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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "New *waves*" 1 2 New *waves* (12) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Thu 9 Jul 09, 7:30 PM tink838 US(NJ), 2 yrs Hello Everyone! I have been lurking for awhile and think it's time to jump in. I have already learned a lot from this board and would love to become a familiar face. My name is L. I'm 24 and engaged to my dom, J. We have been living together for 6 months and are getting married in 4. Lately we have been in the middle of a rough patch. I don't seem to listen, I'm disrespectful at home and in public and I'm not making him happy at all. It's to the point where he says he doesn't want this anymore and that he feels we are living a fake DS relationship. This pains me very much, I get butterflies and feel sick to my stomach. I try very hard not to cry. I desperately want to be good, but no matter what I do I make stupid mistakes that could have easily been avoided and displease him. I don't want to continue on this path. I don't want J to give up on me, or us. Any advice for new subs? Thank you! L Edited Thu 9 Jul 09, 8:41 PM by tink838 9 Jul 09, 11:50 PM SL_precious CA, 3 yrs tink838 wrote: New *waves* I don't seem to listen, I'm disrespectful at home and in public and I'm not making him happy at all. It's to the point where he says he doesn't want this anymore and that he feels we are living a fake DS relationship. being disrespectful is a choice...there is no little rude fairy sitting on your shoulder commanding you to misbehave...you are doing so because you know you can get away with it...at some level it has become acceptable for you to act this way or you wouldn't do it...it is as simple as that...perhaps the first couple of times you were testing him....if he had made it clear that this was unacceptable and he would not tolerate the behaviour, trust me...you wouldn't do it again... Just something to think about....Oh...welcome by the way SL_precious 10 Jul 09, 4:32 AM DuckfinsKitty US(NC), 3 yrs What types of punishments are you two using? Maybe he isnt punishing you enough? "You do not love a Kitten because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her!" His Kitten 184-355-955 10 Jul 09, 1:33 PM tink838 US(NJ), 2 yrs I think that is the problem. No, I KNOW that is the problem. I'm not getting discipline or punished enough. J will get angry with me and let me know how rude and disrespectful I am, but that only makes me act out more because I feel that I can't do any good and that I will never make him happy. It is a vicious cycle for me. I need stronger punishments. I feel bad when I tell him this, and greedy. I don't want to tell him what to do or make him feel like he isn't doing enough for me. When we first began our relationship, we openly discussed how we felt about D&S. We had been friends for years, but never knew this side of one another. It seemed to click perfectly. At first, he would discipline me and give me things to do daily. I felt better emotionally and physically and was very attentive and respectful. Somewhere along the line after we moved in together, he stopped. He said that he wanted to train me, but never did. He mentioned beginning a star chart for me, but never did that either. Same goes for wanting to collar me. That didn't happen. I'm not sure he realizes how much I am let down when he does not follow through. I suppose I know why I act out but I can't seem to stop. =( 10 Jul 09, 2:10 PM SirSeven 3 yrs tink838 wrote: At first, he would discipline me and give me things to do daily. I felt better emotionally and physically and was very attentive and respectful. Somewhere along the line after we moved in together, he stopped. He said that he wanted to train me, but never did. He mentioned beginning a star chart for me, but never did that either. Same goes for wanting to collar me. That didn't happen. I'm not sure he realizes how much I am let down when he does not follow through. What steps have you taken to make him aware of how you are feeling over his lack of follow-through? Is he aware of your need for more training, discipline, etc? Sir Seven 10 Jul 09, 3:58 PM tink838 US(NJ), 2 yrs We talk openly, and I have told him how I feel. He asks me what he can do and when I tell him he tells me that I am being selfish and prove to him daily that I only care about myself. We have a busy life. I know that he is busy between work, the dog and training me. I'm not ignorant to that. But there are also things that I need that he has known from the beginning and all of these things have just stopped. He said that I am too needy, which I suppose is true. I need discipline and punishment. I'm truly afraid of losing him at this point and I don't know what to do. 10 Jul 09, 6:21 PM SirSeven 3 yrs tink838 wrote: We talk openly, and I have told him how I feel. He asks me what