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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "how do you cope?" 1 2 how do you cope? (16) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Tue 9 Jun 09, 8:11 PM auralian US(TX), 3 yrs Y! ok, so not entirely sure where this belongs, but i figure here is a good start. .. if it's the wrong spot i apologize. Little bit of info on why i'm asking this. i wasnt always in the D/s M/s lifestyle. was married to an abusive man for 9yrs and have been divorced about 5yrs. Now, i discovered my nature about 7yrs ago due to a friend who seemed to understand why i was doing what i was doing and staying in a horrible marriage even though i knew it wasn't best for me and the kids. Considering what i went through i was terrified at realizing i was a submissive and denied it. Until last year i had completely ignored my nature and been basically miserable without realizing why. did some light research and lots of questions and discovered i don't have to have that same fear anymore, i don't know if i grew emotionally or what.. but there i was, eager to learn again and discover and become more of what i know i am. Now on to the point, i had a Dom who is one of the most wonderful of all People and i still smile when i think of Him but he insists on living a Poly lifestyle. which i don't see anything wrong with in the correct context but He knew my fears and insecurities and never could quite explain -why- i shouldn't feel that way. Only reason He could ever give was that i didn't need to worry about it. i have a problem with that though, i now understand that i won't be able to live in a poly house, even though i loved His other girl to death and saw how she fit in, i just couldn't fit in myself. For lack of a better phrase i felt like a third wheel with most of the spokes missing in that House. So, if Y/you are living in a Poly House, how do you deal with day to day issues, jealousies and whatnot, and how do you deal with leaving and the want to return to it just because you feel lost, alone without the direction that was once given? Thank Y/you all in advance, i think this will greatly help me understand something thats been on my mind alot here lately. 9 Jun 09, 8:33 PM 660-184-352 US(AK), 2 yrs Y! auralian wrote: how do you cope? ok, so not entirely sure where this belongs, but i figure here is a good start. .. if it's the wrong spot i apologize. Little bit of info on why i'm asking this. i wasnt always in the D/s M/s lifestyle. was married to an abusive man for 9yrs and have been divorced about 5yrs. Now, i discovered my nature about 7yrs ago due to a friend who seemed to understand why i was doing what i was doing and staying in a horrible marriage even though i knew it wasn't best for me and the kids. Considering what i went through i was terrified at realizing i was a submissive and denied it. Until last year i had completely ignored my nature and been basically miserable without realizing why. did some light research and lots of questions and discovered i don't have to have that same fear anymore, i don't know if i grew emotionally or what.. but there i was, eager to learn again and discover and become more of what i know i am. Now on to the point, i had a Dom who is one of the most wonderful of all People and i still smile when i think of Him but he insists on living a Poly lifestyle. which i don't see anything wrong with in the correct context but He knew my fears and insecurities and never could quite explain -why- i shouldn't feel that way. Only reason He could ever give was that i didn't need to worry about it. i have a problem with that though, i now understand that i won't be able to live in a poly house, even though i loved His other girl to death and saw how she fit in, i just couldn't fit in myself. For lack of a better phrase i felt like a third wheel with most of the spokes missing in that House. So, if Y/you are living in a Poly House, how do you deal with day to day issues, jealousies and whatnot, and how do you deal with leaving and the want to return to it just because you feel lost, alone without the direction that was once given? Thank Y/you all in advance, i think this will greatly help me understand something thats been on my mind alot here lately. First off, poly isn't for E/everyone. That being said, how does O/one handle day to day life in a poly household? 1. It doesn't hurt to be bi-sexual 2. Life is about angles. Its only a problem until you look at it from the right angle. Stop looking at it as a competition and start looking at poly as a chance to be loved, cherished, protected, sexed up by another person. 