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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Conflicting desires" 1 2 Conflicting desires (18) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Thu 4 Jun 09, 2:05 PM Deep4menow US, 2 yrs Hello all, I'm in an odd sort of position and would like some perspective/ reference from others who understand what it is I'm talking about. My girlfriend of about 4 years and I have recently began what we call a Master/ slave aspect to our relationship. I realize that what we have may not meet many of your definitions for Master/ slave classifications but thats how we term it. I can tell that submitting to my will and obeying me turns her on massively but she has a very stubborn independent streak and she gets frustrated/angry and suddenly wants nothing to do with being a slave or listening to anyone. So far her training includes shaving ( she never had before and I prefer her smooth all over), masturbation nightly even though she finds it distasteful and she says not so pleasurable ( I am hoping to get her used to deriving pleasure from obedience and masturbation to boost her sex drive and open her up a bit sexually) and assuming a presentation position at will. Of course I also insist that she refer to me only as Master and that she keeps a journal of her thoughts at least twice a week so that I may see how she is progressing and what I need to focus her training on. I really would just like everyone to comment on my methods and perhaps suggest ideas for her further training, but particularly a way to break through her stubborn angry streak. Here is an excerpt from her journal, maybe it will help you to understand my issue: "There are moments of pure frustration where my temper overflows inside me, and I want absolutely nothing to do with serving my Master. I don't believe I can pinpoint what will set my emotions on fire, but the past few times have been when Master exerts his power over me, and I get fed up and fly off the handle. He explains that if I satisfy his requests, he will not be as difficult or frustrating, but I have not been able to see that reflected, and so it adds to complications, and continues this loop of push-pull obedience." I realize this is a stupid request and that "real dominants don't need others help" or at least thats a reaction I've gotten from some, but we are new to this myself to the practice and her to the whole concept so I would really appreciate anything constructive you can come up with. Thanks alot! 4 Jun 09, 5:55 PM CherryBombpop US(CA), 2 yrs There are no stupid questions, as long as you're sincere ~ remember that. I am not completely new to being Dom, but not massively experienced either. In the beginning, I did have trouble handling subs who were angry/defiant. I was not yet very secure within Myself as being the Authority. As I grow in My confidence, managing subs has become easier. I find it's more natural now. Being the leader can mean that you get some resentment or insubordination sometimes, and it is absolutely your job to handle it. Do not be afraid of punishment if it is due. Not necessarily whipping ~ there are many forms of punishment, and you will need to find what is effective. Sometimes a caning will only make things worse, not better. It will take some creative thought on your part to find the proper way to handle her moods. As a woman, I have to say that masturbating every day can be difficult for us, because our hormones fluctuate throughout the month. Of course females are physically able to serve on almost any day, but she might not be "feeling it", through no real fault of her own. Please keep in mind the natural rhythms of the female, and play into it while excersizing your control. This might be the biggest oversight of Male Doms/Masters, the way they can ignore this obvious biological fact. The last piece of advice I have is to make sure your slave knows what a treasure she is. If she feels unvalued as your possession, she will not have her whole heart in it. Tell her often that she is your most precious possession, and mean it. Treat her as you would any property of extremely high value, and that might do the trick for you. Set the controls for the heart of the sun... 5 Jun 09, 12:12 AM Deep4menow US, 2 yrs Thanks you for your reply! I try to take her cycle into account as much as possible. The real issue is that she just doesn't seem to enjoy masturbation at all I'm hoping to correct that through having her explore different techniques since she has never done it before and really knows nothing about pleasing herself. she also claims that self stimulation of her nipples has no effect at all on her. Really what I suppose I am driving at as far as this post goes is that she gets into these moments of anger and is disobedient and I feel as if pushing may cause her to want to break off this "experiment". what confuses me is this would seem to indicate that she is no interested in being a slave full time and sh has said in those moments that she resents being told what to do, but I know she is really turned on by it and she has told me so when she is calm. I have even explained to her in great detail what is to be expected of her once her training is complete, intentionally using terms and a tone that was meant to get her to quit if she wasn't interested and she accepted it all only saying that she was unsure if she could handle her temper/ if she could enjoy being told what to do constantly. I also like the suggestion to let her know how valuable she is to me because I do that all the time just not from the "possession" aspect so perhaps I should introduce that concept to get her thinking of herself more as my possession? I also thought I might add the restrictions that she must ask my permission to organize social events if they include more than one other person or to spend money over 30$ as she is my property and her time/ what she may earn with it is also mine to distribute how I will. So to boil my question down to a sentence I guess I would ask...is this a normal problem encountered in training a slave new to this sort of thing ( and really to any kind of non missionary type sex)? Also is it something that can be adjusted with training,and if so do you have any suggestions on punishments or training strategies that may be effective without pushing her into total rejection of the lifestyle? Thanks! I know I am asking alot and I appreciate the input. 