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	TSR : Web boards : O&P : "Authenticity" 1 2 3 4 Authenticity (38) This post is on the O&P web board. 2 Jan 10, 11:03 PM 552-352-197 UK, 2 yrs My authenticity is constantly questioned .. because of the way I look .. the fact that I have a "Domme" look .. I cant help my genetics .. Yes I am alpha .. but that is part of me .. not what I feel in my soul .. In all of my vanilla relationships .. I have taken the submissive role .. not realising it until very recently .. All of my vanilla partners have been Dominant Alpha Males .. that was my choice as a vanilla .. but still my authenticity is questioned .. and some think that they can sway my status .. by questioning it .. I wont change .. it is who and what I am .. and for those who wish to pigeonhole due to appearance .. so be it .. it will not change the fact that I am a slave .. and think in a slave way .. that wont change .. just because someone else thinks I am not .. ... End of rant ... phoenix .. Feel the Fear and do it anyway .. 3 Jan 10, 12:40 AM pet_ka_MJ CA, 2 yrs I started writing a rely to this thread when it first started in September. Now that it has been started again, I figure, what the heck, here is my pound of pennies on the topic of authenticity. "Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong." I came across this quote years ago and always thought it should be made into a t-shirt that everyone wore at least once a week to remind us that: we are who we are - the good... the bad... and the ugly. And, while we strive to be our best, we cannot ignore the bad and the ugly aspects of ourselves. When I encounter people who are not "authentic" I feel empathy - the denial of their true selves indicates a level of self loathing and/or fear, and I often end up asking myself "what prevents them from being authentically who they are?" Fear is a huge motivator: fear of not living up to the expectations of the other; fear of loosing or being rejected by the other; or fear of loosing oneself, not knowing what you will become. Our life journey towards a full awareness of self is a perilous thing and it is not for the faint of heart, it requires a level of introspection, self acceptance and adaptability, with no guarantee of the outcome. It requires that we face our deepest fears and our ugliest selves. Few are willing or able to take this journey. Does it make them less authentic if they don't? We have all at some time or another put on masks to help us deal with aspects of our lives. For example, the "vanilla" mask we wear if we are not openly living our BSDM lifestyle. Are we being authentic to ourselves when we publically deny this aspect of our being? What does it mean to live an authentic existence all the time and in every aspect of our lives anyway? Where is the line drawn in the sand that says we are "not real" or "not authentic"? Who defines "authentic" or "real" anyway? When does the "fantasy" of who we think we are and who we want to be clash with the reality? There are character deficiencies like dishonesty, distrust, and faithlessness, yet each of these does not make a person less authenic. It may be the ugly side of their personality that we see more often, the side that when we have to interact with them causes us harm, but it does not make them any more or less authentic than you or I. They are who they are, they just live in the ugly side of themselves more than you or I might. In this lifestyle how do we define what it true or authentic? We can't, because we each define our own reality, and we hope that we find someone who shares our ideas or at least enough of them that we can work things out together. The problems arise and the harm accrues when we stumble upon people whose reality does not match our own and we try to make things work. Does it make these people less authentic? Annoying, yes. Less authentic... no, probably not. Yet, it does not mitigate the emotional or physical damage that can be done when we find these people, or they find us. This is why is it important to know ourselves and protect ourselves from harm. It is our responsibility to ourselves to do this, no one else's. Trust our gut when the red flags start to pop up, be willing to say "sorry I don't think we are a match" if what they need out of a relationship does not match our own. We each come to relationships with agendas, a list of needs we want met in that relationship. If one person's agenda does not match our own, does it make them less authentic? If they are willing to lie and cheat to get it, does it make them less authentic? No, but probably infinately more dangerous to our well-being. In this regard, the best advise there is to use precaution and take our time... like Rome, a healthy, fulfilling M/s relationship is not built/made in a day. For those of us who have experienced harm as a result of a relationship gone bad, the question we need to ask ourselves is "what can I learn from this?" We may not be able to change the other person, but we certainly can learn from our mistakes and protect ourselves so we do not repeat these same mistakes the next time. I see a lot of judgement on the TSR website about what constitutes or does not constitute a "true" Master or slave, with little or no recognition that some of us are at different places on our journey within the lifestyle. True, some will always just be dabblers, those too afraid to make a commitment or those too afraid to explore their dominant or submissive side to its fullest extent, but it is not our place to judge someone else's journey. I am reminded of a quote from the Bible... "judge not, lest ye be judged." There will always be the dabblers, the wannabes and those with a skewed sense of reality, and there will even be those that are psychopaths and lethally dangerous as well. And while we can't change them, we can look out for ourselves and take better care of ourselves and be authentically