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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "A scene gone bad....." 1 2 A scene gone bad..... (13) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Tue 2 Jun 09, 3:04 PM sidney 3 yrs New to this so please bare with me. A scene on Sunday really hit a nerve. We were involved in some breath play. I do enjoy this but I need him to know when I'm going or out all together. I have told him this and have also shared with him that I don't like being slapped in the face. His response to me was I'm not going to like everything he does. I was ok with that. It's not a hard limit. I have also shared with him about my past (child prostitute) and how painful it was. He loves my past and the details really gets him excited... The scene was we were doing breath play and I went out about 3 times back to back.. When I would come to he was still slapping me in the face, calling me a slut and telling me to service his dick. I think it was the fact that all this was going on at once that truly hurt me emotionally. I came to from being out scratching and I scratch him on his stomach, jumped out of the bed. I asked him if he even new I was out? He was very upset about the fact that I scratched him and just said NO and whats the big deal??? I ran to the bathroom crying. He just left the room. When he came back I was still very hurt and I lashed out saying, "great aftercare". He was still focused on the fact that I scratched him and was still angry. He asked why I did not use the safeword.. This is a very good question and I should have but instead I lashed out. This is not my norm. I don't do that. It was a total reaction. We were getting no where and I was just becoming more hurt. His response to me was... O, it's all about you..... I said yes, I'm the sub and he should have seen to it that I was ok.. I'm very good about cleaning my side of the street but I truly NEEDED some aftercare. I'm sure I would have calmed down and been able to express my sorrow for what I did. I ran out of there because I was still in pain and his angry words were hurting me more. I drove home ( 2 hour drive) so I could calm down and see the situation more clearly. I should have said that that was what I was doing but I just left. When we finally talked about it over the phone I expressed that I was sorry.. He said he was sorry to from making me feel scared but he also said that a part of him really did not care if I ever called him again. We have had issues and have broke up before but nothing like this and I did not say it was over. He has made it like I'm not really wanting to be a sub and I'm just on another one of my whims.... I just feel that he should really listen to me when I share things that hurts me.. It seems that my feelings are only a after thought when he has done whatever he wants. He has made the whole situation my fault. I'm left wondering if this is true? Maybe I'm not understanding what it means to be a sub... But a big part of me is also wondering if he is just using the D/s relationship to for fill his own needs to inflict emotional pain. He has told me he is a sex addict and humiliation is one of his bottom lines. And that he has looked for women with emotional issues so he just play out his stuff in the bedroom. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm just another one of these women on the list. He tells me that he adores and loves me and I feel this outside the bedroom.... But the bedroom stuff just seems to always go to the next level and I end up feeling empty, worthless, shame, and just like a whore. I again have told him this and it will be ok for awhile but it always returns.. I have such a need to make him happy and I think he uses this against me........ Am I crazy and just not truly understanding what a D/s relationship is all about? Thanks soooo much for listening.... Edited Tue 2 Jun 09, 3:44 PM by sidney 2 Jun 09, 3:58 PM CinnamonCain US, 3 yrs Sidney wrote: And that he has looked for women with emotional issues so he just play out his stuff in the bedroom. There's a line to be drawn between dominance and abuse. The dominant's role in a relationship is--above all else--the care of his submissive. I remained fairly objective, realizing there are two sides to every story, until I came to the line above in your post. Be very, very careful with this man. A lot of dominants get off on pushing buttons, but a good, healthy dom lays a foundation that makes that safe and they recognize that it may go bad, and when it does they do everything in their power to keep their submissive calm and healthy. As for safewording, you were in too primal a state to safeword and, honestly, how are you going to safeword when you're passed out or still working to get your brain back on track from lack of oxygen?! What you experienced was a feral state. You went beyond submission into survival mode: a fight or flight response--or, in this case, a fight then flight response--because you knew in your gut, your heart and your head that you were not safe. You weren't. Bottom line. Breathplay with someone who is more concerned about their own needs than paying enough attention to know when you've passed out is a one way ticket to accidental death. It is sometimes difficult to know the line between bucking your dominant because you just don't feel like doing something and knowing when something isn't in your best interest. It's my opinion that a lot of us who are in the lifestyle are looking for drama, for that adrenaline rush, maybe because we got used to it in another area of our life and we don't feel whole without it. There are ways to get that rush, to have that drama, that are safe and can be nurturing--even healing, if you've a need to heal from something. If you're leaving a scene feeling angry or especially worthless, and you can't talk to your dominant about it and get the aftercare you