a strong bond with your Master, have total trust in him, open communication and know he really is the one for you, you should be able to get past your reluctance together. All the best to you both. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away 30 Dec 09, 2:19 AM lilslave 2 yrs Thank you for your advice.. I will definately look into contacting others. 30 Dec 09, 3:38 AM pet_ka_MJ CA, 2 yrs My first Dom was poly. I had a heck of a time with it until I read the following book: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polymory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, 2nd Edition, By Dossie EASTON and Janet W. HARDY (Celestial Arts, Berkley, CA 2009). Without going into a big, huge, long book report here, the book is basically a practical guide to polyamory and open relationships, but it speaks to human sexuality in a way that challenges head on the current social and moral norms about sex. It will help you understand how all of the traditional "programming" shapes how you think about your sexuality and intimate relationships. After reading it, I felt I needed to be de-programmed. What really challenged me, was the ethics of being a slut and the dynamics of polyamory relationships as described in this book. Wow, just wow. My whole way of thinking about fidelity and faithfulness within relationships has changed. I think we have to toss those words out of the relationship lexicon and talk about commitment and open communication, respect and trust. These are far more important. I highly recommened this book to you to assist in gaining a better understanding of open or poly relationships. It is not something you will find in your local bookstore, but I know Amazon.com has copies. Good luck and I hope you are able to work things out. With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity. - Keshavan Nair Edited 30 Dec 09, 3:40 AM by pet_ka_MJ 30 Dec 09, 3:49 AM lilslave 2 yrs pet_ka_MJ wrote: My first Dom was poly. I had a heck of a time with it until I read the following book: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polymory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, 2nd Edition, By Dossie EASTON and Janet W. HARDY (Celestial Arts, Berkley, CA 2009). Without going into a big, huge, long book report here, the book is basically a practical guide to polyamory and open relationships, but it speaks to human sexuality in a way that challenges head on the current social and moral norms about sex. It will help you understand how all of the traditional "programming" shapes how you think about your sexuality and intimate relationships. After reading it, I felt I needed to be de-programmed. What really challenged me, was the ethics of being a slut and the dynamics of polyamory relationships as described in this book. Wow, just wow. My whole way of thinking about fidelity and faithfulness within relationships has changed. I think we have to toss those words out of the relationship lexicon and talk about commitment and open communication, respect and trust. These are far more important. I highly recommened this book to you to assist in gaining a better understanding of open or poly relationships. It is not something you will find in your local bookstore, but I know Amazon.com has copies. Good luck and I hope you are able to work things out. thank you so much i will look for that book and get it soon. 31 Dec 09, 2:00 PM pinklucy UK, 3 yrs I have had a poly way of thinking for a very long time, so I began in a different place to you. However, something you said resonated with me. You mentioned your need to be ressured that you are 'the most important'. I used to feel like this until I came to realise that it's part of the same traps of monogamous thinking. Monogamy in itself is of course a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice. However, if your intent is to live within a poly relationship and poly doesn't come naturally to you it may be a case of actively trying to change your mindset. Although I had always wanted a poly relationship I struggled with the reality of polyamory - the fact my partner could actually *love* other people - even (shock horror!) love them as much as me! Monogamous thinking fills us with fear - fears about our partners feeling attracted to someone else, about kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, or worst of all loving someone else! Polyamory gives us the chance to release these fears and live outside them. What is the fear actually about? I believe it is essentially about two things - the fear that our partners might not be attracted to us or love us anymore, and the separate fear that we might have to break up. These fears stem from the rules of monogamy which state you may not express attraction for more than one person or love more than one person. If you break the rules you have done wrong and your punishment is that you lose your partner. What if these rules were thrown out of the window and declared to be nonsense? For a great many people living in poly relationships they *are* nonsense. What if the way your partner felt towards other people actually had no relation to how