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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Feeling like I've lost my master" 1 2 3 Feeling like I've lost my master (24) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. 17 May 09, 7:03 AM 483-608-929 US(OH), 4 yrs you entitle this posting losing your master but did you indeed ever really have Him. Both persons have to be interested in bdsm and M/s D/s for there to truly be that type of relationship present. i tried to make my exhusband the Dominant i wanted but guess what, he's now my exhusband. we can't force someone to be something they are not. you say your fiance does show dominance. Go with that and see the potential in what He shows. Talk openly and honestly between Y/you about what both of Y/you want and where Y/you hope the activities lead to. As submissives, we can often have very rich fantasy lives that fuel our desires and our hopes. you need to distinguish what you want to be real and what you really need to experience to feel fulfilled. And, what you are content to have just as a fantasy. Written by it with its Owner's permission. Thank you SIR. Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. Marilyn Ferguson Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together 17 May 09, 2:17 PM SeanT70 9 yrs 887-458-885 wrote: Do you think that it might just be laziness? Actually no; it could just be that he's plainly uninspired into being the kind of master he wants to be (because he feels pushed into being somethng he doesn't want to; a leather clad whip-wielding maniac, with full-kit of electrodes etc for example!); he can't 'be' a false master so does nothing about it; suffice to say that Phay is very much my Mistress, but doesn't have 'that much' to say about this nd other websites or books on the subject of domination, slavery and the like. Phay does things her way, and I bloody well know my place (emphasis, not directed) I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I really don't have that many other ideas. If he is truly sincere in his words, what else could there be? That's the point; it's not for you to get ideas - it's for him to get his own; has it ever occured to you that he might need pushing in the direction of nurturing him as a master by his own talent, not a 'plastic-fantastic' of the master you'd like him to be? By this I'm saying you might expect him to wield a whip, punish you, etc etc; if his way though, is to have a clean house, be served nice food, have a pretty looking woman, sex when he wants it, how he wants it, but with NO kink involved, because he can, then you should look to being fulfilled in that because he's stepping into the role you'd like him to. If he's expressing an interest and then walking away, my guess is because he finds what he reads just - plain - daunting. Back off, and go back with this new suggestion and stick with it; but then don't, whatever ya do, try and top, simply discuss. Discussion is good - always. Good luck with that, Sean. Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~ 20 May 09, 10:03 AM masterfiremaam US(WV), 5 yrs 887-458-885 wrote: Feeling like I've lost my master he has not become my master despite my best efforts. It his not your job to make him into anything. You simply cannot do this. Only you can decide if being a slave is such a part of you that to cut it off will damage you. Master Fire **The power of who we are can be intoxicating.** **The power of who we could be is humbling.** **Yet, we are assured we are exactly as we should be.** 21 May 09, 9:38 AM Ms_Valentine UK, 4 yrs masterfiremaam wrote: 887-458-885 wrote: Feeling like I've lost my master he has not become my master despite my best efforts. It his not your job to make him into anything. You simply cannot do this. Only you can decide if being a slave is such a part of you that to cut it off will damage you. Master Fire Exactly, if a person is just not into being dominant or desires to be a Master, then nothing will change that. Why should it? That is a fundamental part of a personality. It can't be shoehorned onto someone. If a man wants to be dominant and learn to be a Master, when given encouragement, he would grab it joyfully. If he doesn't and after all this while, hasn't then it is unlikely he ever will. I have two failed (if not terribly unhappy) vanilla marriages in my past and know without a shadow of a doubt,that I could never have a vanilla relationship again. NEVER! it would kill me inside. I wasted a lot of years to get to that point of self knowledge. I hope the OP realises that her boyfriend cannot be the 'soulmate' she says he is if this fundamantal thing is missing. 'Soulmates' are meant to be those people who replenish us inside and make us happy through and through. Incompatability in such a major area will only lead to long term unhappiness. I implore the OP to do what will be best for both her and her boyfriend long term and seek a man who can be what she needs and let her boyfriend free to seek the egalitarian relationship he so clearly wants. The path she is currently on will bring nothing but sadness and regret. Update: May 2009: How dull and full of fantasists is SD nowadays? I didn't like the old days where it was implied that D/s was lesser than M/s but Bloody Hell, the boards are full of shite nowadays. Still, I am not going to leave, if only because I am a stubborn woman. Is this REALLY the best we can do? 21 May 09, 6:21 PM MasterMars US(PA), 3 yrs Y! It just sounds like the boy friend is not a Dom and therefore not a Master of anything. In the words of that immortal philosopher POPEYE "I am What I am"and he is not a Dom and can not be change and certainly not by a slave. The slave has no Master the boyfriend does not enjoy,want or understand the responsibility , power and pleasure of the life Master Mars "Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow" Edited 21 May 09, 6:26 PM by MasterMars 27 May 09, 5:24 PM Master_SL CA, 5 yrs Well it seems you have many conflicts at the moment...I did notice you are but a young and vibrant 20 yrs of age so even though it is difficult, be patient. It is a good thing that you are waiting a couple of years before jumping into marriage darling as you will see your views change as you mature. Remember in any relationship...you arent going to change the other person no