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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Expectations" 1 2 Expectations (11) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Mon 2 Mar 09, 2:33 AM delight AU, 5 yrs Hello again. i posted a few months ago that my husband and i were struggling to re-ignite the D/s flame within our relationship. We tried again, we failed again. My question is, is it wrong for me to have certain expectations of the man i am submitting to? Is it wrong of me to expect that he is going to put as much effort into improving himself as a Dominant as i am into learning how to be his submissive? i feel within myself that i am ( or was ) doing my damndest to give him what he wants, while he sits on high and does nothing but reap the rewards. Why is this a problem? It is a problem because there is nothing from him. No leadership, no control.. just what i perceive as indifference. Right now i am in the lowest of lows. I am craving his dominance, his control.. wanting some kind of outward display of it, but there is nothing. I have yelled and screamed and behaved terribly in the hope of some kind of reaction and all he tells me is that i'm not much of a submissve. Do i love him? Yes i do. We are married so leaving is not an option. How do i stop the feelings of resentment building when i feel that he gets what he wants but i am missing out? delight. previously known as Devero's delight 2 Mar 09, 3:29 AM Eclectic1 US(ID), 4 yrs Expectations of another especially based on your needs is almost always met with disappointment. You can't really expect to get tomatoes from a fig tree, gross exaggeration I know but just trying to make a point. In order for the expectations to be met there has to be a realistic and shared desire to meet those expectations. The question is are your expectations based solely on what you want and feel you need or are they shared desires? You don't need to answer here, the question is for you to think about. If they are based solely on your desires then maybe a mutual meeting ground might work if he is still interested in that type of relationship. There is a chance he has moved beyond that for some physical or emotional reason and just doesn't understand what is going on or doesn't know how to broach the problem. Please keep in mind these are just thoughts nothing more. 2 Mar 09, 3:47 AM delight AU, 5 yrs Eclectic1, thank You for Your reply. My expectations of him are not unfounded. He claims that this dynamic is what he wants also, if he had told me otherwise i certainly wouldn't be putting myself through the agony of trying to enforce it. If it is not what he wants then surely it is not too much of me to expect to be told that so that i can get on with my life. i don't need to be told what he thinks i might want to hear. He tells me that i am not a submissive (interesting that i was the perfect submissive when we were LDR and much of our relationship was o/l huh?) but i believe that i am, i just don't think he knows how to get it out of me. What is the point of being the most amazing submissive in the world if i don't have a Dominant who compliments that, or even appreciates it? always, delight. previously known as Devero's delight 2 Mar 09, 4:04 PM Eclectic1 US(ID), 4 yrs Funny thing about about ldr, typing on a computer you don't feel exposed or threatened like a person does when confronted face to face. In person one has to back up their talk. The reality of a real life relationship and its corresponding commitments and responsibility is a lot to deal with if not prepared. It's a big jump living a fantasy in one's mind and making it a reality. 2 Mar 09, 5:52 PM Red_Spark UK, 5 yrs delight wrote: Is it wrong of me to expect that he is going to put as much effort into improving himself as a Dominant as i am into learning how to be his submissive? No it is not wrong, it is perfectly reasonable. I think you need to talk a lot with your husband/Master about what you both want and need from the relationship. It could be as you imply that he is just lazy and wants to reap the rewards of having a 'slave' without putting in any effort. Or it could be that he feels that if he is supposed to be the one in control, it shouldn't be you trying to force him to do things he perhaps doesn't want or has no interest in doing. I don't know anything about your relationship or the way you live your lives, so I can't really say - but it depends on what both of your expectations are. For instance, he might not be very into the kind of dominant posturing like giving you orders, setting rules and punishing you for disobedience etc... Maybe he 'likes the quiet life', in which case it is closer to your duty as a slave to make sure that's what he gets - perhaps he wants a service-orientated slave who helps his life run smoothly but without it being all obvious like 'yes master' 'no master' and being dressed in rubber all the time, or whatever. Perhaps he finds it difficult to articulate what he wants and doesn't want. Perhaps he finds you hard to 'read' and doesn't know fully what you need. If you are the kind of slave who finds some things difficult and needs pretty firm treatment, and resist against him, perhaps he takes that as a signal that's the wrong path to go down, and instead backs off, when actually part of you is craving for him to push you further. On the other hand maybe he really is just lazy! 2 Mar 09, 6:25 PM mypretty UK, 4 yrs Y! maybe you need to focus on giving yourself to your Master. find submission in working hard to meet His needs - the pleasures of control can come from within as you concentrate your energy on meeting His needs rather than your own. learn to live with the yerning that He takes greater control of your life, because in doing so He will have assumed complete control and you will be His. 2365 2 Mar 09, 6:39 PM PuppyClaire UK, 3 yrs Hi delight, I'm new to this way of life and my fiance and I are making it up as we go along. Will would tell you that he's in a domiant role and not a dominant person, that he's the opposite half to my submissive side rather than dominating me. Before Will and I got back together (I left him for stupid reasons) I had a lot of time to think, and I tried to figure out the difference between who I am and what I want. I found it hard to figure out who you are from your posts. delight wrote: I am craving his dominance, his control.. wanting some kind of outward display of it, but there is nothing. There's a part of me that wants this too and feels so secure every time Will actively takes control. Mostly I keep looking for signs that he's enjoying it and not just doing it for me, but Will's nature is more thoughtful and he's just not the type to posture with me....funny considering his job, but then again maybe he gets enough of that at work. delight wrote: If it is not what he wants then surely it is not too