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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Sub to Domme?" 1 2 Sub to Domme? (18) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. 4 Jul 09, 8:18 AM kaitlyn 4 yrs I agree completely. Learning from someone would be ideal, unfortunately it's not really in the cards right now. That's why I've been doing a lot of research and chatting on TSR. lol. And so far it's been an interesting switch. I'm definitely learning quickly to take charge and it's odd because it's affected my life as well which I did not necessarily expect. I'm more observant and decisive, obviously, but I'm also more organized and even punctual. Thanks to everyone! The memos have been awesome too and I am completely open to more suggestions Kait 6 Jul 09, 6:10 AM kaitlyn 4 yrs Ok, so I am with this girl and we are in a D/s relationship. So my question is, will it completely undermine my authority if I tell her I expect her to give me honest feedback on any rules I make? I want to make sure I'm not pushing her too far or too fast. But she's asked me for more rules. So, at the same time I don't want to go too slowly. Also, I'm kinda worried I'm gunna forget some of my own rules if I make too many. I think she might be jumping in too quickly and she is later going to wish we had taken it slower. I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her a little restrained so we don't end up in that situation. Does any of this make sense? lol. Kaitlyn 6 Jul 09, 9:40 AM SeanT70 9 yrs kaitlyn wrote: Ok, so I am with this girl and we are in a D/s relationship. So my question is, will it completely undermine my authority if I tell her I expect her to give me honest feedback on any rules I make? No, it won't undermine your authority in that sense; feedback is good, kait. Sometimes though, giving away the ability to have what you say questioned, can undermine 'yourself' (did I do that right?; am I doing the right thing?) I want to make sure I'm not pushing her too far or too fast. But she's asked me for more rules. So, at the same time I don't want to go too slowly. It's always odd how subs in new relationships ask for more and more rules; ya wonder if they're gonna cope or get lazy and wait for them to come back to ya with complaints of some sort. Of course, ya need to find an even keel that means ya not going too fast or too slowly, which takes time to assess. Don't be hard on yaself if ya don't get it right all the time; ya only human, after all - contrary to the misguided opinion that an an M, you have to get everything right all the time, ever. Also, I'm kinda worried I'm gunna forget some of my own rules if I make too many. I think she might be jumping in too quickly and she is later going to wish we had taken it slower. I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her a little restrained so we don't end up in that situation. Does any of this make sense? lol. Absolutely, remember, she can be invited to talk about a rule that you make, or even ask for a rule to be considered, but really she shouldn't assume that something's going to happen at all. It 'is' your responsibility to keep her restrained from running off ahead and wishing it went slower later, and you seem to have a grip on that. Make a list of your rules, so that you can refer to them if you need to in an instant, but also remember that they are your rules, not hers if she questions them. Review them in time to see if they all still apply. Above all, for now kait, enjoy your new found dominance Regards, Sean. Lovingly Owned by *~ LadyPhay ~* 6 Jul 09, 10:32 AM thegildedlili 3 yrs In relation to rules, I would simply suggest that you set rules and guidelines based around your preferences, as opposed to having rules for the sake of them (not suggesting you would). If the rules focus on the way you like things done/the behaviour you expect from your sub, you're less likely to forget them, since you'll notice if something doesn't get done the way you like it, or if she behaves in a way that you don't find appropriate or pleasing, for example. As you would know yourself, it's an evolutionary process, and the best place to start is with the most obvious things, or things that are most important to be, such as how she should address and communicate with you. i have no need, for such things, but to make you happy... Josh Pyke 6 Jul 09, 3:08 PM SirSeven 3 yrs kaitlyn wrote: So my question is, will it completely undermine my authority if I tell her I expect her to give me honest feedback on any rules I make? My advice would be to approach this with caution. Communication and feedback are a good thing, of course, but it needs to be properly managed. I would avoid setting a tone that you allow feedback every time you give a command or issue a new rule. I've seen "feedback" before that was really just arguing and/or passive-aggressiveness. This could easily turn into a topping from the bottom situation if you aren't careful. I do allow the sub/slave the opportunity to communicate concerns or other issues at predetermined times, say once a week