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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "criteria for finding a master/slave" 1 2 3 criteria for finding a master/slave (29) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board (moved from Internal Enslavement). Tue 3 Feb 09, 4:29 PM Andrin DE, 3 yrs When looking at the SD! Personal Ads page I find it rather bewildering that about 75% of the search criteria are directly or indirectly linked to sexuality, even mostly to “kinks”. But very few are concerning M/s relationships outside sexuality. Sexuality certainly is a big driving force in M/s relationships. But it just isn't all. As a matter of fact, it just is a small portion of the day (at least mine). Which criteria of masters and slaves outside sexuality influence your choice? Which characteristics would you consider on being vitally important? There are several threads that cover virtues of slaves or masters. But what role do/did they play in your search for the partner? Which MUST-HAVEs or MAY-NOT-HAVEs set the boundaries for the decision making? Andrin 3 Feb 09, 6:02 PM goreankajira US(OH), 4 yrs Y! Andrin wrote: criteria for finding a master/slave When looking at the SD! Personal Ads page I find it rather bewildering that about 75% of the search criteria are directly or indirectly linked to sexuality, even mostly to “kinks”. But very few are concerning M/s relationships outside sexuality. Sexuality certainly is a big driving force in M/s relationships. But it just isn't all. As a matter of fact, it just is a small portion of the day (at least mine). Which criteria of masters and slaves outside sexuality influence your choice? Which characteristics would you consider on being vitally important? There are several threads that cover virtues of slaves or masters. But what role do/did they play in your search for the partner? Which MUST-HAVEs or MAY-NOT-HAVEs set the boundaries for the decision making? Andrin i like this topic, and most importantly how your have brought up that the sexual part of the relationship is just a small part of the picture. It took me a long time to figure out what i really wanted and with searching for a Master i had found myself very frustrated at the fact that many of the ones i would meet seemed to be looking for only one thing. i think thats a huge part of why i'm wiht the Master i'm now with. He took the time to get to know me and we went out and did "normal" things that made us able to get to know each other in other areas than just our sexual compatibility. As far as certain characteristics i wanted the top few were a sense of humor and trust worthiness. The qualities that would turn me away were those who were too controlling right off the bat. sorry but i refuse to someone until i get to know them enough to trust them and i have ran into one in particular that wanted me to sign a contract with him within the first five minutes of us meeting, Hell, at that point i had barely figured out his eye color let alone if i could trust him. 3 Feb 09, 8:30 PM Mistress_Tiaras_boy 5 yrs Hi Andrin, great question. When i met Mistress i was not looking for a relationship let alone one where i would be an 's'type, but it happened. When i realised how i felt about Her i considered a number of characteristics that would be vital for us to progress into an M/s relationship, the first issue being that we both really wanted it in equal measures and understood what it meant to both of us. A) Characteristics i considered important : Trustworthiness, honesty, integrity, commitment, flexibility, patience, humility, natural dominance, intelligence, compassion, common sense, sense of humour, likeability, compatability, determination, and resilience. B) Necessary Abilities : To be able to take and maintain control, to train and determine training needs, to communicate effectively , to deliver discipline and correction, to command and maintain respect, and to remain calm and in control. C) Must not have list : The opposites of any of the characteristics in list A) above. i am sure i have left some things out, if i have left out any that come to me later i will edit accordingly. Best wishes, n Mistress Tiara's beloved boy. 3 Feb 09, 10:28 PM x_Ancilla_x 3 yrs I agree about the emphasis on sexuality Andrin. I think it's interesting that you're asking what personal qualities of Masters and slaves people may be looking for outside the sexual ones, rather than what qualities for a relationship generally, such as might appear on a vanilla dating site. I find it difficult for one not to run into the other. One quality a Master has to have for me personally, is an intelligence greater than mine. It's probably been discussed on this forum in the past whether people feel they can submit to someone who they believe is less intelligent than themselves. I can't. He also has to be free of addictions and dysfunctional behaviours. If someone can't get themselves psychologically healthy, how can they take care of a slave? To the extent that he has blind spots about his own behaviour and its causes, this will also affect his relationships, including that with his slave(s). I