The Top 100 BDSM / Fetish Books    [other banners]

	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "Seeking the Illusive Third" 1 2 Seeking the Illusive Third (17) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Fri 24 Oct 08, 2:33 AM 000-446-713 US(IN), 8 yrs Almost every M/s couple I know seems to be seeking a long term thrid, and we are no exception. I thought this would be a good board to open this discussion on, becuase this community is less 'personal ad' driven than some others, and more M/s-ish. But, I might bring it up in other communities as well. Here is something I have noticed, in those communities where everyone has a profile which is essentially a personal ad, about the ads where someone is loooking for a third. Very often the whole ad is very off putting, and basicly, if I were looking (and when I was single and looking, I did date a few couples, I was very open to joining a couple) would make me wonder 'why would I want to join these people?' In the cases I am speaking of, the entire ad, generally written by the already in place submissive, is a chest beating display on her part, where she asserts her authority, her superior place, and tells YOU, the slave she has never met and is so desperately looking to find, all the limiations you will accept on your relationship and your life. How hard is this to understand? If that 'third' is so hard to find, you are going to have to bring something to the table - tell her why she would WANT to be part of your family. I think too many times, the slaves in these relationships have a vanilla mindset. They were taught, as vanilla women, that every woman out there wants to steal their hubbies, and they must be ever vigilant and guard against that. If they went through a swinging phase, they learned, they were allowed to set whatever rules made them comfortable - and they found that was fine with everyone involved, and they still had no trouble finding partners. Now they put those together for this search - there will no doubt be women pounding on their door to get in, they must be ever vigilent to keep the one they let in from stealing away Master. Here's the thing - swinging is a night of fun. Joining a poly house is chosing a life of love and compantionship. If it wouldn't make you happy, why do you think you will find someone else? What are you offering that will make her happy and fulfilled? 24 Oct 08, 9:02 AM EvaMaria US(CA), 3 yrs Although I'm not knowledgeable re: poly relationships, what you say here makes good sense to me. It's a characteristic of human nature that's easily overlooked, I think. But my one question would be, why credit the assumed belief (I think your assumption is reasonable) solely to the slave? After all, there is a dominant partner the slave (ostensibly) speaks for as well. Camille 27 Oct 08, 4:56 AM Master_Odin US(KS), 3 yrs 000-446-713 wrote: Seeking the Illusive Third Almost every M/s couple I know seems to be seeking a long term thrid, and we are no exception. <snip> Joining a poly house is chosing a life of love and companionship. If it wouldn't make you happy, why do you think you will find someone else? What are you offering that will make her happy and fulfilled? Many good points. My slave and I are looking for our first (and hopefully last) poly relationship. We are not looking for a "second or beta female", but another female slave sister to complete our house. The only hierarchy we expect to have is Master and slaves. As Master, being responsible for all, my greatest concern is finding a comfortable fit for all that provides happiness for all. Only then can it endure. I would be interested in your opinion of my slave's profile and how we worded our desires. She is slave nebulina 551-205-876. There is no authority, only responsibility. Edited 27 Oct 08, 5:01 AM by Master_Odin 27 Oct 08, 3:18 PM anjuli UK, 4 yrs Well, funny how sometimes someone says something and you think, 'Bloody hell, why haven't we spelled it out this way before?!?!' Brilliant point OP! Well said. Those advertising for a third need to put themselves in HER position and think what she might be looking for, what she needs to make her happy and fulfilled - and therefore everyone else in the household - rather than just what THEY want and desire. If someone tried to get you to take on a dog as a pet by telling you how much you had to feed and water it and how often, that you have to walk it twice a day come rain, hail or snow, what you needed to buy at the outset, and how much the vets bills would be if you didn't keep it healthy rather than what you GET from owning a devoted and loyal and loving dog, you'd probably tell em to bugger off wouldn't you? Doesn't seem so hard to grasp does it? That people need to know what's in the deal for them? And yet the OP is right, it does seem to sail past most people who are looking when they write their ads. Even Odin who's asked for feedback has not quite got there yet. Where's the info on your own profile Odin? You need a united front for this to make it clear you are both keen and looking together and because the third will want to hear your view and get a flavour of both of you. And your s's profile still seems to imply that you think that she would enjoy having a girl to play with. Now that's fine but if I said to YOU, My M would enjoy another M to experiment and learn with so would you like to join our household, you'd rightly wonder what the hell I was talking about, wouldn't