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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Feeling like I've lost my master" 1 2 3 Feeling like I've lost my master (24) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Thu 14 May 09, 9:30 PM 887-458-885 US(IL), 5 yrs I've posted on here several times to ask for help, and I feel like this may be my last other than to try to give what advice I can to others. My journey has not been easy, and I fear that it will continue to be a depressing and unfulfilling one. Since I informed my boyfriend (now fiance) of my interest in BDSM, specifically D/s, a year and a half ago, we have made little progress. While he is, in both of our opinions, naturally dominant, he has not become my master despite my best efforts. I have come to the belief that he does not wish to be my master. I have tried my best not to "top from the bottom" and that has gotten me nowhere. I do not see any chance for a true D/s relationship any longer and this depresses me more than I can say in words. However, I love him dearly. I intend to marry him in a little over two years. I believe he is my soulmate - my perfect match in every way but this one... and even that I am unsure of. Sometimes I think that if he tried, if he actually wanted to dominate me, that we would mesh as well as we do in every other area of life. I guess my questions are, Does anyone else have any experience with a relationship like this? Does anyone have any suggestions or ways that I might feel fulfilled even if he will not be my dominant? I feel like even if he cannot be my master, I cannot leave him; and I can never have him as my lover/husband and another acting as my dominant - he will not allow it. Is there any way that I can feel fulfilled as a submissive, while, well, not being dominated? Nothing I have tried so far works. I have tried being "invisibly submissive" making sure he is relaxed and doing his laundry and gaining new skills to please him, but without his input, it all seems empty. Please help. Thank you. Edited Thu 14 May 09, 9:31 PM by 887-458-885 14 May 09, 10:05 PM El_Presidente UK, 3 yrs It sounds like D/s is pretty important to you. Are you *sure* he's your soulmate? It doesn't sound like that from the way you've described how unfulfilled you are. 14 May 09, 10:42 PM SeanT70 9 yrs You're being dominated - by not getting what you want, and you can't even see it; it's right there in front of you; your M is doing things *his* way. Gotta love domination, ain't'cha? Topping would'n't've gotten you anywhere fer shit; I know cos I've tried it. Enjoy simply the best relationship you're ever likely to have, won't you? Sean. Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~ 14 May 09, 11:05 PM El_Presidente UK, 3 yrs Sean Did you miss this bit?... My journey has not been easy, and I fear that it will continue to be a depressing and unfulfilling one. I'm not sure I understand what's good about being depressed and unfulfilled in any relationship; even an M/s relationship! Edited 14 May 09, 11:09 PM by El_Presidente 15 May 09, 2:44 AM PyroGX US(AK), 3 yrs I don't know that sean missed the whole point. But it is obviously lacking something.... Perhaps a little more role-play is necessary. We all know that the M side of 24/7 is just as much work as the s side. It may be that the finance isn't willing to put out that much effort! So instead of the full emotional commitment, you ask for some shorter term fantasy play. EVERY male has a fantasy, so you trade. He acts as a master for a weekend for you, you trade the fantasy he wants. It is slightly manipulative for the sub to engineer the situation, but if it is every meant to be; he may fall in love with the role and work to make it permanent. 15 May 09, 4:01 AM Nanu_Civet US(KY), 5 yrs If your partner made the choice to adventure in to this fully and in the end looked at you and ordered you to have a 'nilla relationship would you beable to follow the order. To me this simply comes down to coming to understand that his relationship if your choosing to submit is no longer about your wants it is about what pleases your owner even if that is just a 'nilla relationship. Try reading the book The Surrendering Wife it will help you I think find ways to feel some of the submission that you are seeking but with out "Topping from the bottom" or doing other things that may end up being harmful to the relationship. In the end it all comes down to talking to him finding out what is going on and being honest about how you are feeling and if he does not want to do it then you might have to live with that. but then again if he decided to do something and in the end of it all simply ordered you to be in a 'nilla relationship with him it would be no different than it is now. Master's Little Kitten 15 May 09, 4:57 AM Paper_of_the_Pen CA, 3 yrs Masters_LittleKitten wrote: Try reading the book The Surrendering Wife it will help you I think find ways to feel some of the submission that you are seeking but with out "Topping from the bottom" or doing other things that may end up being harmful to the relationship. I've read both this one and "Fascinating Womanhood"...or "woman"...I can't remember. To me I find it a bit confusing...in fact I sometimes feel M/s is confusing. What is what? At least these books guide you...even if your "Master" can't... I think you've given me food for thought. 