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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Denied after care as part of punishment" 1 2 3 Denied after care as part of punishment (30) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Mon 8 Jun 09, 12:20 PM Blissful_Deviant AU, 2 yrs Lets skip the usual "is this the right place?" bit and get into it! I stuffed up really badly. I don't deny this, and I'm not trying to get out of punishment - it is absolutely warranted. Here is the thing: my Owner went nuts. He lost the plot. Usually he is very controlled, even at his angriest; he also focuses on making sure that I am okay after any sort of punishment or intense thing we get into. I have always felt safe with him, and never been overly screwed up after anything. Oh, and if it's going to be a more intense sort of punishment, I usually have warning, so that I can prepare myself at least in some way. Everything changed the other night. We had been fighting, he came to my place to collect some of his things, then a little while later got me to meet him downstairs. He took me back to his place, made me strip naked and get onto my knees, and without warning started punishment. It mostly involved hard slapping, pinching, hair pulling etc. I started crying (never happens - it's almost impossible to make me cry) and he got meaner, demanding I cry more. Anyway, at the end of it, he didn't so much as hug me, or even ask if I was okay. I sat quietly on the couch, staring off into space, and then he looked up and said "time to take you home", packed me up into the car and dropped me off at my place without a word. Okay, so, here is what made things different: I was already in a very poor mental state - I personally think it was a bad time to punish me, as I wasn't myself and I definitely wasn't in the frame of mind to be able to comprehend or cope with what was happening. He was deliberately focusing on hitting parts of my body that I am the most insecure about - my breasts, stomach, hips etc. Fair enough, he wanted to punish me. In my head, I was thinking "oh my god, he finds me as revolting as I find myself". He had a look of complete rage in his eyes, there was no familiarity at al, he wasn't himself. After dropping me off, I didn't leave my apartment or speak to anyone for days. I sat around the place, staring at walls and was just generally out of it and not recovering at all. When I spoke to him about the lack of aftercare, he said that it was part of my punishment, that I didn't deserve aftercare. I have a few issues with this situation, and I don't know how to resolve any of it. Maybe... People who read this have been through similar situations, or can offer some advice? Here goes: 1. The choice of time. I was in a really bad mental state, and he admits that he lost control. If he couldn't control himself, surely he should've known to not punish me or even be around me at that point? 2. The lack of aftercare. I just... I don't have words for this. Starting off from an already dangerous point, and then pushing me far beyond it, and then dumping me on the street? I think it's going a bit too far. 3. He scared me... I'm scared that he's going to do it again... I lost a bit of trust for him that night, and I don't know where to go from here? I think... I want a hug and an apology, but I don't think that will happen so what do I do? Any advice would be great. 8 Jun 09, 1:35 PM MasterPJ UK, 2 yrs I think your annoyance at lack of aftercare is totally justified. I don't know how bad your beating was, or how much beyond being in control he went, I guess that is between you and him, but personally I would feel that if I beat nika while not retaining some sort of self control, then that is no longer a bdsm beating and is more spousal abuse. I suspect that his claim regarding aftercare being part of the punishment is perhaps just an excuse so that his loss of control in the beating is not so obvious. If I beat nika as a punishment, once the beating is finished, then the matter is closed. At the end of it all, I love her more than anything and still wish to know she is ok. From what you have said, I agree that an apology is perhaps unlikely, but I do think you should sit down with him and talk about your feelings and anxiety. If you don't trust your Master to take care of your well being, then IMHO, you are already on the road to release. Being able to trust your owner is a corner stone of this type of relationship, and if you are not able to trust him through fear, then the foundations will crumble. I wish you luck in the conversations you should have, and in your relationship in general, I hope things improve for you. Take care. x Owner of nika. She is mine and I love her dearly. 