matter how much you try, you can only hope for a good fit with another that allows you both to grow. Good luck! 4 Jun 09, 5:18 AM CinnamonCain US, 3 yrs 887-458-885 wrote: He will express an interest in mastering me/being my master, and then he will do little to nothing about it. I have given him several "self help" books on mastering slaves, he does not seem to ever bring up anything mentioned. (I have read through most of them) However, I know that he has read them, so i'm not sure what more I can do. As I read through your posts and replies, I find myself wondering how he is in other parts of his life. Is he a dominant person overall? Confident? Self-controlled? Disciplined? Driven? Does he do other things that he expresses an interest in doing? Or is this a familiar pattern in his life? 4 Jun 09, 5:12 PM subbymentalist US(LA), 5 yrs You said he read the books you offered to him. To me, anyway, this in itself definitely shows interest. In my experience as a person with all vanilla friends and family, when confronted with any type of BDSM material, be it literature or video, most 'nillas i know pull a funny face and quickly change the subject. Even those who "are totally open-minded".If the two of you are truly compatible in every other way but here, it could be that he does have an interest, and may just have a few mental blocks of his own to overcome. The way some people are raised, this lifestyle can seem like a scary, alien thing, and their first natural instinct may be to shy away. It could even be that he feels embarrassed about fantasies and ideas and such. Open dialogue is the best tool in the world for solving anything. Even if a relationship is compatible in every other way, though, no one can stay happy for long repressing feelings and needs if they are truly cemented into their identity. - [Tm] 5 Jun 09, 12:43 AM hadrian US, 2 yrs Looking at your profile, you're still quite young. Barely younger than me (I'm 24). I'll ask simply: Are you *sure* he is your soulmate? I'm with a wonderful girl right now. She cares about me, she's patient with me no matter what I do, she's funny, smart, so many things. She's great with the family pets in a way nobody else I've ever seen can match. She's practical, and it also doesn't hurt that she's absolutely beautiful. But I get very little out of the sex. It's unfortunate, but the truth is, as much as we click, I've accepted that I'll be moving on. I want more, sexually. That's as good a reason as any. Being a sub shouldn't mean giving up your happiness. My understanding of the master/sub dynamic is that it exists because both people get fulfillment out of their roles. You said yourself that you're unfulfilled. You're young. Think on this. You have a right to an enjoyable life as a sub, with someone who will care for and dominate you properly. 11 Jun 09, 12:38 PM Malkinius US(IL), 5 yrs greetings..... 887-458-885 wrote: Honestly, I guess I don't know what to make of the responses. I mean, I don't want to make a debate out of the issue, so I guess i'll put it more plainly. I see my own emotional fulfillment (as a submissive) as not as important as my fiance's, but I do value it and see at least some sort of fulfillment as necessary for my happiness. I do not feel that I should live a life of unhappiness because of a lack of effort. That is indeed what I feel is at the crux of this problem. After speaking to him again, he has expressed a desire to be my master. However, he has yet to act. This seems to be the recurring problem. He will express an interest in mastering me/being my master, and then he will do little to nothing about it. I have given him several "self help" books on mastering slaves, he does not seem to ever bring up anything mentioned. (I have read through most of them) However, I know that he has read them, so i'm not sure what more I can do. Do you think that it might just be laziness? I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I really don't have that many other ideas. If he is truly sincere in his words, what else could there be? There are several possibilities here. First is that he wants to but can not get up the whatever to do so. Some people are not capable of mastering a slave even tho they can dom a sub or top a bottom. The reason for that is that M/s when done well doesn't turn off. D/s and T/b does. He might think that he doesn't have it in him to do the constant mastery that is needed. If he loves you, it could be that he doesn't want to do to you what a Master might need to do to his slave to keep her as he wants her. With kinky play...it is just that...play. It is safe, or at least safer for someone he cares about. Next is that he may not like or agree what those books have to say about mastery. I don't know which books you have but remember that there are many styles of mastery and he may feel like the style(s) in the books are not for him. Also, being a Master, like being a slave, is a set of learned skills. He may not currently want to put the work into learning/practicing those skills for many reasons. Thinking that he might fail to do them properly is a big reason for many people to not try. If he knows you have read the books as well, especially if you have read them before him, he may be thinking that you are trying to push him in a certain direction and he might be going along with you to keep you happy. He might also not want to follow them because you have read them. There are many possibilities. Only he knows, and he may not, the reason(s) why he is doing what he is doing. The suggestion that you ask him is a good one if you have not yet done so. Now...what are you two going to do about this problem? Good question. Without knowing why he is not following through...as you see it...you will assume many things, most of which are probably not true. Unless he feels/knows he can master you, he may not try. From a practical standpoint, he would do better to study IE here on the companion board to this forum than read many of the books about training slaves. Too many train through pain aversion and nothing much else. That method works but doesn't last long. You might do better to find someone to mentor him and help him train you. Those people are not easy to find who are competent and are willing to do so. In any case....good luck with this. Be well..... Malkinius Next page