need, something's wrong. What you have with this man does not sound like it's healthy, based only on what you've said in this post. To top it off, it might get you dead. 2 Jun 09, 5:21 PM 347-926-367 US, 3 yrs Sidney wrote: A scene gone bad..... New to this so please bare with me. A scene on Sunday really hit a nerve. We were involved in some breath play. I do enjoy this but I need him to know when I'm going or out all together. I have told him this and have also shared with him that I don't like being slapped in the face. His response to me was I'm not going to like everything he does. I was ok with that. It's not a hard limit. I have also shared with him about my past (child prostitute) and how painful it was. He loves my past and the details really gets him excited... The scene was we were doing breath play and I went out about 3 times back to back.. When I would come to he was still slapping me in the face, calling me a slut and telling me to service his dick. I think it was the fact that all this was going on at once that truly hurt me emotionally. I came to from being out scratching and I scratch him on his stomach, jumped out of the bed. I asked him if he even new I was out? He was very upset about the fact that I scratched him and just said NO and whats the big deal??? I ran to the bathroom crying. He just left the room. When he came back I was still very hurt and I lashed out saying, "great aftercare". He was still focused on the fact that I scratched him and was still angry. He asked why I did not use the safeword.. This is a very good question and I should have but instead I lashed out. This is not my norm. I don't do that. It was a total reaction. We were getting no where and I was just becoming more hurt. His response to me was... O, it's all about you..... I said yes, I'm the sub and he should have seen to it that I was ok.. I'm very good about cleaning my side of the street but I truly NEEDED some aftercare. I'm sure I would have calmed down and been able to express my sorrow for what I did. I ran out of there because I was still in pain and his angry words were hurting me more. I drove home ( 2 hour drive) so I could calm down and see the situation more clearly. I should have said that that was what I was doing but I just left. When we finally talked about it over the phone I expressed that I was sorry.. He said he was sorry to from making me feel scared but he also said that a part of him really did not care if I ever called him again. We have had issues and have broke up before but nothing like this and I did not say it was over. He has made it like I'm not really wanting to be a sub and I'm just on another one of my whims.... I just feel that he should really listen to me when I share things that hurts me.. It seems that my feelings are only a after thought when he has done whatever he wants. He has made the whole situation my fault. I'm left wondering if this is true? Maybe I'm not understanding what it means to be a sub... But a big part of me is also wondering if he is just using the D/s relationship to for fill his own needs to inflict emotional pain. He has told me he is a sex addict and humiliation is one of his bottom lines. And that he has looked for women with emotional issues so he just play out his stuff in the bedroom. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm just another one of these women on the list. He tells me that he adores and loves me and I feel this outside the bedroom.... But the bedroom stuff just seems to always go to the next level and I end up feeling empty, worthless, shame, and just like a whore. I again have told him this and it will be ok for awhile but it always returns.. I have such a need to make him happy and I think he uses this against me........ Am I crazy and just not truly understanding what a D/s relationship is all about? Thanks soooo much for listening.... Hello First you r NOT in the wrong. Secondly, it IS His job AND duty to make sure you are safe and ok. Now when He let you know that He basically preys on women with emotional probs, that should have been a red flag. He doesnt really care it seems. And He also has told you that he could care less if He talks to you again. Looking in from the outside, i say you did the right thing by leaving. And an even better thing by breaking it off. Love can be blind. i think thats where you got things mixed up. Kelli ~*AnAlKiTtEn21*~ 2 Jun 09, 6:05 PM SirSeven 3 yrs Sidney wrote: A scene gone bad ........ Am I crazy and just not truly understanding what a D/s relationship is all about? This is not what a D/s relationship is all about. From what you described, this doesn't sound like a very healthy or safe situation to me. It seems he gets off abusing you, emotionally and physically, and you are hurting a great deal because of it. You may want to take some time to evaluate this relationship with a clear head before continuing on with this person. Sir Seven 2 Jun 09, 6:10 PM sidney 3 yrs To be fare to him..... The fact that I scratched him did trigger his own past pain from his last relationship. But I'm still hurt about the fact that he did not do any aftercare. He said that he was done chasing after anyone. Again his own past hurts are in play here.... He usually calls me in the morning or durning his lunch but has yet to do so today. I'm left feeling totally insecure. I don't know if he is punishing me or if he is trying to decide if he still wants our relationship. He did send a text stating that through all this he still loves and misses me. I have sent him a email telling him again how sorrowful I am for scratching him then leaving without telling him I just needed space to regroup. I stated what I'm willing to do for this not to happen again. I also communicated things I don't like but they are not hard limits... All I ask in return is some aftercare for reassurance that he still adores and loves me and it was just a scene. In