8 Jun 09, 2:29 PM sidney 2 yrs I can truly relate to the lack of aftercare even tho mine was not a punishment but instead a scene that went bad. I'm learning myself that trust is everything. Without it everything else is starting to burn out. Have you been able to tell him how you feel and that you are still scared?.... I'm still trying to let time tell....... but something has changed in me.... Aftercare is so important.... Be Well 8 Jun 09, 2:37 PM allalone47 US(OH), 6 yrs You are right on the problem of after care but the biggest problem is that he was not doing it out of love for and with you but becouse he was angry For reasons you didn't say and probably don't know he was angry and took it out on you. That is somthing that is never done! A owner and there slave/s need and require complete trust in each other and he broke that. You do need to find out what was wrong dn if nessasary change things so this does not happen again. As for you not being ready. A slave most be ready to plese there owner 24/7, anytime or place.Hoever what he did was not out of love but anger he crossed a line a Master or Misstress never comes to when with there slave 8 Jun 09, 10:50 PM Kay_kay US(NY), 2 yrs I/i agree with all of the above. There is a difference between punishment and abuse. Punishment is meted out in love and in a controlled frame of mind. Punishment is--you have done this, you must now suffer this to atone, you have now suffered, you are forgiven and are My good girl/boy/thing. However, most of all, it is controlled. No one punishes when angry. It's not just a rule for D/s, M/s, O/p, it is a rule for even parents and bosses, anyone that can give punishment to another. One calms down before one decides on consequence because, in anger, one will always be too harsh. What he did is abuse. There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no defense and, since he has punished you before but never as he did that night, he knows it. If he had never punished you before, then ignorance could be blamed but he has merited out punishment before but never like this and you state that even he admits he was out of control that night. So, here comes the responsibility that goes along with the fun of being a Master. he broke your trust. Emphasis here. HE BROKE your trust. So he needs to fix what he broke. If he is any kind of a Master, he will fix what he broke through his own bad choices and mistakes. If he is not willing to fix what he broke through his failure in being a master, then you might want to start looking at that door I/i know this post sounds very harsh and it is not just this string that's the reason. I/i keep seeing posts from s-types asking for advice on how to deal with masters who have failed to be Masters, masters who have taken on the joys of Dominence but will not step up to the responsibilities of it and leave their s-types wondering and confused and hurt and in bad situations. I/i do hope that your master will step up as a Master and give you a hug and what you need to fix the trust because, as all the others say, honestly, how can this relationship continue without trust. It can't. 9 Jun 09, 1:55 AM moebius_slave US(LA), 3 yrs Blissful_Deviant wrote: I think... I want a hug and an apology is an apology going to regain your trust? is a hug going to fix what he did...errr....didn't do? no? then either YOU fix it,or you stand for it, or you move on. as has been pointed out here already, punishment while angry is a big no-no. not just for a Master...for ANYONE. (hell if i got punished while people were pissed off at me, i would have been ripped to shreds by more than one of my previous employers!) in my not so humble opinion...if you have to ask, you already know the answer...either fix it, live with it, or get out. The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings. 9 Jun 09, 5:57 PM 882-486-715 UK, 2 yrs I think your Master was much too hard. As already said, you should discuss it with him, that he must not do that again. On the other hand, lack of aftercare can be a very intense part of the punishment. After being punished physically, my Master lets me tied for a time (up to 30 min). He observes me, but he doesnt touch me and he doesnt say a word. This is a really hard time for me and I dont like it at all. I think, its a very effective means of punishment, at least for me. 882-486-715 10 Jun 09, 7:34 AM PapaHertz US, 2 yrs I have just learned about this site and was just browsing when I read your 'plea' and that IS what it was. IMO you need to try to put everything that happened behind you so you can focus on just one thing. TRUST. I am in a large group of BDSM followers in SoCal. We formed several years ago for two purposes: education and safety. Along the way we taught each other member a lot and we all learned a lot. I've been in this group for over 10 years now. With that preamble, ALL of BDSM can be summed up in one word: TRUST. REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENED, WHEN IT HAPPENED, OR EVEN WHY IT HAPPENED, you said it all when you said you lost trust. Think about it, please. You couched it in an easier for you to accept, more palatable form when you said you lost a 'little bit' of trust. IMO, that's like being a little bit