who we are in the hopes of finding a good match. With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity. - Keshavan Nair 3 Jan 10, 4:58 AM 316-455-508 US(WI), 2 yrs Y! ravenkaldera wrote: When I go to meetings of D/s or M/s types, there's often someone (in the M-section) who is complaining that it's "too much work" and they need a break from mastery. When I talk to them, inevitably it comes out that they're not being authentic - they're taking the persona role that they created to be a scene dominant and attempting to extend it to 24/7 ... and of course that's exhausting, and distancing, and unsustainable. I try to get across to them that this is not about roles, at least not between the master and slave. I'm just me, all the time, and he's just him, all the time, only I happen to be in charge of him and he has to do everything I say. That shouldn't be exhausting and distancing and make you want to get away from it. If it is, you're doing it wrong! And yes, I say that bluntly - if the master ever feels like they want to just run away from the situation, they are most certainly doing it wrong, and the solution lies with them and only them. The person in charge should not feel beaten down by the dynamic. Ideally, neither should, but if either does it's still the master's job to fix it. Of course, I say that from the point of view of someone who is comfortable taking large amounts of responsibility. Seriously, lack of ability to be authentic and make the jump from roles to reality is the big glass mirror that so many folks have trouble crossing. I think part of it is that many are still hung up on it as sexy, and who they authentically are isn't sexy to them. They only feel sexy when they're in role, not when they're just George and Matilda, or Pat and Chris. Why, that would make master/slave stuff no more of a turn-on than ... taking out the garbage or changing the catbox or calling the dry-cleaner. Authenticity seems dull and drab to many people. I don't know what to do about that, except to encourage them to use a M/s dynamic to help support the M in finding a more fulfilling life path, in which the s can support them. It's a hard thing to advise on. -Raven Kaldera 011269 slave of my god sir. master david harris,,as i bow and take great pleasure in your well spoken words oh kind one . sir keep up the good work . owned slave of Sir. master david harris,0011269 4 Jan 10, 6:32 AM GypsieCowboy US(NM), 3 yrs Y! in my community we have created a new term: Spicers. meaning folks who enjoy the spice of life. because many of us were damn sick and tired of folks being judgmental (didn't we all get enough of that in the vanilla babylon when we first began to come out of our private closets)... wannabees part time weekenders confused whatever words someone might use to put down someone else... because that person does not claim to be 24/7. most people I have met in the life (I have met hundreds) are NOT 24/7 in it. most of them are involved in jobs, school, worship, friendships, family relations in which they are not totally open and into the role of Dom/Domme or sub/slave. many of them are sub with one gender, dom with another. or sub to one individual while dom to every one else. even more of us are dom or sub in some relationships and vanilla in others. few of us are ONLY and ALWAYS kink in our sexuality. I know that I can enjoy vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. I know that foreplay for me includes both, sometimes together sometimes one or the other. we each are ourselves and celebrating the differences is to celebrate life. we each must try our damnedest to BE ourselves if we want to live life to the fullest. that does not mean that we cannot work to better ourselves, to change behaviors (for example) that make us uncomfortable. nor does it mean that we cannot choose to be in a relationship with someone for whom we will decide to make changes. I am a Spicer. I am not a 24/7 anything other than MySelf. Some of my group have taken on interesting nicknames that communicate something special. Saffron, cinnamon, jalapeno, garlic, salty, sage, curry, nutmeg... My moods change and there are times when I will mix nutmeg with curry or when I just want a jalapeno experience, or when brown sugar, honey and cinnamon are the perfect mix. And I am here to tell anyone who wants to know MY opinion, that it is OKAY totally for you to be you even if being you means you contradict yourself, confuse yourself, give mixed signals to your partners, whatever. (on the other hand I could point to a few women who know damned well that I am the most demanding Owner they have ever known... and I am extremely creative with Punishments when Punishments are appropriate... or fun... which is most of the time) I would spread the cloths under your feet: I, being poor, have only My dreams; I have spread My dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on My dreams. (Yeats) I worship you with punishments, exalt you by training you. Seek perfection? Look for yourSelf in My eyes. GypsieCowboy 4 Jan 10, 6:19 PM 333-528-841 CA, 3 yrs GypsieCowboy wrote: most of them are involved in jobs, school, worship, friendships, family relations in which they are not totally open and into the role of Dom/Domme or sub/slave. One does not need to "show" a Dom/Domme or sub/slave side to them 24 hours a day. If my Master had to consciously show me he is my Master all the time, I know he would think me to be very high maintenance and start to wonder WTF. I would say that 99.999% of people who are in a 24/7 D/s relationship are involved in everyday life as mentioned above. Everyday life is part of a 24/7 dynamic whatever people think. To me, that is what makes life authentic and real. It does not change a D/s dynamic. OK, people don't necessarily walk around pulling a sub/slave by a leash or spanking them in front of their boss or at the supermarket but that is the kink, not the