he can do and when I tell him he tells me that I am being selfish and prove to him daily that I only care about myself. Talking openly about it with each other is a good start. Why does he feel you are being selfish? Do you think there is any truth to his claim that you are selfish? Acting out and being disrespectful is a sign that you are not getting the attention, discipline, structure that you feel you need. Is it OK for you to be disrespectful? I don't think so because it will only help make an existing (bad) situation worse. Once you've clearly identified his concerns can you make reasonable corrections with your behavior to address these concerns? You can't control another person but you can control your own actions. If you take steps to address his concerns then perhaps he will reciprocate by looking at how he is contributing to this situation. Hopefully he will recognize your efforts and in turn give you more of the attention and discipline you need. It takes both of you to make the situation right. Are you doing everything in your power to fix this? If you've done everything you can to correct things and he still shows no interest or effort ... then you've got a separate issue that needs to be dealt with. Sir Seven 10 Jul 09, 6:24 PM Cor_Cordis 2 yrs Being disrespectful is a choice, yes. It's a choice we can't take responsibility for because our reactions are affected by the actions (or lack thereof) of others subconsciously. Don't be so hard on yourself. You realize what you could lose, which is your relationship with J. That's the impending punishment if your choice is not reversed, but I'm confident it will be. Call an optimist, she's turning blue while I just sit and stare at you. Edited 10 Jul 09, 6:25 PM by Cor_Cordis 10 Jul 09, 6:34 PM tink838 US(NJ), 2 yrs I haven't done everything in my power recently (being a rude little brat), but I desperately want to be good and will try my absolute hardest. I know what is at stake if I don't. It's never okay to be disrespectful towards J, or anyone really. I certainly do not want to continue down this path. Thank you all so much for your words. L 12 Jul 09, 8:24 AM Lord_Of_Atonement US, 2 yrs Aside from being your Master, J obviously seems to love you. This can be hard as it may get in the way of him punishing you the way he should if you happen to make a mistake. At the same time he must realize there will be times when you're not perfect (none of us are.) Ultimately with all problems, there's always 2 sides to the table. You on one hand must try harder not to displease him, and he on the other hand must either be more understanding or more willing to show discipline (even if he must be the bad guy for a few hours.) I hope everything works out well for the both of you. 13 Jul 09, 2:09 AM Ou_pais US, 5 yrs It can be really really hard to feel that there's not enough training or enough discipline, that we're stuck enslaving ourselves from the bottom. Still, even when it's hard, i think we *are* still responsible for our own actions. Maybe sometimes we need help, yes. But it doesn't necessarily mean our owners are obligated to help us in the way we *want* to be helped. So for me, maybe some of the training or discipline i might want i'm *never* going to get, because that's just not the way Master does things. On the other hand, i have figured out some ways of needing those types of things less, mainly by focusing on what's really important which is what He wants. It's much harder in the areas when i *know* He'd rather have the time and energy to mold me in a certain direction and He just can't for external reasons. Now i'm not saying that i'm a perfect slave, and i do make mistakes and i do disappoint Him. Sometimes my attitude could be better, for sure, especially when i'm tired and stressed. He lets me know when i mess up. But then it's my responsibility to try harder, because He's not going to punish me. He doesn't want to, and for me being a slave is not about making Him do things He doesn't feel like doing. So--perhaps the answer is finding a way that your master can help you change your behavior that is enjoyable or compelling enough for him to make the effort to do it? Also, if you feel like you "need" punishment, can you figure out what it is about it that you feel you need? Then you might be able to figure out a way to get that without needing the actual punishment. For example, i need to feel that i've properly atoned & been forgiven, and over time i've been able to internalize Master's standards of "this is over" even if it didn't feel over to me. Others might need the emotional catharsis, which they might be able to get in other ways that are not specifically punishment. Et cetera. For some reason i thought Raven had written something about the different reasons people feel they need punishment, but i can't find it quickly searching. Good luck! pais Next page