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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "please advise" please advise (5) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Tue 30 Jun 09, 7:56 PM subsara US(OH), 2 yrs my last relationship was extremely abusive..to the extent that I have had a protection order for the the last 7 yrs...and moved 4 times... in my current relationship...he obviously knows of the past relationship...and has seen me thru..nightmares..court hearings..everything... I have for as long as I have been able to put a name to it...been into bdsm...my last relationship...he was just abuse obviously...not a D/s or a M/s relationship... my current boyfriend and I live together and have for 7 yrs....I brought into the relationship my desire to be submissive and we have been growing and learn together and it is wonderful...he is wonderful.. we do have all the dynamics of a great D/s relationship..atleast my picture of one... but sometimes I think that he is afraid of crossing over to the abuse side...he knows ..that I will never go thru that again and would leave if it ever became that way with him... he does not strike or punish in anger or anything like that...which is defiantly a good thing... but when we are playing I can take more but I think he thinks sometimes that he is hurting me or that I am not liking some of the things or that maybe he is crossing a line...it's like he is holding back...there for I am too...if any of this makes sense... and I think that he thinks it's ok to do things when it is in a sexual aspect or play..but not for everyday...or just because he can...and is the Dom and that is what he wants... how do I convey to him that I am ok...to get past this... I tell him I love it...we send wicked messages thru out the day..and I will say how hot something was and thank him...to make him know I am ok... so I am at a loss at what else to do...he knows that I trust him and know that he would never hurt me or be like the one before him...I have told him numerous times... so I guess how do I get him to be rougher..more intense..to step beyond this boundary we seem to have...without taking his dominancy away or topping from the bottom... thanks all for reading my book here and for any replies... subsara 30 Jun 09, 9:14 PM slave_of_The_Tesh US(FL), 2 yrs I've been there. The recovery after an abusive relationship takes time and it's probably scaring him to think that he might hurt you and lose you because of it. The only way to get it to change is to talk to him about it. I would suggest telling him to assume that you're okay with it unless you tell him otherwise, and establishing away for him to know when you aren't. It can get aggravating for him to keep pausing to check on you, and I'm sure neither of you wants to push too far. Safe words are practically a must in this lifestyle anyway. If it's a non-sexual control thing, make sure the both of you keep communication open. If something is going to cause a problem for you, he needs to know that. Also, you may want to remind him that you aren't going to leave if he accidentally hurts you too much. If you know and trust that he would never intentionally abuse you, then you need to make sure he understands that a fluke is a fluke and you're not going to just jump ship because of it. Don't consider the initial talking about it as "taking away his dominance" or "topping from the bottom." In this instance, you're just getting started. There is nothing wrong with telling him that he can do more, but if you keep hindering yourself from talking about it, chances are you'll both end up unsatisfied. Owned by The_Tesh This post has probably been edited for spelling/grammar because I'm weird like that. 1 Jul 09, 12:52 AM Ou_pais US, 5 yrs The reply above sounds good to me; i would add that there might be other reasons he's holding back, and asking about that might be helpful. And, telling him in so many words that you don't want to go faster than *he's* comfortable and don't want to top from the bottom might also really drive home that you're ready to go faster without making him feel pressured (or it might not. who knows?) As someone who has been in that "why is he holding back?" place, i also completely sympathize. In that case (with an ex), he held back more and more over time, and for so long that i stopped seeing him that way, and when he changed his mind and tried to take control again it was pretty disastrous! It doesn't sound like that's what's going on with you though; i hope you're able to resolve this without disaster! pais 1 Jul 09, 9:50 AM Squeak US(TX), 3 yrs Hun, it is all about communication.. You 2 need to talk and alot! Establish boundaries. The link between Sub and Dom is also one of love. Submission is the most beautiful expression of love. 1 Jul 09, 12:27 PM Calliope US, 3 yrs I think it comes down to the difference between "hurt" vs "harm", the first being part of BDSM & the latter being abuse. My Master loves me dearly and struggles with why does he want to hurt me, & I struggle with admitting to myself why I need it. Both of us are new to the lifestyle & we are still trying to comprehend some of these aspects. But he would never want to harm me, strike out of anger or malice. We've also had the talk about it seeming as abuse & He's afraid I'll leave if I perceive that as being the case. Your Master is probably afraid of flipping a trigger in you that would have you flashback to the abuse. Maybe encourage him to read these boards, there are other posts from some Masters that might reassure him. I have also reassured my Master about understanding if he accidentally goes too far, and if that happens be sure to talk openly about it. He does continually monitor body language for signs of distress that it's gone too far, & as others have said communication & the safe word is important especially for your situation. Good luck, Calli 1 Jul 09, 2:31 PM subsara US(OH), 2 yrs Thank you all for you words of advice... We do communicate alot...that is one of the many great parts of our relationship...but for some reason...I find myself clamming up on this issue it is like the one that gets swept under the rug..so to speak. I am going to get over my own issues and bring this to the table and get it all out. I do not want this to end up messing up a great relationship. I had not thought about the resentment or problems that letting this go could cause. I had been thinking that time was best. I do still think that but obviously with me asking the question here to try and get answers, I know that is not all that we need. thank you all again subsara