14 Jun 09, 12:57 PM
SeanT70
9 yrs
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That's not quite as big a problem as it sounds from what I can read; unless I've gathered completely the wrong end of the stick, my re-iteration of it is this;
Even though you're dominant by personality, you kinda have some submissive tendancies creeping in from your previous marriage (I might have that slightly about face, but then you would still be in it after all, and I left mine for some of a similar reason too..)
And the problems you're having now are..
1. How to instill you're own brand of dominance in your house.
2. The brother.
3. Illness (I say that because this somehow seems pivotal in the discussion to me)
OK, now, like you were asked...how do you want it in 'your house'?; see, thing is, it seems to me that the submissive moments you mentioned are being used to your detriment, and in fact, ultimately, working against what your husband (and I guess the brother if we factor him in for a second, being nice) 'says' he wants..right?
Wrong; and I'll tell ya why. Simply because him telling you you're not being harsh enough, and you're mention of the brother running around after you like a puppy suggests these guys are allowed to get off on it, and ultimately, they have control of the situation - not you.
From 'my' angle, there are plenty of things I'd like to happen to me, or for me to be told to do, but I live in Phay's house, and I'll be lucky if once in a blue moon they happen, because she's not a fan of that stuff - which, by the way, I'm gonna guess that if ya actually did what they asked, they'd not like it much.
For you to take a dominant angle of what they want, what ya need to do is..if ya husband says ya not being harsh enough with him (punishment wise) and he expects to be, say, tied to the bed and spanked blindfold, because 'he's not in control of the action at the time', then tie him to that very bed, but wank him with a handful of stinging nettles instead (only example, ya understand - did I mention I was a sadist?), but because you're in full control of what's going on in the scene.
In having read this OP, we presume there's consent within your relationship to ownership and dominance, so your actions should be tolerated, just as easily as he'd expect you to not tolerate his (if he was out of line)
You talk of 'the only structure being from when you raised kids', yeah well, I have news for ya, I dunno what other people here think, but farming a slave can become exactly like looking after a kid, if not worse at times - I know, I am one of the least compliant slaves (outside normal service) on the planet (rambunctious, and loved for it), and what I'm saying to you is if that's what 'you're' used to, and happy to do, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a structure based on that, if that's what you want, How your husband/sub/slave wants you to do it is neither here nor there. If he's your slave, he certainly doesn't have the right to tell you how as I've explained, once you've discussed limits, and abilities (which I'm sure you know, being married, like)
The thing is, if ya don't want any particular structure at all; by that, I mean, you wanna live as a 'nilla Domme, then I guess that's pretty much tough for him (them). They will still have to like it, or..leave. As you said, you have the dominant personality.
As for the brother, you don't talk about the inheritance side of him, but it seemed to me (without prior knowledge) that they kinda came as a package, which I guess isn't a bad thing if your husband has physical problems (less for you to do); the striking thing that gets me is that he's 'waiting on you'; what exactly does 'he' expect to gain from it? Is he just doing it because he wants to, doing it out of gratitude because he's there, or is he 'playing submissive'?
The reason I put it like that - 'playing submissive' is because if you told him to stop, and said to him that the only jobs he could ever do for you were related to caring for his own brother, and yard work, and shopping and...anything other than personally related to you, he wouldn't be quite so pleased.
It's because in doing what he's doing, the brother is caught up in his own little fantasy world, and spends half (if not more) of his day with a semi-hard on; That's a fact that I know about in that 'fantasy' situation, because I've been in it myself.
It doesn't mean he can't be there and serve you as a second slave (and no, I haven't forgotten the guy is your husband's brother - nowt wrong with having a second, and non-sexual slave, is there - if you're faithful to your husband, unless you go into a 'poly'-style set-up: *before anyone jumps on me for that, I have reasons for saying this, so please ask, rather than using said feet!*), but what simply must happen is that if that's what you want, then he might need training into the way you want things done too.
You can do all this easily by fixing a schedule, and working out what things you want done by who and when; I know your husband has physical issues which can make life complicated (I have Cerebral Palsy, so can empathise), remembering the whole time that the one in charge is you.
