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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Submission slipping without control. " 1 2 Submission slipping without control. (16) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. 24 Nov 09, 5:42 AM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs Oh, dietary limitations can be hard to keep at the best of times. I can relate totally to that! Once you start to eat things you shouldn't, it does get easier. Then you feel guilty which in turn makes you feel like a failure, then you stop exercising etc. etc. Yes, it can be a vicious circle. I have been there in the past. I really think it involves more than your submission or even disappointing yourself or your Mistress. You can defeat it though. It's hard but you will feel so much better once it is under control. Not to mention healthier. You are doing this for yourself more than anyone. Remind yourself that you deserve to be healthy and happy when you think you can't do it. Do you keep a food diary? If not it would be an idea to start one and write down everything you eat or drink. Even if you have sauce on something, or a piece of gum during the day, write it down and don't cheat, because you just cheat yourself. I found doing this helped me see what I was really eating. Do you have a friend that may be trying to eat healthier right now? Maybe you could have a buddy system to support each other. It's so much easier to say to a friend, "Do you really need to eat that?" than to say it to yourself. Schedule a gym session or a walk for the same time daily. Really schedule it, write it down, like you would for the dentist or doctor and make yourself do it. It's harder to ignore things when you have it on your calendar. If you have to have something you love or just can't help it, like chocolate, make sure you don't have it in the house. Get something in that is healthier but with the same texture or that has the ingredient included. (ff chocolate yogurt or frozen yogurt) Or make yourself walk to the shop in order to get it. You may change your mind by the time you get there. Or get the smallest portion you can find. Don't totally deprive yourself of things. This will set you up for failure. Make it just once every couple of weeks. It will give you something to look forward to. Make sure your plan is realistic. Remember it is a lifestyle change not a temporary fix. Stress can influence what you eat as well. With life getting in the way, it could also be one of the reasons you are struggling with this right now. Find something to clean or do when you catch yourself reaching for something you shouldn't have. Hope this helps on the dietary part. Once you get that part back in control,you will feel better about yourself and may find it easier to get back on track in other areas of your submission. All the best to you. If you ever need some support, just memo. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away Edited 24 Nov 09, 5:55 AM by 333-528-841 24 Nov 09, 12:08 PM pinklucy UK, 3 yrs Thank you again everybody. Your support gave me the confidence to speak to my Mistress and I think it went well. I haven't actually been apart from my Mistress during this time. We have seen each other as often as we usually do but due to various issues, primarily health related, my Mistress has been unable to keep on top of discipline issues as she usually would. Luckily we have still been able to enjoy spending time together. I actually asked my Mistress directly but in quite a light hearted way whether I was supposed to always tell her when I do something wrong. She said that I should, but thankfully I think she also understood when I said I'd been using my discretion and deciding not to burden her with minor things at a time when she doesn't need anything extra to worry about. We have agreed that I should write down any errors in my punishment book to keep a record which allows her to decide when she finds out. She has asked me to maintain extra focus on the more important things. I also took advice from you lovely people and presented some ideas as well. Someone had actually offered to help my Mistress maintain physical discipline if she would like assistance with that. I mentioned this to her and she said she may well take up the offer. I also suggested I could ask my mentor for a daily supportive phone call to help keep me on track. I know my Mistress finds this pattern tiresome. She said she is bored of it and that it would make it so much easier if I could maintain my submission during times when life is more difficult than usual. I feel a little confused though. Other people seem to be able to submit regardless of overt control from their Dominant. For me though I feel that the reason I submit is because of my specific relationship with my Mistress. It is about her as an individual. If the presence of her overt control were to have little or no effect on my submission I feel like my submission would just be generic and not actually related to her. Surely, if her control makes no difference I may as well just live out a fantasy in my own bedroom or submit to anyone whether they have control over me or not. I feel I may be missing the point, but also cannot shake the feeling that my Mistress's direct control *should* be important and influential over my submission. MasterFire, thank you for your insight. I do ask myself why I want to submit and the only answer I can come up with is that I want to submit to my Mistress because of who she is. I spent 15 years enjoying intense D/s roleplay before I met someone who drew out a desire in me to offer genuine submission. It is not an innate part of me, it is a direct response to my Mistress. This means that I am certainly not the most easy submissive to manage. My Mistress says that my submission tastes all the sweeter for knowing that it is not the way I usually am. She enjoys teasing it out of me drop by drop and I do struggle with it, but I enjoy the struggle. 