3. poly isn't about taking away, its about adding to your life. Thats it for starters, oh and lets not forget ... a true belief in karma Edited 9 Jun 09, 8:34 PM by 660-184-352 9 Jun 09, 9:04 PM auralian US(TX), 3 yrs Y! Maybe thats where it went wrong. He wasn't expecting us to have any sexual contact seeing as neither of us were bi to begin with. she and i are just great friends. each of us had our own needs and different things to offer to Him. worked out great for Him but... me? i literally felt insignificant. she truly needs Him in deeper ways i think than what He was able to do for me. i don't know. To me... being in a D/s relationship isn't all about the sex. the feeling of belonging and being pleasing no matter what the situation is, (though i'm not knocking the sex, don't get me wrong *laughs*) it's about doing everything i possibly can to learn and grow more as a sub to be more pleasing to my Dom/Master, no matter what He wishes. And when He began to understand that i was unhappy He sat me down and had to drag it out of me that i was having issues with poly. Things He just couldn't work out for me. Problem is, i don't know if i want to go back just because i miss Him and will continue to be miserable in the household or am i just missing the fact that i have no guidance, and am just rattling around day to day. ~simple and plain, with a passion to discover~ 22 Jun 09, 5:33 AM landstoree US(LA), 2 yrs auralian wrote: To me... being in a D/s relationship isn't all about the sex. the feeling of belonging and being pleasing no matter what the situation is, (though i'm not knocking the sex, don't get me wrong *laughs*) it's about doing everything i possibly can to learn and grow more as a sub to be more pleasing to my Dom/Master, no matter what He wishes. What things make you feel more included? What made you feel less included? Knowing yourself and your needs will help you match yourself to a master regardless of whether this is a poly relationship or not. 23 Jun 09, 8:46 PM auralian US(TX), 3 yrs Y! landstoree wrote: What things make you feel more included? What made you feel less included? Knowing yourself and your needs will help you match yourself to a master regardless of whether this is a poly relationship or not. i've discovered since writing this that it's more about the personal giving in the relationship and not this particular Sir. Knowing that i couldn't give Him the satisfaction of serving where another could is what was painful i guess. i've thought on Your questions long and hard and i'm still not quite sure what my answers are but i can't go back and won't because seeing the love of a Sir given to another is just.. well frankly its painful and it rips at the heart when i give all my trust and devotion to watch it be showered on someone else just because i'm not currently completely what He is looking for. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of learning and growing as a submissive? i realize i can't be in a poly because of issues past and its probably a jealousy factor mixed in. i don't know. i enjoyed the friendship but witnessing the love and affection given to someone else by my Sir was something i cannot wrap my mind around. It felt like i wasn't worth being His exclusive girl when He explained His reasons for wanting other girls. Like i couldn't add up and i understood that it wasn't healthy for me no matter how hard i tried to accept it for Him. Making myself sound like a defeatist but i can't be anything else but brutally honest. i guess what i'm looking for is One who can help me learn and grow into everything He wants and is looking for and Someone who is looking for that one sub that can make His life complete. ~simple and plain, with a passion to discover~ 23 Jun 09, 10:52 PM 483-608-929 US(OH), 4 yrs Internally, you were dealing with the insecurities women usually have. We get jealous even when we don't intend to, we get insecure and feel unfit or out of place when things are not totally secure to us. You evidently felt at least a bit threatened by the other's presence and felt that you were not enough to satisfy Him if you could see that she fulfilled this list of needs and you fulfilled this other list of needs. Together, though, it took the teamwork of both of you to satisfy Him and that should make you realize that you were needed and will be missed. When a person is open to poly, it can really be comforting and fun and lead to many opportunities for experiences and learning. We just have to not be afraid to open ourselves up and allow our Owner/Master/Mistress to be shared by another. It helps to accept that we cannot do it all and sometimes another can help fill that void. In poly, you are really gaining the interaction with the other person and can grow from it. It does help to be bi or at least bi curious and the Owner/Master/Mistress may have to realize that this connection is needed to create a stronger bond between all concerned. Written by it with its Owner's permission. Thank you SIR. Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. Marilyn Ferguson Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together 24 Jun 09, 1:14 AM Master_SL CA, 5 yrs Where is My good friend polysporin when I need him...I am certain he could shed some light on this (keep in mind it would be alot of light so bring a welders mask) Regards, Master_SL 25 Jun 09, 12:51 AM PolygamistTestament US, 3 yrs Master_SL wrote: Where is My good friend polysporin when I need him. I am certain he could shed some light on this ... 