they feel for you? (After all why should they? Do we worry that because our partners love their mother/kids/dog that they must not love us anymore?)What if feeling attraction and/or love for someone else wasn't a bad thing so nobody had to suffer or worry that you might break up? Wouldn't that be liberating? Eventually I managed to let go of my desire to be 'the most important' and realised that all we needed to be was who we are to each other. Your relationship with your partner is *your* relationship with your partner. It doesn't need to be measured against his relationship with anyone else. Having to be 'the most important' also means deliberately putting someone in the place of being 'less important' which is an unpleasant place to be and in my mind an unkind place to put someone. People may be 'more involved' or 'spend more time together' or 'have a stronger commitment' but I think these are kinder ways to acknowledge the differences in relationships. There are challenges in poly realtionships as there are in any relationships, but there is also joy and freedom to be found. I'm not sure whether it is possible for someone to change from a strong mono mindset to a poly one, but it that is your goal then I hope you achieve it and feel happy within your relationship. I'm happy to talk more about poly stuff if you would like. 31 Dec 09, 3:09 PM 564-105-897 FR, 4 yrs amatae wrote: I have had a poly way of thinking for a very long time, so I began in a different place to you. However, something you said resonated with me. You mentioned your need to be ressured that you are 'the most important'. I used to feel like this until I came to realise that it's part of the same traps of monogamous thinking. Monogamy in itself is of course a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice. However, if your intent is to live within a poly relationship and poly doesn't come naturally to you it may be a case of actively trying to change your mindset. Although I had always wanted a poly relationship I struggled with the reality of polyamory - the fact my partner could actually *love* other people - even (shock horror!) love them as much as me! Monogamous thinking fills us with fear - fears about our partners feeling attracted to someone else, about kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, or worst of all loving someone else! Polyamory gives us the chance to release these fears and live outside them. What is the fear actually about? I believe it is essentially about two things - the fear that our partners might not be attracted to us or love us anymore, and the separate fear that we might have to break up. These fears stem from the rules of monogamy which state you may not express attraction for more than one person or love more than one person. If you break the rules you have done wrong and your punishment is that you lose your partner. What if these rules were thrown out of the window and declared to be nonsense? For a great many people living in poly relationships they *are* nonsense. What if the way your partner felt towards other people actually had no relation to how they feel for you? (After all why should they? Do we worry that because our partners love their mother/kids/dog that they must not love us anymore?)What if feeling attraction and/or love for someone else wasn't a bad thing so nobody had to suffer or worry that you might break up? Wouldn't that be liberating? Eventually I managed to let go of my desire to be 'the most important' and realised that all we needed to be was who we are to each other. Your relationship with your partner is *your* relationship with your partner. It doesn't need to be measured against his relationship with anyone else. Having to be 'the most important' also means deliberately putting someone in the place of being 'less important' which is an unpleasant place to be and in my mind an unkind place to put someone. People may be 'more involved' or 'spend more time together' or 'have a stronger commitment' but I think these are kinder ways to acknowledge the differences in relationships. There are challenges in poly realtionships as there are in any relationships, but there is also joy and freedom to be found. I'm not sure whether it is possible for someone to change from a strong mono mindset to a poly one, but it that is your goal then I hope you achieve it and feel happy within your relationship. I'm happy to talk more about poly stuff if you would like. 31 Dec 09, 3:10 PM 564-105-897 FR, 4 yrs yes the necklace. 