much of me to expect to be told that so that i can get on with my life. If Will didn't want this lifestyle it still wouldn't change who I am. All I really need from him is for him to know I'm submissive and what makes me feel safe and loved. I need him to know how much I get from looking after him so he'll understand why I do what I do, and that when I'm stressed I'll look to him to take the lead and make me feel calm again. As long as he can do those things then I can be honest and be myself and I believe our relationship can work. The second quote made me wonder about what your life would look like if your husband didn't want to be dominant. I wondered if that was the question you needed to figure out. I wondered where the balance was between you needing to be submissive and wanting your husband to be overtly dominant. The comment most quoted at me when I've been struggling is that I won't do myself any favours by acting how I think a submissive should act, that I should be myself and only try to change those things that Will wants me to change. Will's been quite insistant on that with me too. I think that idea has helped things click in my head more than any other. I might have misunderstood you, I'm sorry if I did, I'm certainly learning from the forums that even though I have a submissive nature that not everyone in a D/s or M/s relationship would say they do. I hope you and your husband are able to work this out Claire 2 Mar 09, 7:04 PM SixThreeFive SE, 5 yrs I was going to write something very long to this, but every time I try, it just comes out in a very bad way. So, I'll simply applaud Claire, and add that it's not about what you want or expect or think it'll be like. It's about what he wants and what he thinks it'll be like. I went through much the same thing (I think at least, based on what you're telling us), and I got to the point where I had to choose. I could leave, and get what I thought I needed and how I thought I needed it, from someone else. I could leave, become single and spend time finding The Right Person. OR I could drop what I thought I needed and wanted, and be with my Owner, the way he wanted us to be. That is why I frequently tell myself and others that I don't give a flying fuck what I have to change or how I have to change. All I care about is that I'll be with my Owner. He is all that matters. I'll be happy - with him. The End. *squares jaw* To "normal people" (the 'nillas), that sounds mad. I am actively loosing everything I thought was me. But see... everything I think and feel and think I am... those are all perceptions. Perceptions aren't *reality*. The reality is that who I am is not based on my personality, nor my thoughts, wants, needs, actions, beliefs, emotions, looks, and so on. Those are all changable, so they can't be who I am. Effectively then, changing those things won't be a problem. I will still consider the person I become to be me. And that person will be someone who is everything my Owner wants her to be, which means she's not nessecerely what I thought I'd become or needed to become. Eh - ranting again. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Smile, it confuses people. 2 Mar 09, 7:18 PM Daniel SE, 3 yrs delight wrote: My question is, is it wrong for me to have certain expectations of the man i am submitting to? Is it wrong of me to expect that he is going to put as much effort into improving himself as a Dominant as i am into learning how to be his submissive? I think Red Spark anwered your question well. Just want to add acouple of things: You're hell right to have expectations. As I see it, the only thing that an owner just can't get away with is indifference. He or she can get away with just almost anything but not indifference. Indifference is a sign of control lost. Actually. A situation where A gives away all of her/his life an all of her/his personal decisions to B is not a case when B can afford to be indifferent. DEPRESSION? I don't know your details, but look for example at these diagnostic criteria for depression at http://stason.org/TULARC/health/mind/depression-... Depression can hit anyone. If this is the case, then maybe you should get him to a doctor/psychiatrist? There are treatments that actually work: nr one, medications, according to research, and number two CBT. (Not Cock and Ball Torture, bur Cognitive BehavioraTherapy - there's a slight difference between the two, LoL) Maybe he's a good Master that need treatment, as can anyone need? Just thoughts I wanted to share. ~Still going wrong~ 2 Mar 09, 8:15 PM N_slavu 5 yrs delight wrote: Expectations Hello again. i posted a few months ago that my husband and i were struggling to re-ignite the D/s flame within our relationship. We tried again, we failed again. My question is, is it wrong for me to have certain expectations of the man i am submitting to? Is it wrong of me to expect that he is going to put as much effort into improving himself as a Dominant as i am into learning how to be his submissive? i feel within myself that i am ( or was ) doing my damndest to give him what he wants, while he sits on high and does nothing but reap the rewards. Why is this a problem? It is a problem because there is nothing from him. No leadership, no control.. just what i perceive as indifference. Right now i am in the lowest of lows. I am craving his dominance, his control.. wanting some kind of outward display of it, but there is nothing. I have yelled and screamed and behaved terribly in the hope of some kind of reaction and all he tells me is that i'm not much of a submissve. Do i love him? Yes i do. We are married so leaving is not an option. How do i stop the feelings of resentment building when i feel that he gets what he wants but i am missing out? delight. I'll not comment on His position for obvious reasons. So I will only speak directly of you and your evidence. It does appear to me that you are attempting to dominate, even noting that you are trying to force issues that will have him react in a way that suits your expectation. How's that working for you? and ... IF it did work, then who is in control? Certainly, you must see that you are not, otherwise it would be working and indeed you'd be the one in control by virtue of your behavior. Not very submissive. The is no love in anger, or control. (one could argue them being 'results' of love's intent, but that's another issue) you will only find it, love, in submission. Seriously, even a D/M knows that when He feels love it is because of His submission to it. Exposed, vulnerable, submission, holds love. You will find love no where else. It is the amazing wonder of submission. When you feel the need to control, or to get something for you, it, love, is lost. one's expectations of others are most often transferred inner voices spurring personal improvement. What you project outward is best turned inward first. good luck. Next page