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	TSR : Web boards : M/s and D/s : "Oh, for the love of...two" Oh, for the love of...two (9) Wed 10 Jun 09, 4:14 AM hadrian US, 14 mths I'm in the weirdest relationship dynamic I've ever been in, and I need help. I have, repeatedly, attempted to break up with my girlfriend of two years because she's a bit of a distance away and we can only see each other about once, maybe twice a month. Every time she insists she doesn't want to be without me, every time I insist that this isn't going to change, I'm going to continue to be unhappy as long as she's not physically close to me (life, at the moment, is the barrier. She's got college to finish). I love her, and every time I break things off I'm flip-flopping inside, but she breaks first. I've been acting out of the mindset that it's unfair to keep her in the relationship when I can't be monogamous. As of our last episode, I put it to her as clearly as possible: you need to make a choice. Go, learn to stand on your own, you're intelligent and perfectly capable of it. It's that, or you accept that you will share my love. Maybe that won't happen, but I am not promising that. Your choice is between going, or staying and sharing. I stated it that way because I'm visiting another friend who I love very much, who loves me in return, but with whom I have no relationship beyond friendship. This friend has submissive tendencies, but she's got 5 years on me and is more clear-headed in regards to relationships, and doesn't want to commit to anything unless we conclude that things could work out on a practical level. My ex knows about her, and I talked things out plain as day in that regard--maybe things won't work with this new relationship. Maybe they will and I'll be told to choose. Maybe they'll work all the way around and this will become a relationship of three people. I asked, can you love her, knowing I love her? Would you support her if I wasn't around? Would you be willing to share me and share my love? She said she would, and I believe her. However, as my sub, I'm going to make it one of her responsibilities to write out her thoughts on the relationship every week, so that I can get an idea for how she feels about it as time progresses. Her other, immediate responsibility is to compose a letter to my friend. This letter will be hand-written and sealed, and I will give it to my friend when explaining the situation. I will not view the contents. Let that unfold as it may. For the most part, I have the expectation that my friend will not wish for anything more upon reading it, but I'd like to get everything out in the open. My ex accepted these terms. She submitted, and effectively agreed that in doing so, she is my 24/7 sub. She is not my slave, because I want her to have the choice to leave, should things change for her, even if this does not become a polyamorous relationship. However, she did express the possibility of becoming my slave if she feels comfortable in her role as a submissive. It seems like she's doing this to win me back, not out of an honest desire to be in a poly relationship. In other words, she'd rather have the relationship she doesn't quite want, than lose me. On the one hand I feel like she's always been naturally submissive and now she's submitting to me on this point. I've told her that above all, I want her to be fulfilled in the relationship if she stays in it. Does that even sound possible? Am I being young and stupid? Am I handling this poorly? Should I recant, hold the hard line, and force my sub to cut off communication with me? Should I have push her to go stumble and fall and get up on her own? I don't trust my own judgment at the moment. Outside viewpoints are much appreciated. 10 Jun 09, 5:08 AM pyroaquatic 3 yrs Do all of the parts in this triangle have the strength and endurance to stand? It reads to me like all three of you are sane and level headed. You obviously care for both people... but do you care for yourself? As the dominant you will have to hold two leashes... two hearts plus your own. Do you have the emotional dexterity to juggle those beating, pulsating, quivering things? If one of them drops how quickly can you dust it off and begin the juggling again? Will it murmur and die as it hits the ground or will it beat away? I know I have asked more questions than I have answered. There are two other sides of the story I have not heard, so I am making a judgment based off of incomplete information. You are making the necessary precautions to make sure it does work. The care is there. You are no puppeteer however. You can only pull your own stings. Love is complex enough with two, let alone three. Good Luck. 10 Jun 09, 11:42 AM Calliope US, 15 mths Something isn't quite jiving with the OP. I'm wondering if you're being honest with yourself. You say the main reason you want to break up with your gf is due to the distance, then you say you're *visiting* someone new. How far away is she? Maybe what's really going on is that you're too young/not ready to make a commitment to one person, which is fine, just be honest about it. When you're truly in love, monogomy is not hard to do, nor is waiting for the time to be right to be able to live together (or at least in the same zip code). College as a life barrier doesn't fly, it's a drop of water in our long life journey. I think maybe a clean break up is the way to go; let her focus on her studies instead of writing a daily assignment to you, as it looks like you'll not be a permanent fixture in her life & she'll need to be able to be independent. 