my heart I still think our relationship can surpass anything he and I have ever had and I am willing to work towards that.... However, some of my needs need to be met too. Is it all about the needs of the DOM? Our relationship often feels very one sided. Am I kinda missing the point? Edited 2 Jun 09, 6:52 PM by sidney 2 Jun 09, 7:07 PM thegildedlili 3 yrs Isn't this situation along the same lines as the one you posted about previously, where your dom seemed unable to look past his own needs and see the impact of his actions? this would be sounding serious warning bells for me, and I agree with others that you need to have an objective look at this situation and the potential long term impact on your physical *and* emotional health. i have no need, for such things, but to make you happy... Josh Pyke Edited 2 Jun 09, 7:16 PM by thegildedlili 2 Jun 09, 9:50 PM sidney 3 yrs Thanks for bring up my last post. I just went and read it again. And here it is.... More of the same issue but taken to another level. I'm left with chasing any crumb he decides to give me. It's like I'm being torn down and pleading for love and attention. He has a real gift of being a spin doctor and I buy into it.... I have some serious self work to do... Again, thank you for all your replies. Sadden and Broken Hearted 3 Jun 09, 3:24 PM SStar_s_peachy US(GA), 5 yrs Y! Sidney: i don't know if this will help you, but please know there are those who have been through similar events such as the one you described and please know we do not judge you, regardless of what decision you make concerning how to handle it. But because we do not judge does not mean we do not care. We are here for you, as long as you need us. Don't feel guilty for placing your feelings on a post, but celebrate that you have found sisters (and brothers, Master/Mistresses and other Dominants) who are real and we would love it if if you will allow us to share your pathway to healing. Sidney, you placed your pain out in the open for all to see. That took GUTS!! you are to be commended for allowing your pain to be exposed for all to see. While reading what happened, i saw a repeated theme. Even though you were hurting, you never sounded confused or in denial about how this episode affected you. Your thought processes are amazing, including the fact you still have it in you to make attempts to rationalize why you feel as you feel and the directions you are traveling to resolve it. Just remember this - life's journey has pathways which have many tributary paths which branch off from the main path. Choices you make now can affect the present alone or they can affect the rest of your life. But, the choices are yours to make. It's your life and you should not be made to feel you are doing anything wrong by protecting yourself. Your last post sounded so sad. Maybe it was because i've "been there" that my heart beats in sync with your pain. Please don't give up - on yourself - or on finding the right One who will become your Master or Dominant. Please don't feel there is nothing left in your life as a sub because of your past. You are the sum of all your experiences and negative experiences do not have to have an end result of negative outcomes. In my own life, the negative experiences actually carved a pretty succinct trail which made it easier for Master to find what happened to me and gave Him some idea how to help me. Please bear with me and forgive me for using my own life as a point of relevance. As an introduction to you, i am the collared, owned slave of Master. 10 June 09 we will celebrate 9 years since our introduction to each other. 28 November 09 will mark the 9th anniversary of our joining as Master and slave. Prior to meeting Master i had run the gauntlet as far as relationships were concerned. i had self esteem issues and as a result, i felt i didn't deserve to be happy. At the age of 18 i married my 'childhood sweetheart' - only 3 short months after he returned from Viet Nam. Although i didn't know it at the time, my husband was severely traumatized while in Viet Nam (having seen his best friend killed) and many other horrors of war. There were 30 years in our marriage, some good, but many full of pain. Because of my commitment, i stayed in the marriage long after it should have ended. My husband never fully committed to me because of the life paths he traveled and the choices made, whether they were made of free will or made as the result of there being no other choice - as far as he was concerned). Regardless of what made it happen, he was so fixated to himself, his life, his needs, his wants, that he kept taking from me, taking that which i freely offered - myself - that in the end there almost wasn't enough of me left to salvage. Although it would take too much of your time to chronicle all the events which led up to the demise of our marriage, i will state this fact - i wish i had faced up to reality a long time ago. i thought if i stayed with my husband, maybe i could make a difference, a positive difference. i almost martyred myself because i thought by doing so i could help him. Instead, he was building a rage, somehow transferring to me, as my responsibility, all the bad that he saw himself as suffering. i thought by allowing him to abuse me, maybe i was helping him through his pain. Instead, i was enabling him to open a pressure valve so that he would get enough relief from his pain so that he didn't believe he needed help. But in doing this - he was (literally) killing me - a statement made to me by my doctor when he asked me if i wanted to die. i told him no, of course not, then he said "Then you have to make a choice - to get away from your husband or you will die" - probably in a very short period of time. My body collapsed and i needed surgery to repair disks which collapsed as a result of years of tension and stress. My mind shut down to where all i could think about was dying as