11 Dec 09, 3:11 PM
650-736-585
GR, 2 yrs
 |
Greetings to all,
Interesting post this is. I too have a constant fear of failing my potential Master/Dom due to my "minor" health problems and dashed self-confidence. And as a person with an almost inexisted feeling of serf-assurance, it is easy for me to collapse in a "I'm-a-total-piece-of-shit crisis".
I guess it's a child trauma located in my sweet-years when my parents -who were good parents- had the disadvantage of never saying a good word. Their motto was "If you do something, do it right!" So when 8yo me was washing the dishes to please mum, but could not lift the heavy casseroles, she wouldn't give any credits, but say: "If you don't finish the job, it's like doing nothing". Or if 10yo me would be in the yard cutting the grass, dad would say something like: You've missed a spot. Do it or don't do it at all.
Everything I did had to be *perfect* or else it didn't matter at all; "Bravo, good job" is something I've never heard coming out from their lips.
So, to make a long story short, I realized that my today persona is always looking for reassurance that I am worthy and capable of doing something good. A pat on the head, a good word or something.
So, I've become a perfectionist who's in constant fear of failing others; either it is about a friend who asked a favour, a colleague at work, or a potential Master/Dom. When something is asked, I get in panic mode: my brain speeds up to warp-speed trying to think, calculate, plan, etc. All my energy focuses on the task. If I fail to do the task, I usually collapse in some intense "I-so-fucking-hate-myself" and get almost self destructive by mentally bitch-slapping me to the ground. (after second reading my post... Am I TWISTED or something?!)
Now, add to whole thing that I'm quite fat, which limits my physical "servitude" abilities, and suffer from panic attacks and palpitations, I result thinking that I am a helpless wimp (who's afraid of failing others) and thus, deserves no respect or love.
My constant anxiety is: "Am I good enough to actually serve someone; or am I a piece of crap who's worthless and who shouldn't even think of becoming a slave/sub?"
Some, find people like me cute and worth helping, some hate me and say something like: "Get a life and don't waste my time looser!".
All I know is that through the course of my life I struggle so surpass all these obstacles, rectify my issues, and hope I'll manage to survive, rather than collapsing. What I don't know is if I'll find a Master who'll think I'm worth of his time and energy... ^_^;
The whole topic though made me feel that there's some hope.  • I humbly ask for your tolerance and forgiveness to my ignorance.
Edited 12 Dec 09, 10:28 AM by 650-736-585
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15 Dec 09, 10:38 PM
CarolinaMoon
IE, 3 yrs |
I injured my back several months into our relationship. Things are much better now but there were days when he had to dress me, help me turn over in bed, help me in and out of the shower etc. I was in constant pain and this affected my mood hugely as well.
He was so good to me at that time that it made me realise that I was important to him as a person, that he loved me for myself and not just for what I did for him.
Its a relationship. Life isn't always perfect but we are there for each other. |