think he also has to be capable of realistic appraisal of himself, external situations and his slave's state and capabilities. Perhaps many of these things come with maturity. For me he would also have to be able to experience and exercise compassion and empathy. Rather chilling to have total control over someone if he doesn't possess these. So this would mean his having warmth and humanity. I'd have to be able to trust him, so this would entail his having consistency, honesty and demonstrating appropriate moral values in his actions. I think also a high degree of compatibility is important, and not just in sexual matters. Personalities have to be compatible. n also mentions natural dominance. This was also important for me. I'm not comfortable with trying to make someone what they're not to meet my own needs. My Master and I didn't meet in an M/s or BDSM context. I wasn't even looking, but his dominance and personal force bowled me over from the minute we met. I also want someone who's articulate since I think the dynamic underlying M/s is complex and needs able communication. The M/s dynamic presupposes also that he's perceptive, since he has to be able to know his slave well. At this point I'm probably beginning to repeat qualities that have already been mentioned or am in danger of resorting to vanilla personals ads type language like GSOH etc. I'll come back if I think of anything more. 3 Feb 09, 11:52 PM JRCs_petk HK, 4 yrs Y! Fantastic topic Andrin. When seeking my Owner, sexual attraction was not by any means at the top of my must have list. Yes, it is important, however longevity requires a lot more than sexual chemistry. I have to agree with Ancilla's emphasis on intelligence. For me, it was paramount that I find an Owner who I would not outgrow. When I stumbled across my Owner, I was attracted to him initially in the following order: He appeared to be honest I trusted him His intelligence was like a beacon He made me laugh He was committed to personal growth and bettering himself The conversation just flowed, hours upon hours of it He understood the fluff in his own navel He was worldly He was stable, emotionally, physically and financially There was sexual chemistry There are many more qualities that I endear in my Owner, however they were not what I deem to be 'essential' in order to progress with getting to know one another. I generally found that most undesirable D types would show their true colours in their very first contact with me, in most cases it was a lack of intelligence or knowledge. Cheers, kim Edited 3 Feb 09, 11:56 PM by JRCs_petk 4 Feb 09, 12:25 AM MasterJRC HK, 3 yrs Y! My pet Not wanting to chew up space in the forum, however, the term "was", am I now a has been ? 4 Feb 09, 12:41 AM JRCs_petk HK, 4 yrs Y! Not yet. Besides, at worst I'll always love you for your body :P 4 Feb 09, 12:58 AM x_Ancilla_x 3 yrs Awwwwww you two Thank you for mentioning a commitment to personal growth Kim. I forgot to mention that! It's important to me too. 4 Feb 09, 2:38 AM mokvohk US(WA), 6 yrs Y! Oh my goodness . . . there's too much criteria for me to list . . . <chuckling> In my case, i'm seeking a loving D/s relationship, M Andrin, and i'm excessively picky, hehehe. i'm looking first for a compatible personality between (Her) and i, a like-mind in Their intellect, and then all the rest . . . . . . physical attraction (all in the eyes, for me) . . . compatible co-living . . . long-term goals . . . preferences on the stereo . . . etc, . . . etc, <still chuckling> . . . so many criteria . . . She's surely just around the corner . . . >,< - mok [edit] . . . i should consider looking at those personals someday . . . my submission is a gift, granted out of love. Edited 4 Feb 09, 2:39 AM by mokvohk 4 Feb 09, 3:23 AM ravenkaldera US(MA), 6 yrs Here's what I was looking for in a slave when I was last looking: Intelligent and a quick study. Genuinely submissive - really wants someone else to be in charge. Genuinely service-oriented, gets lots of emotional benefits from serving in and of itself. I like a "positional"-type slave. Able to make sacrifices for my comfort if necessary. Extremely honest and straightforward, doesn't play head games. In fact, "hates manipulative head games" was a plus. Not overly emotional or overly sensitive - I prefer emotionally sturdy, more of a thinker than a feeler, as I am; someone who can be objective and not take things personally. (So, of course, in light of this one and the last one, I ended up with an Aspie! Wouldn't you know.) Introspective and self-aware, is comfortable with psychological processing. Verbal and articulate. Good problem solving skills. Able to be well-behaved in public (by my specific standards). Able to make a commitment and stick it out - loyal and persistent. Experienced in polyamory and fine with me having other lovers. Has or is able to learn skills that would be useful to me. Good dirty sense of humor. Not squeamish. Decent self-esteem. While a few dents in the self-esteem are OK and fixable, major self-esteem issues were just not what I was willing to take on at that time. Ditto major pathological trust issues. Not actively