5 Jun 09, 1:33 AM goreankajira US(OH), 4 yrs Y! i would mainly like to address the stubborn part. This is embarassing on my end but ive went thru a few stubborn times with Master as well. And while it seemed at the time like there was no real reason looking at the dates of this happening and such pretty much tells me that its mostly hormonal when it happens. i always feel bad afterwards and especially after this last time because it got really bad. We made it thru it and i accepted my punishment for my actions. Also i feel its important to realize that to many this lifestyle can seem very overwhelming at times. i know ive felt that and it can be hard to deal with and sometimes even harder to communicate about. to me it sounds like you have the starts of a good foundation. Good luck!! 5 Jun 09, 1:40 AM subbymentalist US(LA), 5 yrs Maybe she should see her lady doctor. Could have an issue like PMDD or a hormone imbalance, combined with a change to a totally new lifestyle could be causing serious chemical problems. - [Tm] 5 Jun 09, 2:04 AM Oysterspearl US(VA), 3 yrs i had a similar experience so i will share with you what was happening with me and maybe this is happening with her too. i was married and had children before my husband introduced me into D/s. i loved it, and it was such a turn on and i so enjoyed him telling me what to do and me obeying him. The problem was i have this temper that sometimes would get me into trouble. i would allow my temper to control everything. i would get so frustrated and irratated by him telling me what to do. Frustrated really isn't the word, i was more annoyed than anything. The way i looked at it, i worked all day, had 2 small children, came home and cleaned i was exhausted. i was being told what to do at work all day why did i need it all the time at home. The problem was i had a hard time expressing this to him. It wasn't because i didn't want to i just didn't understand why i felt the way i did. It made no sense to me. If this turned me on so much how could it frustrate me at the same time? With these thoughts and feelings going through my mind it caused us to fail more times than i care to mention. Well we started back again and i really did my best to put my best foot forward and to control my temper. It took a little bit but it was worth it. i finally started to understand everything in regards to D/s. i mean really understand it. i finally realized that it's not about just obeying him, but getting pleasure (not just sexual) out of obeying him. Like he states "the light bulb finally went off in your head". This is when we stepped it up a notch and started our M/s relationship. Again he threw me for a loop because i didn't understand completely what being his slave was all about. i did a lot of research online and visted many sites to understand it. It all feel into place when we took everything out of the bedroom and started living M/s 24/7. Not sure if this all makes sense, i know i kind of rambled but she seems very confused with her feelings and i completely understand that. You might have to be real patient and allow her to really find herself in order for this to work. Be kind to each other, pearl 5 Jun 09, 2:55 AM Deep4menow US, 2 yrs Thanks for keeping the useful info coming guys! I really appreciate it. Is it a natural thing for her to be missing her old non sub life and wanting it back? also is it a good idea for me to keep up her training the same way letting her work through this in her head or should I loosen up? I am getting the sense that this is something that can be alleviated by understanding a continuing of training while letting her work through these feelings and settle in? how can I help her have that light bulb? I would really like her to be able to source more pleasure from her obedience. Thanks again to everyone this is really helping me alot! 5 Jun 09, 7:35 PM Oysterspearl US(VA), 3 yrs Deep4menow wrote: Thanks for keeping the useful info coming guys! I really appreciate it. Is it a natural thing for her to be missing her old non sub life and wanting it back? also is it a good idea for me to keep up her training the same way letting her work through this in her head or should I loosen up? I am getting the sense that this is something that can be alleviated by understanding a continuing of training while letting her work through these feelings and settle in? how can I help her have that light bulb? I would really like her to be able to source more pleasure from her obedience. Thanks again to everyone this is really helping me alot! i think she is missing her vanilla life, but she just doesn't understand why the M/s turns her on at times. When i was so confused i would miss my old life, but not anymore. You couldn't pay me to go back to being vanilla again. i really don't have any advice to give. i really think it's something that she is going to have to work through in order for find herself. i'm going to show this to my Master and hopefully he can offer some type of advice since he saw what i went through. pearl 5 Jun 09, 10:15 PM Deep4menow US, 2 yrs Thanks