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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Losing/Lost Respect of Slave" 1 2 Losing/Lost Respect of Slave (18) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Fri 6 Mar 09, 9:55 PM MasterRevolver US(CA), 4 yrs So I've had my slave for 9 months, and at first things were great and I had her respect and her submission. Since then, I've been having a lot of job difficulty, which resulted in her being the primary bread-winner for several months (I'm still sort of struggling financially). It became instantly difficult for me to discipline her or demand her respect as I let things slip, didn't correct her, and generally became her boyfriend more than her Master. Granted, she still calls me Master and will follow my orders, often times she is disrespectful to me just for a simple order that she just doesn't want to do. If my past self could come up and smack the taste out of my mouth for being such a pushover, I'd love it. I felt that since she was spotting the bill all the time, I should be nicer, and that snowballed into flat out disrespect. I've talked to her about this and everything, but that's not really changing things because I'm not willing to take the steps to dominate her if I'm not able to pull my own weight. But things need to change, for the sake of our relationship and our bondage life. I just love her so much...I just want her to be my wonderful, obedient slave again. 6 Mar 09, 11:04 PM MacCain 4 yrs MasterRevolver wrote: Losing/Lost Respect of Slave So I've had my slave for 9 months, and at first things were great and I had her respect and her submission. Since then, I've been having a lot of job difficulty, which resulted in her being the primary bread-winner for several months (I'm still sort of struggling financially). It became instantly difficult for me to discipline her or demand her respect as I let things slip, didn't correct her, and generally became her boyfriend more than her Master. Granted, she still calls me Master and will follow my orders, often times she is disrespectful to me just for a simple order that she just doesn't want to do. If my past self could come up and smack the taste out of my mouth for being such a pushover, I'd love it. I felt that since she was spotting the bill all the time, I should be nicer, and that snowballed into flat out disrespect. I've talked to her about this and everything, but that's not really changing things because I'm not willing to take the steps to dominate her if I'm not able to pull my own weight. But things need to change, for the sake of our relationship and our bondage life. I just love her so much...I just want her to be my wonderful, obedient slave again. The first thing I'd recommend is for you to get to a place mentally where you feel confident, and have a plan. The economy is in a bad state and you need to be realistic (as does she). Being the financial provider is often linked with dominance, often unnecessary so, some D/O/Ms are supported by their s types. It may have required a shift in duties, but in the end you both are who you are, and leading the way through the current situation is important. I'd also recommend sitting her down, asking her questions, and discussing the current situation. Doing this in a confident, calm, and dominant manner is essential. IMHO it is best that this is done without the use of bondage/kink accoutrements, and purely strenth of charecter and will. Ask questions, and listen, you don't have to address things immediately (as in during the discussion), formulate a plan, discuss it with her, and then take action. I'm sorry that I cannot offer you better advice than this. Hopefully others will have possibly better insight. Cheers, MacCain 7 Mar 09, 12:37 AM Eclectic1 US(ID), 4 yrs In reading your posting, I picked up on one thing you said that I will comment on. You mentioned demanding respect. Granted, this is from my perspective but respect is not something you can demand. It has to be earned, by both parties. How depends on the person's involved. Following the recommendation by Mac Cain (hope I got that right) it is something that could maybe be reinstated but it will require effort on both parts. Edited 7 Mar 09, 12:38 AM by Eclectic1 7 Mar 09, 1:35 AM Morniel US, 4 yrs Keep something in mind -- the tougher things are for a submissive, the more she NEEDS you to be her dominant. If she is sick, you may ease off chores, but you don't ease off control. If she is having an emotional roller coaster -- deaths in the family, life changes, etc -- you may display more affection but you don't ease off control. If she's the breadwinner, she ESPECIALLY needs you to be her dominant, because the stress of working, and knowing she's providing the finances and not you, and so on -- rocks her a little, and she needs the firm foundation and structure of the D/s and-or M/s dynamic. Guess how I know? *wink* Morniel's Special Place 7 Mar 09, 4:43 AM Master_Odin US(KS), 3 yrs MasterRevolver wrote: Losing/Lost Respect of Slave If my past self could come up and smack the taste out of my mouth for being such a pushover, I'd love it. <snip> but that's not really changing things because I'm not willing to take the steps to dominate her if I'm not able to pull my own weight. With the births of my first three children, I the sole breadwinner of the family was laid off a job. I say that so you will understand that I do understand where you are at, and to make what I am about to say perhaps seem not so cruel. Has she has lost respect for you, or have you lost respect for yourself, which is then reflected in her? As you yourself have said, the cure lies within you, not her. Selah. There is no authority, only responsibility. 