and uncontrollably mentally ill. Not too physically disabled - that sounds unfair, but I'm the disabled one and I specifically wanted someone who was sturdy enough to do those things for me. Physically affectionate and reasonably body-centered - enjoys nonsexual touching. Male of center but still slightly feminine. I like girly-boys. I didn't care so much about how stunningly attractive they were - I'm very flexible and have been attracted to a lot of people, but they had to find *me* attractive. Sexually adaptable. It wasn't so much that I wanted someone who could do X or Y as that I wanted someone who was flexible and imaginative and could enthusiastically get into whatever perverted thing I might come up with today. However, being enough of a pervert that they wouldn't be horrified by my level of perversion, that was important. I don't think that someone who was basically vanilla would be happy with *me*. Spiritually aware, had a spiritual path of *some* kind which would not conflict with mine, nor with our power dynamic. Respects my work and is fine with being put second to it, and being made into support staff for it. Finds emotional benefits in being part of something larger. Would enjoy living on a little communal farm in the middle of nowhere (and that includes doing farm chores), with alternating periods of quiet isolation and the mad influx of people for public events. Sees the things that I specifically have to offer as a dominant - strict code of honor, brutal honesty, sadism, a built-in family and community, being the assistant of a public speaker, and all the other things that would take too long to list - as serious pluses, not just nice side effects. I got all of those, without settling. I got a damn good boy. However, the original list also had "heavy masochist" on it. That, I didn't get. After some reflection, I decided that I could get that any number of places, and it wasn't worth it to turn down everything on the above list just because of that one kink. So, in a way, the only specific sexual kink I listed got jettisoned for all the other things on the list, and I'm not the least bit sorry. Because now I have a service-oriented boy who will find masochists for me to play with, tie them up for me, and perform sexually with them for my entertainment. What's to compromise? Postscript to the "able to make sacrifices for my comfort" thing: We got a new puppy 3 days ago. The first night, she cried all night because she missed her mom and siblings. it wouldn't have been so much of a problem except that I was ill that night and being unable to sleep made me worse, and I was quite bad the next day. Night after that I slept through without trouble. Got up in the morning and discovered Joshua on the floor in a sleeping bag, curled up with the puppy. He'd spent the night on the floor after I passed out, to keep her quiet so that I could sleep. As to what Joshua looks for in a dominant, he wrote an article about that some years back, and it's here: http://paganbdsm.org/goodmaster.html -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 4 Feb 09, 6:26 PM anjuli UK, 4 yrs Andrin wrote: criteria for finding a master/slave When looking at the SD! Personal Ads page I find it rather bewildering that about 75% of the search criteria are directly or indirectly linked to sexuality, even mostly to “kinks”. But very few are concerning M/s relationships outside sexuality. Sexuality certainly is a big driving force in M/s relationships. But it just isn't all. As a matter of fact, it just is a small portion of the day (at least mine). Which criteria of masters and slaves outside sexuality influence your choice? Which characteristics would you consider on being vitally important? There are several threads that cover virtues of slaves or masters. But what role do/did they play in your search for the partner? Which MUST-HAVEs or MAY-NOT-HAVEs set the boundaries for the decision making? Andrin Interesting observation Andrin and one I had noted myself. But something that is a problem for doing anything other than what's there now is... just ticking a box saying honesty or integrity or compassion is not going to help either. All the things people have highlighted as important are of this nature... things that have to be demonstrated or gleaned by the s-type through intelligent enquiry, time and patience and knowledge of the M in question. They lose their value if simply 'claimed' by all and sundry as the currency of the good dominant. You're right that kink is the least of the issues really and I think everyone is spot on in what matters and I'd just be typing 'What he/she said' for each points if I essayed an answer of my own. So I'm wondering if there are any practical lessons or thoughts to be taken from that? Is there anything constructive we can learn or anywhere we can take the discussion that will develop it from here? Do we need for instance to look at how some of the common ones could be established? anjuli *** The quality of strength lined with tenderness is an unbeatable combination, as are intelligence and necessity when unblunted by formal education. *** Maya Angelou *** Next page