pregnant. As a submissive, his submissive, you must rely upon your trust in him. You are turning over your body, mind, even spirit. And it is ALL based upon trust. If that is slipping for you now, it is a slippery slope. You will find that when next you are called upon to submit. Sorry, I do not know the answer. I can only tell you my own reactions when I fell into a rage a couple of times before engaging in 'play'. I had to stop. I would not allow myself to continue. I'd just engaged in a knock down drag out phone conversation with a wife from whom I'd separated. I was en route to a working dungeon to engage in light play with a 'working girl' femsub. I could not trust myself to play when enraged. No more,IMHO, should a Master engage in punishment when enraged. Let's take a moment to think about the theory of punishment. It should be primarily a teaching tool. It should teach the submissive to not engage in certain conduct, hopefully ever again. I just don't think it is meant to be a release for a Master/Mistress. By definition a Master/Mistress is supposed to be in control AT ALL TIMES. Isn't that what you trust him/her to do; to be? Do you know anyone locally in your BDSM community, a respected member of the community, preferably from what we here in the West call 'the old school?' Someone your Master will listen to. If you are to repair your relationship, it should be taken to someone like that, if available. If not, the only other thing I can suggest is a 'time out'. NO,not for you to go sit in a corner, or face the wall. I always offered my femsub who was with me for almost three years a 'time out', during which she could bring up anything and discuss any subject with me as an equal. She was a very intelligent young woman. I did not want to stifle that intelligence. Sometimes, it is true, she did not get a time out at the time she wanted it, nor for as long as she wanted it. But she always had a time out period where she could talk to me as an equal, and state anything that concerned her. Please let us know if anything I've suggested works for you. Good luck. /PapaHertz 10 Jun 09, 8:16 AM rednwhite00 CA, 4 yrs What your owner did to you was very wrong in all ways. He should never punish you or even touch you when he is pissed off at you or anyone else. This is not acceptable or nor should it be tollirated. As a owner or a Dom he should have known better and know this is wrong to do. He needs to make sure he is in control of all and any situations at all times. The way you were treated should never happen. Dont ever let him treat you like that again. If he starts to , you need to remove your self from that situation and have a time out from it and take control yourself. Do you really need to be with your owner if he treats you like that? And always remember that this could happen to you again even if he says he will never do it again.... he may so be careful 11 Jun 09, 3:09 AM 000-953-143 US(MI), 9 yrs If you are going to punish a dog you don't smack it with a news paper and then coddle it expecting it to learn what it did wrong. So personally, this slave does not understand everyone's enragement with the lack of after-care. People don't learn any different from animals. There have been tests done on humans and animals for positive and negative reinforcement. The positive reinforcement being after care and the negative reinforcement being punishment. They have proven if you were to do both for the same action it will lead to the behavior being repeated. The only after care this slave's Master would give this slave is tossing the first-aid-kit in this slave's general direction once He was done. This isn't because He doesn't care it is because He would want this slave to learn from the punishment. As for the loss of control this slave does not see where he has lost control at all. you took yourself to the car and stayed home by yourself for days nor did you say you had to go to the hospital. If He did dump you on the street you couldn't have been that bad if you got home. this slave will not coddle you because by how you wrote your post it is obvious you know what you did was wrong and there is no reason for this slave to pity you when your are in the wrong. this slave feels you told your story one sided and shaded with the details that you wanted us to hear so "we would take your side" by making your Master look bad and that is wrong. you should respect Him more then that by sharing more of what he felt about it before looking for outside advice. Talk to him this is between you and Him not anyone on this board. Talk to Him or you will never trust Him again. posted with permission omerta88 edited for a missed typo thank You Master Edited 11 Jun 09, 3:15 AM by 000-953-143 11 Jun 09, 3:22 AM MasterOmerta88 US(IA), 2 yrs Y! atta girl. Thats My good little slave All great things must first wear a horrible and monstrous mask to inscribe themselves on the hearts and minds of humanity Edited 11 Jun 09, 4:14 AM by MasterOmerta88 Next page