a means of getting away from all the pain. Sidney, don't make one of the mistakes i made. i totally ignored that which all of us are born with - a sense of self-preservation. You know what happened in this scene wasn't positive - for either of you. The scene you described was one where total trust was an absolute. Breath control is something that, if abused, can result in brain damage or even death. No matter what happened to cause the scene to end as it did, the fact is it traumatically affected you. Your fears, your concerns, your pain, your hurt, your not being able to understand his reaction are not to be diminished in importance. Listen to your thoughts and don't belittle them. As Master has told me on so many occasions, i didn't deserve the cards that were dealt to me in my life - but some of those cards i dealt myself by allowing others to hurt me and staying around to allow them to hurt me more. i could have walked out of my abusive marriage many years ago - in fact - i filed for a divorce 34 years ago, but i allowed my husband to talk me into trying again. Once he got me back, he developed a hold on me that i was unable to break. i was one of those women who silently suffered abuse so horrible that Master was horrified to the point He said it was a good thing He didn't know where my now ex is. Master and i were talking about our first 8 years together this past weekend. He honestly told me He didn't know if i would be able to come back to 'normal'. But because i was blessed to be found by this wonder man, the one who became not only my caretaker, but was the One who made and continues to make ALL decisions concerning my life. But, in accepting this mantle He accepts total responsibility for ALL His decisions and how they affect us (and me). He isn't perfect. He has made (and by His own voice has stated He will continue to make) mistakes but He will never make a decision which would intentionally hurt me. Because of this, He has my total trust and my undying love and loyalty. Sidney - don't you settle for anyone or anything less than what you deserve. Be patient. It took Master and me decades to find each - but it was worth the wait. Each morning i wake up and smile - and Master says "that smile" makes it all worthwhile. How awesome is that?!! You too will find your Someone. Believe that, internalize that, and keep on posting because we want to know you're doing okay. Please forgive this extended post. i seldom post (although i devour every post made by others and i am very active in being a silent admirer of (most) others in our tight knit community. This particular thread is so important to me personally. Somewhere out there is right One and He (or She) is looking for you and wishing He could find you. Give Him a chance to locate you. Be good to yourself so you will be able to see Him when your paths cross. Hugs my little sister. peachy Southern Star's peachy Edited 3 Jun 09, 3:31 PM by SStar_s_peachy 3 Jun 09, 3:46 PM Daniel SE, 3 yrs "In my heart I still think our relationship can surpass anything he and I have ever had and I am willing to work towards that.... However, some of my needs need to be met too. Is it all about the needs of the DOM? Our relationship often feels very one sided. Am I kinda missing the point?" No, you're not missing the point; you're right at it. But probably - like so many others that are being abused - the problem is expressed in the first sentence above. Devotion doesn't surpass the behavoiur of abusive personalities. That's just a too classical and well known a mistake that abused people make. You need to realize that for yourself. Unfortunately, web boards don't do the trick. They can be hepful, though. Leave the man at once. That's all I can advise. Hope you do this. Actually you're out of alternatives. Sincerely wish you well ~Still going wrong~ 4 Jun 09, 12:37 PM SL_precious CA, 3 yrs Sidney wrote: Thanks for the feedback. It has been very helpful. I'm also going to therapy and even went to a CoDA meeting. Someone said I should check it out. With everything I have read about D/s type of relationships... I'm not really in one... I'm just in a abusive relationship. My emotional state is not safe and I can't trust him. He has yet to acknowledged the email I sent even when I have asked if he could just let me know he received it. He still is kinda cold over the phone and is giving me some sarcastic hurtful jabs here and there. I'm done chasing him.. I have been the one doing the aftercare and have still yet to receive any for myself. He can't give me what he does not have to give...... Sweetheart.. i am afraid for you, this 'man' is completely selfish in his desire and has no regard for your well being.. if he is unable to keep you safe then you must remove yourself from the situation ...you were valid in your reaction.... the poor thing...he got a scratch!! Please pardon my anger ..but i think we should let one of our resident Sadistic Dommes loose on his ass ..let him know what true fear and helplessness feels like!...sorry i have teen daughters and that's the mom in me coming out Taking a deep breath i am happy that you are taking steps to care for yourself..dont give him another ounce of hope waiting ... there are good Masters out there...one is waiting for you *hugs* SL_precious 4 Jun 09, 3:30 PM sidney 3 yrs He and I spoke on the phone.. His tone was still very cold and I tried to communicate why I'm feeling insecure and that I did not want to go see him this weekend. He became colder and just said that he did not have the time to coddle me. I excused myself off the phone. But then he has already called twice this morning to tell me he loves me. Our relationship is broken and it's not my job to fix it. I'm truly feeling empty and alone without him. I just want to curl up at his feet and for him to tell me everything is going to be ok............ Edited 4 Jun 09, 11:28 PM by sidney Next page