660-184-352 wrote: First off, poly isn't for E/everyone. I have no tolerance for those who chose to be weak. If you are strong, you can do it. If you are weak, nothing is going to work for you. Too much feminine insecurity. Just say NO to feminine insecurity. How did you arrive at this conclusion? "i now understand that i won't be able to live in a poly house" What matters is whether or not you are with people who care about you. Grow up and realize what really matters in life. Being loved or feeling loved? It is more important to be loved. You weren't honorable were you? Your leaving. It wasn't honorable. Deep down inside you know that your reasons were insufficient. You had a good thing and you screwed them over. They were nice to you and you couldn't take it. It didn't give you the leverage that you desire. There was too much Me Me Me and not enough about what can I do for my sister, what can I do for Him? It is enough that you are loved. Polygyny to me is about building something. Though you may have felt you had been unselfish, your focus wasn't with building a future with them, the ideals. Does it even matter to you that you may have broken their hearts? Have you even considered this? All the while you were feeling betrayed. They didn't betray you. Emotions are irrational and need to be mastered. That is your problem, not His. It is the service you do Him. Master yourself! Only then will you have anything to give. A true submissive dominates herself and having done so, wraps herself up, gives herself a pretty bow, and presents herself as a gift. You wrote, "she truly needs Him in deeper ways ... than ... me." I think it is the reverse. You feel that you need Him more than she needs Him. You are being sorry for yourself. You left because you couldn't figure out a way to steal Him away from her. He's the prize bull. As such you were treating him like an object much like children do. Something to be won that is to take away from another. What you are missing is something no one can give you. It emanates from within. What you want is the bigger better deal. You figure that you can get it and that is what worries you. That isn't a loving attitude, now is it? You feel guilty about having left them. You will never be free of heartache. Were you free of heartache in your marriage? Do you think monogamy is going to free you from heartache? With polygamy you have a support system. It isn't right to betray someone who loves you. Edited 25 Jun 09, 1:01 AM by PolygamistTestament 25 Jun 09, 6:09 AM kaitlyn 4 yrs PolygamistTestament wrote: I have no tolerance for those who chose to be weak. If you are strong, you can do it. If you are weak, nothing is going to work for you. Too much feminine insecurity. Just say NO to feminine insecurity. How did you arrive at this conclusion? "i now understand that i won't be able to live in a poly house" What matters is whether or not you are with people who care about you. Grow up and realize what really matters in life. Being loved or feeling loved? It is more important to be loved. You weren't honorable were you? Your leaving. It wasn't honorable. Deep down inside you know that your reasons were insufficient. You had a good thing and you screwed them over. They were nice to you and you couldn't take it. It didn't give you the leverage that you desire. There was too much Me Me Me and not enough about what can I do for my sister, what can I do for Him? It is enough that you are loved. Polygyny to me is about building something. Though you may have felt you had been unselfish, your focus wasn't with building a future with them, the ideals. Does it even matter to you that you may have broken their hearts? Have you even considered this? All the while you were feeling betrayed. They didn't betray you. Emotions are irrational and need to be mastered. That is your problem, not His. It is the service you do Him. Master yourself! Only then will you have anything to give. A true submissive dominates herself and having done so, wraps herself up, gives herself a pretty bow, and presents herself as a gift. You wrote, "she truly needs Him in deeper ways ... than ... me." I think it is the reverse. You feel that you need Him more than she needs Him. You are being sorry for yourself. You left because you couldn't figure out a way to steal Him away from her. He's the prize bull. As such you were treating him like an object much like children do. Something to be won that is to take away from another. What you are missing is something no one can give you. It emanates from within. What you want is the bigger better deal. You figure that you can get it and that is what worries you. That isn't a loving attitude, now is it? You feel guilty about having left them. You will never be free of heartache. Were you free of heartache in your marriage? Do you think monogamy is going to free you from heartache? With polygamy you have a support system. It isn't right to betray someone who loves you. To PolygamistTestament: This is rather opinionated and intense for an internet forum don't you think? You have a right to your own opinion, no one is squashing that, but you have to realize that you don't know everything about this situation. I don't know everything about this situation either, I want to make it perfectly clear I don't claim to fully understand all the inner workings of their relationship. However, calling the OP weak? Saying she betrayed people she obviously loves? I can love people or even one person for that matter