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	TSR : Web boards : Other Topics : "When Your Mind Becomes Your Own Worst Enemy" When Your Mind Becomes Your Own Worst Enemy (3) This post is on the Other Topics web board. Sat 10 May 08, 11:50 PM 862-146-240 US(OK), 4 yrs What seems strange to me is how my particular conditioning has been or is actually being done, or rather my inability to control or stop it. It seems most of the time i can't even tell when it is happening until after the fact, if at all. Is that normal? Here is an example and hopefully it will clarify my meaning. Many years ago, about five, i had one of my nipples pierced. When my Master had asked me about my nipple piercing i informed Him that i was told to only pierce one for sensitivity purposes. This was something i just wanted to do for the experience and i found out it hurt like crazy and i didn't want to do it again. Even though He was not my Master at the time, at least not to my admission, His response was “I prefer both of your nipples pierced to match”, all i could say in return was “oh”, how stupid of a come back was that? Anyway, the next day while i was in town doing the grocery shopping i stopped by the local Tattoo shop and made an appointment to have the other one pierced. Not sure why i made the appointment, not able to be done right then because i had to wait for the jewelry to arrive in two days maybe, i don't even remember thinking about it. Even though the wrong size of jewelry was sent and i didn't want to go to the next size larger, my only choice was to have the new size put in and the other stretched to accommodate. The new size would make my nipples the same size as my naval piercing. While actually having the procedure done all i could think was “i hope Hurricane will be pleased”. Of course, that evening i went through a whole array of self imposed conflicts and difficulties. i now wonder if this is normal because it seems to happen quite often, it is like my mind is my own worst enemy. Here is what my thoughts and actions where like that evening. “Oh no, He might be upset because He didn't actually tell me to do this (worry sets in) He just said He preferred it.” “Was Hurricane just making a simple comment, or was it more of a command in the guise of a suggestion?” “Wait a minute”, determination (i consciously take off a pair of stiletto's and stockings He has asked me to wear) “who the hell cares what Hurricane thinks!” Resolve (i rub my feet with lotion) “He doesn't own me”, anger turns into confusion “i can do whatever i damn well want to right?” Questioning myself guilt takes over (i hurry to put the stockings and shoes back on) “i wonder if He will like His surprise” excitement begins. “Why do i care what He wants (confusion battle here) or prefers?” “Why would i do this? i didn't want my other nipple pierced!” Angry at Him i actually start thinking out loud so i am talking to myself “Now i have to go through the whole six week healing process again and that was a pain in the ass the first time. i should just take it out!” Transfering to self anger “If i ever become owned then my Master can choose to have it done, if He likes”. “Just because i am submissive doesn't mean i am a slave, (forcibly pulling the stiletto's off again, i note how soft my feet are and realize i had used lotion like He asked me to) and who says i want to be a slave anyway, i can do whatever i want!” Stares at my stocking feet, feeling rather guilty, “i wonder what Hurricane is doing right now, (picks out another pair of His stiletto's and puts them on) probably sleeping”. “i wish i could show Him His new piercing right now but of course i can't until tonight”... Needless to say, i never took it out and when i showed Him that night what i had done He was not only pleased, i found out He expected me to do exactly what i had done. Am i just really weird or what? This kind of thought process goes through my mind most often when Master introduces me to new or difficult things, although the not being a slave thing seldom comes into play any more, unless Master is pushing what i would consider a hard limit, or rather a difficult hurdle to jump. It is like He can predict my actions, reactions, or can read my thoughts. How can He do this? Of course, O/our relationship is a new exploration of each O/other. At this point i am not sure if Master is a sadist or not, sometimes i think He might be but i am nowhere near a masochist. i hate pain and the piercing really hurt, that is mainly the reason i didn't want to get the other one done, after the first but that is beside the point of this thought. It just seems like i am swimming against the current of irrational emotions when these patterns happen. i guess it doesn't help that i think feelings are something i would rather not deal with and just want the logical directions to get from point a to point b. Anyway, not sure if this makes any sense or not but thought i would look forward to O/others views, opinions, or reactions. My questions along this line are: As a submissive/slave/property, have you had this kind of mental break down when you first started in your relationship? If you have been together for awhile, do you still have stuff like this happen? What kind of event(s) trigger it? As a Dominant/Owner, how do You deal with this? Are there reasons or certain times You elicit this type of response? Does it just happen because of a lack of confidence, security or awareness? 