dynamic. They are two different parts, not the whole sum. Regardless of where I am or what I am doing, I will still obey and follow through on my Masters requests and expectations. Just because I am at work or at church does not mean I do not serve and obey him. Just my opinion. Happy New Year to all. 333-528-841 Life shouldn't be measured by the breaths you take; but by the moments that take your breath away 11 Jan 10, 1:30 PM TheOne UK, 2 yrs The ones who jump on the use of 'real' and 'true' have to examine their OWN motives. Very often such people are insecure in their practice of D/s and quite rightly too because - surprise, surprise - it turns out that they think dressing in rubber or leather automatically makes them a Dom or a sub. I have had extended discussions with people who can, apparently, spend days or even weeks at a time without a single D or s thought sullying their sweet, little vanilla minds. Quite frankly, I suspect most of them would not recognise such a thought if it slapped them in the face with a wet haddock. Come Friday or Saturday night, needless to say, all this changes and they become, magically, 'Lord This' or 'slave that'. They remind me of the people who go to folk clubs and compose new 'traditional' songs while wearing their Fair Isle sweaters and pretending to be not Wayne or Sharon from the office but Hebridean fishermen or lasses who have lost their plough boy lovers... Edited 11 Jan 10, 1:31 PM by TheOne 13 Jan 10, 1:30 PM curious_bina US(TN), 2 yrs Tanos wrote: Authenticity In my opinion, being authentic or "being the same on the outside as the inside", is an essential quality of the kinds of D/s and M/s I want to be involved in and associated with. Have you had problems with people or in relationships that, deep down, have been about lack of authenticity? Regards, Tanos For this slave her previous Master was always talking about "real" M's and "real" slaves. It really shouldn't matter. What a M wants for their slave is how the slave should act, and that should be real enough. Others aren't forced to like it, but they should respect it. As for the "liars and cheaters" in the bdsm l/s who just want kink, there's nothing wrong with that as long as both know that's what's happening in the relationship. There isn't a true Master or a true slave. But what's between the couple, is what's real. The connection between the two should be judged, not how they act. This slave doesn't understand the judgmental opinions of "real" Doms or "real" bottoms. Who cares? Why not just let the couple be happy? -s Always the curious one ~ s 13 Jan 10, 7:18 PM EvaMaria US(CA), 3 yrs S - I'm thinking that you might be equating BDSM with O&P here. They're very different things. Here are some links for reading if you're interested. Eva (The property formerly known as Camille ) 26 Jan 10, 12:33 PM 226-332-326 FR, 2 yrs Y! JSubathrt wrote: I'm not sure if this is a good reply here, or on the previous thread that I just finished reading where Raven told folks to be who they are...transparent! I just simply hit reply here....you can take me to task if you'd like... Dave and I have a wonderful M/s relationship that to the outside world looks totally "normal". We own and run a business together, we both do all of the household chores, (in fact he is, as I type, washing the dishes. I cooked tonight, he's cleaning. When he cooks, I clean). I buy my own clothes (with an eye to what he likes because I know what that is after almost 13 years together...and yes....I actually wear clothes every day...), take care of the household responsibilities, clean the cat boxes, take out the trash, etc, etc, etc. If he were typing this reply he would tell you that he buys his own clothes (when he thinks about it), takes care of household responsibilities, cleans the cat boxes, takes out the trash, etc, etc, etc. By any stretch of the imagination we are a pair. When we first met, we often spoke of the players we had met through our walks of life. Those who wanted to play hard in the bedroom, or look good at a BDSM party. I attended a couple of house parties shortly before I met Dave and one of the submissives who also routinely attended those parties had to spend all day Saturday "getting into the right mindset to be able to attend." That made no sense to me. What mindset does one have to "get into" to be a submissive woman? It comes "naturally to me". It's who I am. I don't wear his mark anywhere on my body, I wear his mark on my soul....in the depth of my being. I am his....Thank goodness, we were both old enough and seasoned enough to know what we wanted in a mate when we met, negotiated a contract, began a relationship and then later married. I needed a Master....He needed a slave...I don't speak in the third person. I am only submissive to Dave. Ask any contractor who trys to "take me on" when negotiating a contract who the tough one is. They have walked away giving me exactly what I want, when I want it....and shake their heads in disbelief that it happened. Who's the slave now? . It pleases Dave immensely! I love it! I have spoken more than once about the strength it takes to surrender. I have also spoken about the shear joy and freedom in that surrender. For it is in that surrender that I have found "my" peace, "my" freedom, "my" place in this world. I am being called....I look forward to reading more on this thread! Judy We share the same experience. My Mistress became President of my company. We share a full complicity, but it is final that decides everything. And I am happy to have become his slave and live fully by being well. Today, I can shamelessly display our mutual preference, however, it is true at the beginning, the eyes of others bother me, as the lack of people who do not understand why my Mistress had assumed all powers of decision. In a relationship Mistress / slave, the authenticity requires transparency, so of course the relationship is a total confidence.