and not have a relationship pan out the way i expected. And not everyone is wired to want more than one person to be in that kind of relationship with them. Is that their fault? No. That is life. We all find what works best for us and go from there. You have shown no sympathy or simple human compassion in this post and honestly it bothers me incredibly. For all we know the OP may not have realized she was getting into a poly relationship. It could have developed after her original relationship. Or, she could even have thought herself capable of one. (Note: I am not saying any of this is fact. My point is WE DON'T KNOW!) You should NOT come onto an internet site, hear a portion of the problem, and attack a poster because you have strong ideals. We are here for support and help not to judge and hurt people. To the OP: I'm sorry for detracting from you thread. I feel your pain. I was in a relationship with a Domme a while back and she had several others in her life as well. At first it didn't bother me, but over time I did get jealous and frustrated that I alone couldn't be enough for her. It took all of us subis sitting down to realize that we all felt the same way we all felt frustrated that we couldn't be enough for her. Know I'm not saying that this will make you suddenly want to enter into a poly relationship, I myself decided I do better one on one although I haven't completely ruled out poly, but the bond you have with your sisters/brothers can be very strong if you open up to one another and realize that you are each treasured by your Dominant. You are each wanted for who you are separately and together as a team. Nothing pleased my Domme more than seeing us all together and happy. I felt like what she needed to feel truly fulfilled was all of us together... her family. Now, our relationship ended due to distance and while I will always appreciate it and be glad to have experienced it, I have since learned that I really do better one on one. It's a preference. Doesn't make either way better than the other, just better for me. It doesn't make me weak, or imply that I betrayed my family. Sometimes relationships don't work out for one reason or another. And sometimes we just have a bit of soul searching to do before we can make big lifestyle changes like that My advice would be to step back a little. Keep in touch with your old Sir and his girl, but give yourself enough space to really look at whether or not a poly relationship is meant for YOU. Don't worry about anyone else. Then, if you find you miss these people and you want to try again, do so! People who love us support us and are there for us in our confusion. If you do decide to try again, remember your sister will more than likely be feeling the same way you are. She can be your best friend, your confidant, and best of all you can be hers too! Communication and understanding are key in poly! Especially between submissives, in my opinion anyway, because it will save you from feelings of jealousy and inadequacy... you'd be surprised how much better you feel knowing you're not alone. And believe it or not, if the communication grows, the trust grows, and before you know it you won't be feeling inadequate or jealous... just loved. Good Luck! kait 25 Jun 09, 8:54 AM PolygamistTestament US, 3 yrs kaitlyn wrote: People who love us support us ... . When someone is doing wrong, you can't be supportive of it. The OP went through an list of all the reasons why she shouldn't have left and gave only one reason why she should not return. I recognized the logic and have the benefit from having seen it from the other side. That is from the point of view of the Possessor. I see no need to be politically correct. I concede there is a potential flaw in my reasoning. In my case my females had taken an oath. They were wives. It wasn't polyamory where anything goes. You feel that relationships should be built on sand, that immature impulses are sufficient. I proved myself and yet sickly thoughts should reign? There has been enough pandering. Men are born to be strong. Know that I'm against you because I love you! A former wife sought my blessing. For me to approve of her marriage with another man. I never relinquished my deed to her soul. Better that she is at my side in Hell! Such is the language of love. My language, however, is figurative in that I'm not going to Hell. The point is I didn't give her what she wanted, but ultimately it is for her good because her destiny in the after life is with me. The devil shall not have her! kaitlyn your love is soft whereas my love is hard. It is a shaft, solid; something you can hold onto and feel secure. My dick isn't limp. Yes, I said it. I'm a dick and proud of it! 25 Jun 09, 9:16 AM PolygamistTestament US, 3 yrs PolygamistTestament wrote: The OP went through an list of all the reasons why she shouldn't have left and gave only one reason why she should not return. Notice please she never denied that her sister and Man did not love her. With this being made explicit she now has something substantive to consider. Perhaps she just never thought about it. She assumed it. Perhaps she assumed correctly and then again perhaps she didn't. After all it was an assumption. Next page