1 Jan 10, 8:20 PM Ettiennes_slut US(OR), 2 yrs amatae wrote: I have had a poly way of thinking for a very long time, so I began in a different place to you. However, something you said resonated with me. You mentioned your need to be ressured that you are 'the most important'. I used to feel like this until I came to realise that it's part of the same traps of monogamous thinking. Monogamy in itself is of course a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice. However, if your intent is to live within a poly relationship and poly doesn't come naturally to you it may be a case of actively trying to change your mindset. Although I had always wanted a poly relationship I struggled with the reality of polyamory - the fact my partner could actually *love* other people - even (shock horror!) love them as much as me! Monogamous thinking fills us with fear - fears about our partners feeling attracted to someone else, about kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, or worst of all loving someone else! Polyamory gives us the chance to release these fears and live outside them. What is the fear actually about? I believe it is essentially about two things - the fear that our partners might not be attracted to us or love us anymore, and the separate fear that we might have to break up. These fears stem from the rules of monogamy which state you may not express attraction for more than one person or love more than one person. If you break the rules you have done wrong and your punishment is that you lose your partner. What if these rules were thrown out of the window and declared to be nonsense? For a great many people living in poly relationships they *are* nonsense. What if the way your partner felt towards other people actually had no relation to how they feel for you? (After all why should they? Do we worry that because our partners love their mother/kids/dog that they must not love us anymore?)What if feeling attraction and/or love for someone else wasn't a bad thing so nobody had to suffer or worry that you might break up? Wouldn't that be liberating? Eventually I managed to let go of my desire to be 'the most important' and realised that all we needed to be was who we are to each other. Your relationship with your partner is *your* relationship with your partner. It doesn't need to be measured against his relationship with anyone else. Having to be 'the most important' also means deliberately putting someone in the place of being 'less important' which is an unpleasant place to be and in my mind an unkind place to put someone. People may be 'more involved' or 'spend more time together' or 'have a stronger commitment' but I think these are kinder ways to acknowledge the differences in relationships. There are challenges in poly realtionships as there are in any relationships, but there is also joy and freedom to be found. I'm not sure whether it is possible for someone to change from a strong mono mindset to a poly one, but it that is your goal then I hope you achieve it and feel happy within your relationship. I'm happy to talk more about poly stuff if you would like. Thank you for your reply to this post. i find myself struggling with that strong mono mindset. The portions of your post that really strike a chord, i've made bold. Your entire post is important to me, actually, but these bits i've found most striking. Personally, i've never had a problem with Him having sex with others (especially if i get to watch ). i struggle with Him loving someone else. i wonder though whether it is so much that He loves this other, or that He is more involved and spends more time with the other? Thank you, again. You've given me much to ponder. my hope is to eventually come to the same understanding that you describe, if for no other reason than my own peace of mind. Ettiennes_slut 1 Jan 10, 9:36 PM GerardVanDam NL, 4 yrs @ amatae: Very good post, amatae. You quite accurately described the (mixed) feelings of my subs when we were poly, 25 years ago. These relationships were more or less vanilla. So I was NOT always the one who decided who would be where. Probably most relationships would be better with one central deciding person, the "dominant". But this does not put an end to emotional problems. First of all, people change during the course of their lives. Secondly, a new relationship seems to change the involved. Thirdly, many people, including the poly, do not seem to realize that polyrelationships and their dynamics are far more difficult than "mono". In a mono relationship there is only one factor: Can A live with B? In a threesome, first there is (A with B?), second (A with C?), third (B with C?), fourth (A with B+C?), fifth (B with A+C?), sixth (C with A+B?), seventh (A+B+C?). Not all of these questions need to be solved. Take the seventh: if there are three persons, one of them a male, it simply is not possible (for most men) to have good sex with both of the women (Even the great Casanova had to fake orgasms). Some women can easily handle two or more men. By contrast, in non-sex situations the MWW can work perfectly. It takes time to find out all these aspects. So, three-(or more-)somes are more difficult. And each has its special problems - and happiness! English is not my first language. Please be aware that for many here it is difficult to express their feelings. If I make mistakes, please tell me. 1 Jan 10, 11:05 PM lilslave 2 yrs Well so everyone who has commented know,I have been able to work past the problems I was having thanks in part to a couple of posts made by others. I know a lot more now, and have a few very long talks with Master. I know i can handle or do anything with Master leading. I just had to let go and trust, give up that last little bit of control..... Next page