10 Jun 09, 12:29 PM 333-528-841 CA, 18 mths You stated in a post three days ago that it was unlikely that either of these two ladies would entertain a poly relationship. Has this changed in the past few days or is this something you are hoping for? You could be right that your ex may be agreeing to things in order to keep the relationship going. Is your other friend aware of your ex and what is going on between you? Do you think it is fair to involve your friend in your other relationship when you may be looking to start a new one with her? Being apart physically can be very hard. My work takes me 8 hrs away from Master for two weeks at a time. It can be very difficult but we love each other and so do what we have to do. It can be done. We keep in contact throughout the day by text, phone and computer. When my days off arrive, I am home where I belong, to Master, as fast as I can get there. We know it will not be forever and our love and trust is strong enough to get us through it. Sometimes it feels like we are apart forever but there is always going home to look forward to and makes our time together all that more special. Think very hard about what you really need and want. If your ex has submissive tendencies, you could introduce a D/s dynamic slowly to her. If you really love each other, remember that college will not last forever and you will have years ahead with each other that will make the wait worthwhile. All the best to both of you. 333-528-841 10 Jun 09, 6:40 PM hadrian US, 14 mths I have a habit of posting these things as soon as they cross my mind, which is both good and bad. I'm still mulling over the situation, but I appreciate the responses. I agree with PT that I'm too weak to act as a poly Dom; right now it's just a matter of coming to a decision. 10 Jun 09, 8:17 PM Kay_kay US(NY), 15 mths Not to be mean but, a little late on the coming to a decision bit. You already committed Yourself the minute You said she could be Your sub and You already gave her an order in regards to Your other sub whom You already committed Yourself to with the promise of a visit and the arrangement of a ritual. You are now in a mess and You're gonna hurt someone. You even agree that Your ex is promising You things just to stay in a relationship...well those kinds of promises don't last. If it's not something she really wants, she won't keep the promises. If You read the poly section, You will see that poly relationships are difficult even for experienced Dominents and even for sumbissives that want a poly relationship. You're pushing two women who don't want a poly relationship into a poly relationship and, as was asked before, does the other submissive even know about how far You've progressed with Your ex? Does she even know You were seriously considering this? How do You think she's going to respond when You say...oh btw, last night, I was talkign to my ex and now you and her are sister submissives? Do they even know each other? That is now going to be a very difficult meeting as You don't seem to have really made sure everyone was on the same page before You committed Yourself to a second submissive. So, yes, You better make some decisions really damn fast and stick to them this time. If You can't stick to a decision even in the face of a woman crying then You need to look for another lifestyle. I/i'm sure lots of Dominents here can tell You that it is very very hard to stick to a decision that They know is best for the submissve when the submissive is crying and hurting and not liking it. However, it HAS to be done. You want to be Master, then be Master and stop being manipulated by tears and promises that You admit that You know are false promises. And no more using the I don't want to hurt her excuse. You are now past that, someone is going to get hurt at this point especially now that You've admitted You can't be a poly Dom and one of the girls has got to go (which it would have been nice for You to make that decision before giving the ex the instructions on writing a letter since consistency is also a requirement of a good Master..changing a mind is fine but flip flopping repeatedly...well that just leads to a confused submissive who will lose trust in Your decisions and words) Edited 10 Jun 09, 10:47 PM by Kay_kay 10 Jun 09, 9:37 PM CinnamonCain US, 14 mths Calliope wrote: Something isn't quite jiving with the OP. I'm wondering if you're being honest with yourself. You say the main reason you want to break up with your gf is due to the distance, then you say you're *visiting* someone new. How far away is she? Yes. This. 10 Jun 09, 10:21 PM thegildedlili AU, 19 mths Y! My advice would be to get one relationship established and functioning cohesively before you even think about adding a third, because from the way you've described them, neither of the relationships you have with these two women is anywhere near even approaching either of those things. One girl seems like she will do anything to keep you, and the other doesn't really seem to know what she is agreeing to. Have either of you actually thought about what 24/7 means? It means you make *every* single decison on her behalf, a relative impossibility in a long distance relationship, and now you are going to try and do that with *two* women? As someone else said, even the most experienced doms struggle with the pressure placed on them by poly, and yet you, new to the lifestyle by your own admission, are trying to juggle two people who don't even seem to know what they themselves want. Have you actually considered the implications of having three people in a relationship? the responsibility that you will be faced with? I have to say, it does seem a little selfish of you, and I think you are thinking of the benefits as opposed to the challenges. It's not all threesomes you know! I suggest learning to walk before you try to run, it seems obvious to me that sooner or later people are going to get hurt. i have no need, for such things, but to make you happy... Josh Pyke Edited 10 Jun 09, 10:22 PM by thegildedlili 11 Jun 09, 3:20 AM pyroaquatic 3 yrs Can you deal with your feelings or will they send you reeling? Quite contrived with the jive, I know. 12 Jun 09, 12:10 AM Johnnypa US(PA), 20 mths Hadrian, it seems you are in pretty deep already, and the previous posters have nailed you on that, but even so I haven't seen any discussion of poly variations. Yes, a triad is one solution, but as others point out, it is extremely difficult for all, including you. Triad, all three relate to one another, requiring the women to become sisters in submission. Yikes very tough indeed. Another choice is a poly vee: you relate separately with each of the women, who certainly know each other but don't really relate to each other. Of course it only works when everyone is on board and informed, and probably not all living in the same space. Tough when both wanna be 24/7 but that doesn't sound like the case here anyway. Vees can be stable for a long time, provided the dom can behave with integrity and consistency, truly runs the show, and sets loving boundaries for all. Older folks (30s +) with real life experience seem to do best with it, takes practice, of course YMMV.