or so. Having them keep a journal where they document their thoughts and any concerns for later discussion might also be helpful. My rules are not open for debate and I wouldn't want my sub/slave thinking they can give feedback at any time they choose, unless it's a matter of life and death. Hope this helps. Sir Seven 6 Jul 09, 3:59 PM ravenkaldera US(MA), 6 yrs When a sub asks for more rules, the first thing I ask is: Are you doing the rules I already set perfectly? I'm going to watch you do these rules for two weeks, or a month, and if you never fuck up, then you'll get more rules. But if you just give her more rules to humor her, shut her up, or please her, you're not being in charge. To be in charge in that situation is to say, "Is this necessary? I don't think so. And what I say goes, so you'll have to wait." Subs often get excited at the idea of a lot of rules, and overestimate their ability to adapt. It's better to start slow and let them internalize a few rules, and build up little by little. I let a sub know, in the very early days of the relationship, that they're "earning" more rules by proving to me that they can handle the ones I've given them. I've done the opposite and had bad results. (One of the places where this is reflected wonderfully was in our readings about monasticism - monks begging the abbot for more austerities, and the abbot saying, "Are you doing the ones you've got now with a perfect attitude?") You'll also find, as a dominant, that subs often want to go faster than the dominant, sometimes faster than it's practical to go. Figuring out how fast it's practical to go, and keeping it at that pace, even in the face of their pleading, is *your job now*. Yup. Welcome to the other side. Not so easy, huh? (grin) As to feedback, here's what I do: My boy is absolutely allowed to give me feedback on my rules, but only: a) when I ask for it b) ...except when there's an emergency (parameters of that situation to be determined ahead of time by me) c) in a way that emphasizes that we are a team and is not adversarial d) not in public e) in a respectful tone of voice. Who determines if it's respectful enough? Why, me, of course. If it's not, I say, "Rephrase that, please." Practice saying that in a calm, level tone of voice - "Rephrase that, please." Someday you may have to do that when you're really pissed. Your job when given feedback is to judge it as neutrally as possible. Make sure that the sub knows that you *could ignore it*, and that every time you take their advice on changing a rule, it's your decision to alter your rule on the basis on new information, not them changing your rules. Hope this helps, -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 6 Jul 09, 6:48 PM kaitlyn 4 yrs Thanks so much and yes, there's a lot of work that goes into Dominance which you just can't see from the submissive side. I always knew the D type did a different kind of "work" than I did per say, but I had no idea the amount of thought that's put into it. It's been eye opening to say the least. So far I've instated a number of rules. No underwear - which I put into place because she is not collared by me and I want her to remember her place, and because that's something simple no one will notice at her work or when she's out and about. No masturbation without my permission - I want her to know that I control her pleasure and if she's misbehaved then it's just not going to happen. No sitting on the furniture without permission if I'm around - we live separately so I kept that rule dependent on my being there. Not gunna lie though this one is kinda self serving. I just love seeing her at my feet. Also, she must always be respectful, call me Ma'am or Miss Kaitlyn, we're going to talk every day - email, aim, text, phone call, in person is a my discretion (although she's allowed to make a request and i'll consider it). I did decide to get her feedback. Her response was that she didn't want to top from the bottom and was not sure she was comfortable giving me feedback. I told her I understood her concerns but that when I ask her for her feedback on something I expect a complete, honest answer. I said that that does not mean I will necessarily change anything, what it does is give me the tools to become a more effective Domme and to understand her thought process better, but that she is always to be respectful and is only to give me feedback when I ask for it or when she considers it truly important - whether or not it is important will be at my discretion. Since I got a "Yes Ma'am" instead of more conversation I think it went alright. lol i hope anyway. 7 Jul 09, 9:28 PM jimboy NZ, 2 yrs i was a slave for about 4 years ,till onday my master wityh out reason threw me out ..i almost took my life ..but a familly friend took me in and sent me to hypnosis counciling and slowly my perseption change now i class my self as a switch ..as i still love being contrlled ,but with the right person ,can take contrl without any problem .but havinf a view of the other side i feel i am a good master.. but see go where you heart is jim boy