for checking back! So you think this is normal and that it's something she will be able to get over with time? Should I give her space to figure that out or continue training as normal do you think? I talked to her about this thread and she said she didn't know if she would ever lose that desire for a slave free life. She also said she feels like even though this is something she enjoys she could live without it and it seems more important to me than to her. I think this is because she knows so little about the lifestyle but I'm not sure. Am I interpreting this correctly? I'm just being extra careful and thank you again for being so helpful! Please keep it coming! I appreciate the outside perspective on these issues I have been mulling around in my own head for a week or so. 11 Jun 09, 3:09 AM Deep4menow US, 2 yrs I just wanted to post a quick update. Things seem to be going rather well, she has not objected to any of her continued training, and there has not been another anger episode as of yet. Admittedly I have been going a bit easier on her but I feel as though some progress is still being made. Alse she admitted that even during her angry episodes she is immensely turned on by being made to be more obedient. In my opinion she is even more excited by being made or 'forced' to be obedient does anyone have any similar experience or suggestions to help me move along here? Thanks alot! 17 Jun 09, 3:31 AM slave_of_The_Tesh US(FL), 2 yrs Your girlfriend sounds a LOOOOOT like me. I've gotten a bit better at overcoming my stubborn streak, though it does still appear. Mostly it was retraining my brain to remember that Master has my best interests in mind. If I was not sure of that beyond ANY shadow of a doubt, there is no way I would trust Him so and I never would have consented to this. Most of the time, I don't fight Him. But sometimes I do, partly because He enjoys my feisty side (it's part of what drew him to me before we started this M/s thing), and partly because my inborn stubborn German attitude is just hard to kill. And I ONLY kill it with Him. No one else gets anything even close to utter submission from me. In addition, the new facet of Y/your dynamic may be very difficult for her to handle. If she has trouble adjusting or dealing with change, this could be major issue for her. The journal seems to be helping some. If masturbation just doesn't work for her, she may never enjoy it. Personally, I have never once been able to please myself through masturbation, and I don't do it unless I've been given a direct command from Master to do so, and that is very rare. Even then it doesn't really do anything for me. It may help Your girlfriend out a lot if You reassure her that she can trust You and that she is Your most precious possession. It may take some time and a lot of patience on Your part, but it will be worth it in the long run. If this lifestyle is something she says she "could do without," perhaps it will be easiest to move along slowly. Don't try too much too fast or she'll get completely turned off by the idea. It may also help, if it works for Y/you, to reassure her that she can still retain her independence in some areas of her life, but that You have control of others. Perhaps giving her a set amount of "free time" every day, during which she is permitted to do whatever she wants to do without needing to obtain Your permission or approval first, would help her accept her role. I said the same things to Master when we were first starting out. I need some type of control of my own in my life, and it helps unbelievably to know that certain areas are still mine. I need to be able to function in the world without him, though gods know I would be unabashedly delighted if I could be with Him all the time. It would make things very difficult for us if I had to be with Him constantly. Doctors visits with O/our son, going to my classes, and his job would be all but impossible if we had the same dynamic many other M/s couples do. Not that they're wrong, but that just doesn't work for us. We also aren't a 24/7 type of couple because of some personal issues in my past. "Slave" has to be a role I play with a period of mental rest and vanilla normalcy every so often, because I absolutely refuse to slip back into some of my old self-destructive ways out of a sense of worthlessness. Perhaps she has a fear of losing herself into the role and not being able to find herself again; if that's the case, constant reassurance that You love her and will help her when she loses herself will go a long way toward making her transition easier. You mention in Your update that she seems to get off on being forced into submission. It's possible that she craves the provocation/punishment type of play. I don't really know how to help You there. That used to be a regular thing for U/us, but since He told me He'd rather have submission, it's more or less something to break up the monotony of constant obedience. Sorry this got so long! I kinda... rambled a lot. Edited to add (sorry!!!): COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If Y/you two aren't absolutely clear with each other about what Y/you expect or want, things could go south very quickly. Keep the lines of communication open and discuss issues as they arise. Don't bottle them up and let them fester; deal with them as they come up and try to work out a way to resolve the problem. Make sure she feels like she is allowed to openly talk to You - not just through her journaling - about any problems she may have, and TALK TALK TALK them out to make sure no frustratingly unpleasant "surprises" happen. Owned by The_Tesh This post has probably been edited for spelling/grammar because I'm weird like that. Edited 17 Jun 09, 3:46 AM by slave_of_The_Tesh Next page