15 May 09, 2:57 PM SeanT70 9 yrs El_Presidente wrote: Sean Did you miss this bit?... My journey has not been easy, and I fear that it will continue to be a depressing and unfulfilling one. I'm not sure I understand what's good about being depressed and unfulfilled in any relationship; even an M/s relationship! I simply said that clearly he wasn't budging in his position on the situation, and as such, he is to that end, dominant. Nothing more. As for depression, yeah, I got that part too, but having to internalise your deepest desires because you don't get what you need, or find what really makes you tick, and then when or if you find it having it trip you right up and spank you square on the arse and have you internalise it all over again to send you on the biggest rollercoaster you've ever been on can be like that at times. I know it very well. I have a long history of depression and I also get varying bouts of IE issues. But in thinking about it, life's like that really, huh? Going back to other parts of the OP, seriously, nd I'm not making light of this at all; it's not 'that' hard to get a quart in a pint pot (make things fit if you have the time, will, ingenuity, etc), but if you really have had enough, and are questioning whether or not you can cope with/out something, then you also have to question whether you can cope with the bigger picture surrounding it (the whole relationship, in a nutshell, because 'he' won't give ya what ya want now, so what makes ya think he will 'then') But wait, you did 'ask' for dominance, didn't you? And let me repeat just how depressing it can be... Time to think; shape up, or ship out; and I can say that because I've been there and done that too, making no finer point on the fact of my self-liberation after 14 years of non-M/s oppression, was an eye-opener, make no mistake. All the best to the OP in which ever way it goes - a chat is just a memo away. Sean. Lovingly Owned by ~Miss Phay~ 15 May 09, 4:19 PM MasterSmashed UK, 5 yrs 887-458-885 wrote: Feeling like I've lost my master I've posted on here several times to ask for help, and I feel like this may be my last other than to try to give what advice I can to others. My journey has not been easy, and I fear that it will continue to be a depressing and unfulfilling one. Since I informed my boyfriend (now fiance) of my interest in BDSM, specifically D/s, a year and a half ago, we have made little progress. While he is, in both of our opinions, naturally dominant, he has not become my master despite my best efforts. I have come to the belief that he does not wish to be my master. I have tried my best not to "top from the bottom" and that has gotten me nowhere. I do not see any chance for a true D/s relationship any longer and this depresses me more than I can say in words. However, I love him dearly. I intend to marry him in a little over two years. I believe he is my soulmate - my perfect match in every way but this one... and even that I am unsure of. Sometimes I think that if he tried, if he actually wanted to dominate me, that we would mesh as well as we do in every other area of life. I guess my questions are, Does anyone else have any experience with a relationship like this? Does anyone have any suggestions or ways that I might feel fulfilled even if he will not be my dominant? I feel like even if he cannot be my master, I cannot leave him; and I can never have him as my lover/husband and another acting as my dominant - he will not allow it. Is there any way that I can feel fulfilled as a submissive, while, well, not being dominated? Nothing I have tried so far works. I have tried being "invisibly submissive" making sure he is relaxed and doing his laundry and gaining new skills to please him, but without his input, it all seems empty. Please help. Thank you. It seems to me that this is something you are looking for and he is not, or generally not that interested in it. You cannot force him to be your master, despite how much effort you may put into it. If this is really important to you then you need to sit down and explain it, what it means, and how much it means to you. If he cannot provide it, there are other options you can both discuss. Where it goes from there is between both of you, and I will go no further than that as I don't want to put words in your mouth. 15 May 09, 6:10 PM El_Presidente UK, 3 yrs 000-874-172 wrote: Sensible stuff I see what you're saying now. There seems to be a recurring theme, around here, of people touting the belief that: A sub has no right to expect any satisfaction from a relationship other than the pleasure of knowing that their dominant is satisfied. That is the be-all and end-all of being a sub, and you should be grateful for the fact that you're dissatisfied. ...which is clearly bollocks. I thought that was what you were saying, but I'm pleased to acknowledge that it wasn't. 17 May 09, 5:36 AM 887-458-885 US(IL), 5 yrs Honestly, I guess I don't know what to make of the responses. I mean, I don't want to make a debate out of the issue, so I guess i'll put it more plainly. I see my own emotional fulfillment (as a submissive) as not as important as my fiance's, but I do value it and see at least some sort of fulfillment as necessary for my happiness. I do not feel that I should live a life of unhappiness because of a lack of effort. That is indeed what I feel is at the crux of this problem. After speaking to him again, he has expressed a desire to be my master. However, he has yet to act. This seems to be the recurring problem. He will express an interest in mastering me/being my master, and then he will do little to nothing about it. I have given him several "self help" books on mastering slaves, he does not seem to ever bring up anything mentioned. (I have read through most of them) However, I know that he has read them, so i'm not sure what more I can do. Do you think that it might just be laziness? I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I really don't have that many other ideas. If he is truly sincere in his words, what else could there be? Next page