you? These relationships need to be thought about and drawn as fully functioning, rounded relationships, with individuals, human beings, with their own agendas and needs and desires and wants too, and the advert needs to show that kind of maturity and understanding or anyone worth their salt will never ever bother. Let me just say that if we were looking ours would go something like this... J is <this kind> of M. a is <this kind> of s. Our relationship and dynamic work something like <this>. We like <these things> and dream of expanding our family and have the room in our home and our hearts and minds for a girl like <this>. We can offer security, comfort, a good home and a life with a Master who is experienced, intuitive and sensitive and a sister who is open and loving and ready to welcome another. We're looking for <these things> in return. Talk to us about how you might fit in. I think all the business about laying down the law is pointless at this stage. It goes without saying that if the fit is not right, nothing will be happening. And the idea that you could jump right in and collar another without developing a relationship and trying things out is just daft. The OP is spot on. People need to think a great deal more if they are serious. anjuli ps. Hi everyone. <waves> Nice to be back altho we could happily have stayed on holiday for a couple more weeks!!! It was wonderful. <happy smiles> ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 27 Oct 08, 10:52 PM Remoses US(PA), 6 yrs Finding a suitable third member for a poly household is SUPPOSED to be elusive! It should not be easy! It was not easy to find your primary mate, how much harder will it be to find someone who is compatible with TWO of you?! If that is what you want to do...one can only guess at the reasons...try to be as appealing and as worthy of another person's interest as you can make yourself. This is especially true when you are trying to attract a third party to your family. Unless you are wealthy, you have to offer something REALLY SPECIAL. I mention wealth, because a man's wealth has historically been a strong inducement in traditional poly households. But failing great wealth, the two of you have to be really appealing to a third person. And you have to be certain that you can manage the third person in your home. That is no small task. I know, I've done it. And I'm going to do it again. Yeah, I know...I'm quite the prize Myself, aren't I? Well, I'll tell you this. I am a decent and honorable man. I am generous with My affection; I am honest; I am brave and willing to take risks. I am not timid and I try to avoid mincing words and acting in a way that is undesirable. I have plenty of faults...some of them are significant. But I own my faults and I do not deny them. Only someone dishonorable would attempt to conceal and obfuscate... So it SHOULD be hard to find that elusive third. It should not be easy. She should give you every reason to work hard to earn her trust. It is not an easy thing that we do. But if it were easy, then anyone could do it...and they can't. Poly households are hard for a reason. Most people shouldn't be involved in them. It's a lot of work, it's a lot of risk and it can really hurt the very people you should care most about. And you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! Most of us guys can only think with our dicks...not a good idea... So for the vast majority of us, it would be best if we got our heads out of our asses and realized that this thing we do is not for kids or beginners or people without a lot of guts. But for those who can make it work, well, good for them. But just beware. Remember… I don't ask for much, I only want love, but you know it don't come easy! Ringo had it right! I am Remoses. Just because it's inconvenient, doesn't mean it's not required. Quod principi placet legis habet vigorem (The pleasure of the prince has the force of law.) **Pronounce it: Ray-mosay.** 28 Oct 08, 2:46 AM Master_Odin US(KS), 3 yrs anjuli wrote: Even Odin who's asked for feedback has not quite got there yet. Where's the info on your own profile Odin? You need a united front for this to make it clear you are both keen and looking together and because the third will want to hear your view and get a flavour of both of you. And your s's profile still seems to imply that you think that she would enjoy having a girl to play with. Thank you. I asked for input because I am new to discussion boards like this. We put most of the information in nebulina's profile as that is what we saw most of while we were lurking. But the point is well take. I will work on my side as well. Just as an aside, nebulina and I are in initial contact with a possible other slave for our household. A bit of an infatuation stage, but there appears to be solid potential in it. A few special challenges in logistics, but the compatibility seems to be reasonably there, (so far). Only time will tell. There is no authority, only responsibility. Edited 28 Oct 08, 2:47 AM by Master_Odin 28 Oct 08, 2:54 AM Master_Odin US(KS), 3 yrs Remoses wrote: Poly households are hard for a reason. Most people shouldn't be involved in them. It's a lot of work, it's a lot of risk and it can really hurt the very people you should care most about. And you know what? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! Most of us guys can only think with our dicks...not a good idea... So for the vast majority of us, it would be best if we got our heads out of our asses and realized that this thing we do is not for kids or beginners or people without a lot of guts. But for those who can make it work, well, good for them. I agree and fully expect the road to be long and hard. nebulina and I had been discussing this for years before we finally decided it was time to quit dreaming and try to make it happen. I beleive I have my cranial/rectal inversion cured, but again, only time will tell. There is no authority, only responsibility. Edited 28 Oct 08, 11:54 PM by Master_Odin 28 Oct 08, 7:32 PM Mistress_Tiara 5 yrs This is an interesting thread for me as for some while I have been on the look out for a female submissive. I get a reasonable number of responses but so far have not found anyone who is quite the right fit. I am not looking for a live in slave, but I would like someone for more than occasional play encounters. Finding someone who is interested in a more ongoing D/s relationship has been more difficult than I first imagined - most women so far have wanted to move in and be fully Owned (which is not an option) or just have me spank them before sending them back to their boyfriends (which is an option actually, but is a seperate matter). I've tried to be clear in my ad so I don't mislead anyone but I still get requests that fall mostly into these two general catagories. After reading this thread I now wonder if I am being clear enough. I had tried to not put too much in thinking that private discussion could sort out the rest, but perhaps that isn't the way to go..... I shall ponder. *~*Mistress Tiara*~* 28 Oct 08, 8:00 PM anjuli UK, 4 yrs This is interesting. Altho you don't openly spell out what you offer the girl you seek MT, there is a flavour there and a great deal of personal information and personality that comes over in the ad and your profile as a whole. Therefore I don't think there's an issue on that front. And you're welcome Odin. Glad to hear you may be making progress. I have to say I think this is one of the hardest things any D/O/M or M/s couple can embark on but perhaps the difficulties in finding the right person are not such a bad thing when you consider some of the daft ideas that some people have about being a three! <laughs> And no, I don't mean anyone in the discussion at the moment - I make a general rather than personal point! I shall say again this is an excellent thread from the OP and a much needed discussion point that I wish we could make sticky. anjuli ~~~ “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” - Anais Nin ~~~ 28 Oct 08, 11:53 PM Master_Odin US(KS), 3 yrs anjuli wrote: And you're welcome Odin. Glad to hear you may be making progress. I would like to be able to credit my winning personality and superior profile picking skills, but it has been total serendipity. While waiting out the seven day waiting period to post we lurked and perused the personal adds. When my account went live we had two profiles we considered very compatible, two probably compatible and two profiles that I wished to memo a little sage advice unto. One was a profile that on first glance was full of bile and venom. A second glance convinced me it was shock, pain and abject fear. I decided I would approach and let her know that her ad probably wasn't representing her well and offer to help her re-write it if she had no where else to turn. Since I am everything the ad said she didn't want to hear from I expected to be ignored at best and flamed at worst. But she was unexpectedly gracious, accepted my help and we began to converse. (I brought nebulina into the conversations once I knew they were to be civil) The deeper we have gotten past our relative profiles the more we found there wasn't that much difference between what we three are looking for. Right now we have a pretty good on-line friendship with possibilities and a long way to go to reach the finish line, but it is movement in the right direction. There is no authority, only responsibility. Edited 28 Oct 08, 11:56 PM by Master_Odin 29 Oct 08, 11:34 PM 688-764-833 US, 5 yrs Very good post, 000-446-713. I also think when looking for a “third” it is important to decide if the couple is looking for someone as an “add-on” or someone who will be fully integrated in the relationship and be specific about that. Obviously the original two will always have a longer history but is there to be a hierarchy beyond that? While stating expectations is important, I do imagine it would be hard to be specific about who is responsible for what without knowing the specific person. If the current s does all the cooking and does an adequate job and the prospective s is a trained personal chef what then? Perhaps couples can describe their household and specify what areas they are flexible about and what, atm, is written in stone. And I think it's important to be aware that a specific person will alter your ideas about the dynamic: for example, in theory, the current s may be adamant about not sharing her bed but may change her mind once the third becomes a real person who she cares for and feels secure with. Or the couple may plan on sleeping as a group but the third snores and keeps them awake so they decide the new s needs her own room. Keeping in mind that this is a person, this third, and that they have their own expectations and desires and fears is really important as well. Just a few thoughts (that may be redundant). Cheers, Leesie Next page