7 Mar 09, 8:34 AM ravenkaldera US(MA), 6 yrs You don't have to support her, or even not have her supporting you, in order to be her dominant ... unless she's made it clear to you that she has no respect for a dominant who isn't also a breadwinner. Which would be somewhat superficial of her. Being a dominant is handling the situation, whatever that is. Managing her and her income like a resource is just as dominant as supporting her. I know. My boy supports me. Doesn't mean I'm not in charge all the way. She needs to lose her assumptions, if the above is the case. If it's not - if she doesn't care, if you're the only one who cares - then it doesn't matter. Just be in charge. You're her boss; be her boss. You think that you aren't contributing because you're not contributing financially? Money is unimportant to M/s. It is about survival, not worth and respect. People who base their worth on money end up in sad shape. You should be contributing to the relationship, all right - contributing management, leadership, caring, concern for her well-being, self-control, direction, goals for the two of you, confidence, boundaries, rules, communication, and a context wherein she can serve you. That's your real job. Do it right and I think you'll see how little the money matters. -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 7 Mar 09, 10:28 AM 483-608-929 US(OH), 4 yrs It's hard to be the main money maker in a relationship. I was placed in that situation unexpectedly and felt inwardly that I was trapped and had no way out of it and was even resentful that the relationship turned that way. Initially, this was the not the case in Your relationship and she probably didn't expect to have this responsibility put on her. It causes stress on both sides and it's a stress she didn't expect. If she is still taking care of the house/apartment 100% and also going to work each day, she may feel that she's not getting any help at all and that could be a source of resentment, too. Written by it with its Owner's permission. Thank you SIR. Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. Marilyn Ferguson Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together 7 Mar 09, 1:30 PM masterfiremaam US(WV), 5 yrs You have done what we've all done at some point in our lives: you have defined yourself by what you do (career/job) rather than by who you are. When you can learn to stop defining your self worth on outside things, then you'll begin to gain the confidence to Master through ANY situation. You're a human being, not a human doing (to quote Chopra). So, who are you? In order to answer that question, you have to start working to answer two others: 1) what do you want and 2) what are you willing to pay to get it. Many people think the price is giving up love or some other thing they see as a positive in their life. What they don't realize is that, most often, the price is something negative, like a core false belief. So, are you willing to give up the concept that you suck as a Master in order to become the Master you want to be? Master Fire **The power of who we are can be intoxicating.** **The power of who we could be is humbling.** **Yet, we are assured we are exactly as we should be.** 7 Mar 09, 1:48 PM EvaMaria US(CA), 3 yrs It's hard to comment not knowing more detail than you've offered in your post. How does she view your lack of employment? Does she feel it's a thing you could/should have prevented? Why does *she* think you don't have a new job? Are your finances such that two incomes are required? Being willing and able to provide for one's self financially is basic to personal power and self-determination. It doesn't have to be via gainful employment but it frequently is. Her method isn't the most effective but she is expressing some unhappiness/concern. Is she worried because she doesn't see you as having these qualities? Eva (The property formerly known as Camille ) 7 Mar 09, 5:32 PM ClairesCO UK, 3 yrs MasterRevolver wrote: I felt that since she was spotting the bill all the time, I should be nicer, and that snowballed into flat out disrespect. I've talked to her about this and everything, but that's not really changing things because I'm not willing to take the steps to dominate her if I'm not able to pull my own weight. I've a good friend who was under my command for a long time at work. Now amongst soldiers, we all rely on each other completely, but this man probably saved my life when I was wounded in action a good few years ago. I understand your instincts to change your relationship when something big happens to your personal circumstances, but this is one of those times when your head has to overrule your instincts. I still had to treat this man as I would any other person under my command. I would have ordered him into a dangerous situation just as readily before or after he helped me. if I'd allowed myself to change then the group would have become unsafe. Soldiers work on an unspoken principle that any of us do what we have to do. In my personal life I can treat him as a friend, in my professional life we're both soldiers and I was his CO. We get through this by knowing that any of us "would have" done the same. He did what he had to do. I would have done it for him if the situation had been reversed, and any of the men on patrol would have done it for any other. It doesn't matter if she's earning for you both at the moment. She's doing it for you just like you would do it for her. Circumstances are what they are. They might be different soon. You can thank her and appreciate what she's doing, but If you wouldn't look down on her if she wan't earning then you shouldn't expect her to look down on you now. Your relationship should carry on based on the fact that either or you "would do" whatever you have to do, even if it's her turn today. Will 7 Mar 09, 6:14 PM N_slavu 5 yrs MasterRevolver wrote: Losing/Lost Respect of Slave because I'm not willing to take the steps to dominate her if I'm not able to pull my own weight. Some good responses here. It appears and I only say appears because of limited info, that the issue is self esteem, related to being the bread winner. The off shoot of that is, do you indulge this self esteem issue on your own or is Your s, unwittingly undermining it? In any event what you speak of (again based on limited info) is only symptoms, to remove them, You excorsise the cause, so to speak.. We are not defined by the job go to; but, by how well we do whatever we're doing....so, You must be willing to carry the weight of being Dom, regardless of illusory social "standards". Next page