24 Nov 09, 2:13 PM starshineowned US(TX), 3 yrs I feel a little confused though. Other people seem to be able to submit regardless of overt control from their Dominant. For me though I feel that the reason I submit is because of my specific relationship with my Mistress. It is about her as an individual. If the presence of her overt control were to have little or no effect on my submission I feel like my submission would just be generic and not actually related to her. Surely, if her control makes no difference I may as well just live out a fantasy in my own bedroom or submit to anyone whether they have control over me or not. I feel I may be missing the point, but also cannot shake the feeling that my Mistress's direct control *should* be important and influential over my submission. Of course her control should have a impact on you but I would like you to take a step back for a moment amatae. I realize that these dynamics happen more readily and happily if all parties involved are getting their needs met; however, with the way you are expressing this "direct control" in order to make your submission come forth..it sounds more like the priorities of who's needs are being pushed to the forefront and served first are yours and not your Mistress's. Is this really how you want the dynamic to be with her? She obviously can bring that submission out of you but at some point you have to accept that these things are at her choosing and doing and should not be a result of you basically forcing her into doing them because you want your submission your way. Not trying to be mean at all but sometimes you just need to sit and evaluate yourself in things. starshine 24 Nov 09, 10:56 PM pinklucy UK, 3 yrs starshineowned wrote: Of course her control should have a impact on you but I would like you to take a step back for a moment amatae. I realize that these dynamics happen more readily and happily if all parties involved are getting their needs met; however, with the way you are expressing this "direct control" in order to make your submission come forth..it sounds more like the priorities of who's needs are being pushed to the forefront and served first are yours and not your Mistress's. Is this really how you want the dynamic to be with her? She obviously can bring that submission out of you but at some point you have to accept that these things are at her choosing and doing and should not be a result of you basically forcing her into doing them because you want your submission your way. Not trying to be mean at all but sometimes you just need to sit and evaluate yourself in things. starshine Hi starshine, I keep trying to respond and then feel unsure what to say. I don't think you are being mean and I certainly do question my own capabilities as a submissive. I know I am not a service oriented person and I have come to realise that I am not a slave type either, even though I was attracted by the idea for a long time. I do have a strong desire to submit to my Mistress though. I care very much about my Mistress's happiness and do try very hard to meet her needs within our relationship. However, I know I am not like the slaves and submissives who feel their own needs are directly met when they meet the needs and wants of their Dominants. I know I have over simplified that, and that is isn't always as smooth running as that. I am aware though of having my own direct desires which are important to me, separate to those of my Mistress rather than deriving a more slave like satisfaction from putting my own wishes aside to please my Mistress. I certainly don't wish to have my needs prioritised though, and if that's what it sounds like I'm doing then I will have to think about that. I'm still not sure I understand though. I know it is far from ideal that I don't manage every aspect of my submission perfectly when my Mistress is unable to discipline me, but does the fact that I ate some forbidden food a few times during a difficult time actually equate to me prioritising my needs over those of my Mistress? I have agonised over those mistakes, but still feel I have done my best. I have tried to seek advice on how to get myself back on track. It does feel pretty daunting and upsetting to feel that my behaviour and concerns suggest that I prioritise myself over my Mistress. I am not being critical of my Mistress or even suggesting she should do anything different let alone trying to force her into something. My failings are not a manipulative attempt at bringing about the control I crave. If I thought I could cure my Mistress's health problems with disobedience then I would run wild, but I do realise that under certain circumstances the details of our D/s dynamic cannot be a priority focus. I am far more worried about her health than I am about my submission but I am still trying my best because our dynamic is so important to us. I'm trying to manage because I know that I meet my