This page sponsored by JT's Stockroom    [other banners]

	TSR : Web boards : Internal Enslavement : "." . (3) This post is on the Internal Enslavement web board. Thu 19 Feb 09, 4:21 PM tangie 9 yrs . Edited Sat 17 Oct 09, 7:40 AM by tangie 19 Feb 09, 10:00 PM 201-997-618 3 yrs tangie - thank you so much for this post and giving me the beginnings of understanding of what it is to be an emotional masochist - i've been so confused inside myself since being told here that i must be one in the highest degree but i didn't look into at the time (i felt personally insulted without even knowing what it was lol) but now i'm greedily reading everything i can since i could relate so much to this post. my slavery runs in such emotional circles and i've always cried within myself why am i like this, why do i react like this, why does it hurt so much at the time and why is it soooo good afterwards - i'm far from good at expressing well so just wanted to thank you and say i'm looking forward to everyone's views and experiences 20 Feb 09, 4:13 PM subluna SE, 3 yrs Tangie: i have an experience like yours: In my younger life, i was a slave under a very strict but skilled Domina for about one and a half year. Mistress and i had negotiated only one limit: That she would never humiliate me in public. Obviously she was not happy about such a limitation of her rights. But she was strict, not only towards me but even herself. So she kept her word. … for about one year. But then… We seldom went downtown together but for once we did and struck upon a pair of her female friends. A lively conversation occurred and one of Her friends, a lovely very vivacious woman, directed herself to me and as i was flattered and she was very much to my liking, i responded politely to her advances. This was more than Mistress could accept. She derided me openly and i saw the poor woman staying crestfallen when i was sent home like a child. i obeyed like a beaten dog. What else could i dare? With a laud voice i heard Her throw after me: “And stay home until i arrive!” Never before or later in my life i have been deeper humiliated. This violation of my limit was hard for me do bear. i drifted into a dull temper but carried out my duties as best i could. Probably she bore a bad consciousness but was to proud to beg pardon. We lived side by side in silence for some days. i even considered the possibility of breaking our relation. As i had no right to do so i told myself that as she had broken our (verbal) contract i was released from my duties. Now, this was forbidden thoughts. Impossible to hose such thinking. i became thrown into a turmoil of contradictory feelings of shame and duty. Still i was slave and she Divine. But, as i thought, i took myself together and that evening i decided to take the big step to break up. Next morning, it would say. And now the impossible happened! i woke in the morning with a hard on, hopelessly involved in slave feelings, unable to control my inner life. Mistress was Divine. Cruel or not, i could not go against Her. i did not know if i did not dare or if i did not want to do it. My slavery ego forbade me. i was hopelessly sexually aroused and could not rule out what way was the right one to take. My world was a quagmire. Breakfast had to be prepared and i tried to calm my nerves. Tea and sandwich was served and suddenly, in an attempt to solve my problems, i fell to my knees and asked forgiveness. Mistress confirmed with a brief nod. In my eyes she was unable to do wrong. The fault was mine! This episode changed me. i became shy for outings. (i am afraid i still bear the consequences of it). We talked about it and i agreed to submit humiliations if we met people that were aware of the meaning of SM. Of course i could not be forgiven everything of my violation against our contract. Her steadfastness impressed me and i worshipped her still more. i could not help myself. i luxuriated in feelings of inferiority and shame. And… it eased me from a burden. Might be i even enjoyed the way she had humiliated me. Sounds silly but you can't grab your most deeply rooted feelings subluna 26 Feb 09, 2:00 AM Mistress_Tiara 5 yrs Hi Barbara, I found your post really interesting, and have now re-read it several times. I still don't think I'm fully understanding it though so would like to ask a few questions. tangie wrote: While I "get off" on some forms of emotional pain, I don't do so in "scenes." There's a mantra I've had for a long time: "it has to be real." I'm sure other masochists understand what I mean, but to clarify: I don't want to be hurt. I will cry. I'll feel deep pain for a time, maybe a matter of a few days. I'll want to run away, to hide--but after the pain subsides, then the pleasure! This bit is my way in to understanding I think (hope) as I too have no real interest in 'scenes'. The part about genuinely disliking the pain at the time, then feeling a sense of pleasure that it has happened some time after the event is familiar to me too, as my boy experiences the same thing with regard to physical pain. I've always interpreted this for him as being about enjoying the power of the act and what it stands for to him (which is why it needs to be real rather than a scene) rather than him enjoying his nerve endings being ignited. So I'm wondering if this is the same process at work with your response to emotional pain - that you strongly dislike the pain, but afterward enjoy the power of William's ownership of you that it reinforces and represents? tangie wrote: I went into a head-space that I can't explain and don't understand, but it was a life altering experience. I knew I was his, I knew beyond doubt at that point in my life that I was a masochist, and I knew that while I never wanted to experience that pain again I would embrace it if it happened. I consider myself relatively healthy. I don't see this part of me as being sick, something to be therapied out of my psyche. I don't want it gone, I rather like it lol. I think my boy's had similar responses after extreme physical pain, so again there seems to be some kind of parallel. His response to such overwhelming physical pain is to fear it, dread it, find the process of receiving it absolutely overwhelming and that it 'breaks him down' (to use his words), and hope to avoid it wherever possible, but to also gain some deeper psychological response as a result of it so that if it occured again he would 'welcome' that part. Is this parallel anywhere on the right lines? I find your post very interesting and am hoping to find a way to understand it better, so I hope so Hope you are well, Tiara 'If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these together ought to be able to turn it back and get it right side up again'. Sojourner Truth.