I can see where your husband's coming from, sometimes people go easy when someone has disability, and that can affect self-esteem, because they have nothing to fight against or for; give him tasks that are very much do-able, but challenge him; if you know him well enough, you'll know what they are.
Most of all, what you should think about, is giving yourself time to get things right, and allow time for him (them) to get how you want things done around you; I dare say he'd (they'd) think there will be punishments etc for if he (they) get(s) stuff wrong or don't do 'this, that and the other' to spec, but he (they) have to remember that it's your house, and you have to decide on things like that.
The hardest part for him (them), is to respect what you're doing and not top you out.
The trouble is, it's very easy to say (and mean, I suppose) 'Right, I'm gonna be Mistress Stern and do things like this, always', but, once you've set out and everything's running smoothly - a newsflash comes on; it is bloody, bloody hard maintaining a relationship in it's original form (especially in and M/s or D/s relationship I think), and I don't think anyone here would suggest that today, they still have 'all' the aspects in their relationship that they did back then.
(I'm talking leather-clad super-bitch format, lol; stiff corsets, whips amok! *I am kidding btw, people?*)
Seriously, what I'm saying is whatever you set out to do, no matter how intentioned, wil soften, change and evolve over time, whether you want it to or not; you'll find the need to go back and look at it (with or without him) and see if there's anything that needs changing for the better.
All in all, be a bit kinder to yaself, because it's an ongoing learning process that changes over time; you simply can't and won't get everything right (and you'll all probably get most of it wrong) in the beginning, but just look at it, go back, and try again - practice makes perfect..or tries to.
Apologies to all for length of post 
Any questions, feel free to memo or post here.
Regards,
Sean. Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~
Edited 14 Jun 09, 1:12 PM by SeanT70
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25 Jul 09, 2:01 PM
Lady_J
US(CA), 2 yrs
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Mistress_Mynx wrote:
Hi thanks for your help this has given me some things to think about especially about his brother I'm going to have to figure something out I inherited my brother in law because he is mildly retarded to from my perspective I can't include him it feels to much like cheating and also like taking advantage of a child.
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Hi there, I am new to this also, and even though my relationship is online, I feel like a couple of my ideas might be relevant to your live in relationship. First I would say, that writing everything down and makings lists helps. Read through forum threads, and take out bits from there. I have a folder on my computer with a document called lists and ideas, a document called samples of rules, a document called O/our rules. I just finished O/our contract and sent him a copy last night. I worked on this for weeks, and our rules too. I have gotten some good tips from reading both the online forums, and the 24/7 forums.
Since your life is in transition and turmoil right now, you can take control of hubby in stages, rather than all at once. Obviously, take control of him sexually, tell him he's not allowed to climax until you give permission, tell him what you expect done for you sexually, arrange for certain times when brother either goes out, or someone else takes him out, depending on his level of retardation. Of course, put a lock on your bedroom. Then in stages, take control of what hubby is allowed to wear, give him tasks, like cooking dinner, doing laundry, as was mentioned, tasks that he can do, but will challenge him to have to learn new skills, push himself a little harder, etc.
Make a list, in your head, on your computer, of ways you can punish him, so when he messes up you have ideas at the ready, whether its beating or flogging, him making him kneel and stare at the wall for hours, whether he has to sleep on the floor, or whether you deny him climaxes for a certain number of days, and so on.
Eventually, you should be able to come up with a list of rules, by reading forum threads about other people's rules, taking what you like, and adding to your list in your computer. Tell him you reserve the right to change the rules at any time, so you don't have to get it perfect right now.
I also have spelled out in my contract what my boy's responsibilities are, what Mine are, and our restrictions. There are places around here, either on this site, or links from this site, where you can see sample contracts, and that can get you started. I would share mine, but I'm not sure how to post it on here for people to see. Some of the sample contracts I have looked at, my boy found for me, and emailed me their links. You can certainly make a list of rules and tasks for the brother in law, not to take him on as another slave, but just to say, if you live here you have to contribute.
Anyway, to summarize, take some breaths, start some lists in your computer, start putting thoughts down, and take control of chunks of things if you can't get it all at once. And get a lock on your bedroom door.
Hope this helps, Lady J
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