Mistress's needs best when I am submitting to her because we feel our love strongly in our dynamic. I am trying to support her as best I can in ways I think are helpful to her. In the big scheme of things my disobediences are minor details but I have posted about them here because being the best I can be will be helpful to my Mistress. I'm not perfect by any means. I have limitations. I am not a typical submissive and I do not have a slave or service mentality. However, I do care deeply about my Mistress, our relationship and our D/s dynamic. I'm aware I'm sounding a little defensive now. As I said initially I worry sometimes that despite my best efforts the actual result is that I am a burden rather than a submissive who brings pleasure, and if it's actually true that I am prioritising my own needs then I've got it badly wrong which just re-enforces that feeling. 25 Nov 09, 2:59 AM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs amatae: I personally think that if everyone is totally honest, there are many who have challenges in regards to their submission. No one is perfect, it's impossible. I know I certainly have had my moments and still do. I expect I always will at some time or another. Does it make you a bad submissive? No, of course not,just means you are human. Does not having a slave mentality mean you are a bad submissive? No again, not everyone is cut out to be a slave or have the mindset for it. Nor is everyone meant to be service oriented. There are many different types of submissives just as there are many different types of relationships. No two are the same. Look to the relationship you have with your Mistress and what she tells you and expects of you. Do not worry about what others think you should be doing. What may be natural, right or expected of them will not be the same for you. If you and your Mistress are happy with each other, are growing together in general and are supportive of each other, even when times are bad, then good for you. There are a lot of people in this world who cannot say the same. Look at what is right for the two of you. Everyone does have needs and wants. To me, it sounds like you have a need for the control. It is something that you feel unable to live without and still be happy and productive. It also sounds like your Mistress is doing what she can in order to meet this need. It may be through another Domme, but look at it like it is by proxy because really it is. It will be at your Mistress' request. If your Mistress thinks you are putting something before her, she will let you know. Your Mistress does not sound like the type who would not meet your needs and she knows best what are needs and what are wants, so look to her. I submit to one person, as I think do most on this site. Although I may pay more attention to naturally dominant people, I don't drop to my knees for them and never would. As long as my Dom is happy with me and even times when he may not be too thrilled with my attitude or something I am doing, that is who I look to, no one else. No one else really matters. Best wishes to you. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away Edited 25 Nov 09, 3:05 AM by 333-528-841 25 Nov 09, 4:16 PM pinklucy UK, 3 yrs Thank you so much for you response 333-528-841. I really appreciate the advice I've had and the comments that have made me think even if it's uncomfortable. Your reassurance and understanding feels very welcome at the moment though. I know my Mistress values the fact that my submission is a direct response to her. I know she also understands that submission does not come naturally to me and that this is the first time I have lived within this dynamic rather than played with it. That helps me feel better. 333-528-841 wrote: Everyone does have needs and wants. To me, it sounds like you have a need for the control. It is something that you feel unable to live without and still be happy and productive. It also sounds like your Mistress is doing what she can in order to meet this need. It may be through another Domme, but look at it like it is by proxy because really it is. It will be at your Mistress' request. This really struck a chord. You describe exactly how I start to feel without overt control. Despite my best efforts I begin to feel less happy and less productive within my submission. I also feel a bit lost. I then feel guilty for feeling that way, and guilty for my failures which leads to me feeling more unhappy and more unproductive! I think you are right that for me the control is a need. I think my Mistress understands this and I know it makes her anxious and worried when her health dictates that some areas of control must be delayed. Obviously, knowing my Mistress feels that way makes me anxious and worried too and feeds into the unhappiness! Sheesh! Talk about a difficult spiral!! I think my Mistress and I need to reassure each other more during these times. I want to reassure her that I will be ok and I still want to be hers and submit to her and I'm doing my best. I think I crave a bit of reassurance that despite slipping a little she knows I am trying my best even though I find it difficult in the absence of the strict discipline structure she usually favours. This doesn't mean I think she should let me get away with disobedience. I think what we tend to do is not mention it much. I know my Mistress doesn't usually like to talk about situations she finds upsetting so that's the angle I go for.