862-146-240 (edited for clarity, grammer and spelling) Edited Sun 11 May 08, 8:59 AM by 862-146-240 11 May 08, 2:40 PM slave_emma US(OK), 6 yrs Y! I have occasion to take things my Master says to heart and it will become my task until I successfully complete it. I think I am looking for praise from my Master and at the same time I am trying to live up to my full potential. I do go through the emotions of why I am doing this, but in the end it all boils down to me wanting to please my Master. When my Master and I first started our relationship together, I felt some degree of guilt when I took on an unordered task. I wondered if I was overstepping or if I should be focusing my energy elsewhere. Overtime, I found that if my Master really didn't intend on me doing something, He would tell me to stand down. If the task is something I think may have a larger implication on our relationship, I will run my plan of action by my Master and ask Him what He thinks. The feedback I get from Him then tells me if I should precede one way or the other. best wishes, slave emma Master Howard's little girl 21 May 08, 11:04 PM Bella_Ragazza US(RI), 6 yrs 862-146-240 wrote: When Your Mind Becomes Your Own Worst Enemy What seems strange to me is how my particular conditioning has been or is actually being done, or rather my inability to control or stop it. It seems most of the time i can't even tell when it is happening until after the fact, if at all. Is that normal? Here is an example and hopefully it will clarify my meaning. Many years ago, about five, i had one of my nipples pierced. When my Master had asked me about my nipple piercing i informed Him that i was told to only pierce one for sensitivity purposes. This was something i just wanted to do for the experience and i found out it hurt like crazy and i didn't want to do it again. Even though He was not my Master at the time, at least not to my admission, His response was “I prefer both of your nipples pierced to match”, all i could say in return was “oh”, how stupid of a come back was that? Anyway, the next day while i was in town doing the grocery shopping i stopped by the local Tattoo shop and made an appointment to have the other one pierced. Not sure why i made the appointment, not able to be done right then because i had to wait for the jewelry to arrive in two days maybe, i don't even remember thinking about it. Even though the wrong size of jewelry was sent and i didn't want to go to the next size larger, my only choice was to have the new size put in and the other stretched to accommodate. The new size would make my nipples the same size as my naval piercing. While actually having the procedure done all i could think was “i hope Hurricane will be pleased”. Of course, that evening i went through a whole array of self imposed conflicts and difficulties. i now wonder if this is normal because it seems to happen quite often, it is like my mind is my own worst enemy. Here is what my thoughts and actions where like that evening. “Oh no, He might be upset because He didn't actually tell me to do this (worry sets in) He just said He preferred it.” “Was Hurricane just making a simple comment, or was it more of a command in the guise of a suggestion?” “Wait a minute”, determination (i consciously take off a pair of stiletto's and stockings He has asked me to wear) “who the hell cares what Hurricane thinks!” Resolve (i rub my feet with lotion) “He doesn't own me”, anger turns into confusion “i can do whatever i damn well want to right?” Questioning myself guilt takes over (i hurry to put the stockings and shoes back on) “i wonder if He will like His surprise” excitement begins. “Why do i care what He wants (confusion battle here) or prefers?” “Why would i do this? i didn't want my other nipple pierced!” Angry at Him i actually start thinking out loud so i am talking to myself “Now i have to go through the whole six week healing process again and that was a pain in the ass the first time. i should just take it out!” Transfering to self anger “If i ever become owned then my Master can choose to have it done, if He likes”. “Just because i am submissive doesn't mean i am a slave, (forcibly pulling the stiletto's off again, i note how soft my feet are and realize i had used lotion like He asked me to) and who says i want to be a slave anyway, i can do whatever i want!” Stares at my stocking feet, feeling rather guilty, “i wonder what Hurricane is doing right now, (picks out another pair of His stiletto's and puts them on) probably sleeping”. “i wish i could show Him His new piercing right now but of course i can't until tonight”... Needless to say, i never took it out and when i showed Him that night what i had done He was not only pleased, i found out He expected me to do exactly what i had done. Am i just really weird or what? This kind of thought process goes through my mind most often when Master introduces me to new or difficult things, although the not being a slave thing seldom comes into play any more, unless Master is pushing what i would consider a hard limit, or rather a difficult hurdle to jump. It is like He can predict my actions, reactions, or can read my thoughts. How can He do this? Of course, O/our relationship is a new exploration of each O/other. At this point i am not sure if Master is a sadist or not, sometimes i think He might be but i am nowhere near a masochist. i hate pain and the piercing really hurt, that is mainly the reason i didn't want to get the other one done, after the first but that is beside the point of this thought. It just seems like i am swimming against the current of irrational emotions when these patterns happen. i guess it doesn't help that i think feelings are something i would rather not deal with and just want the logical directions to get from point a to point b. Anyway, not sure if this makes any sense or not but thought i would look forward to O/others views, opinions, or reactions. My questions along this line are: As a submissive/slave/property, have you had this kind of mental break down when you first started in your relationship? If you have been together for awhile, do you still have stuff like this happen? What kind of event(s) trigger it? As a Dominant/Owner, how do You deal with this? Are there reasons or certain times You elicit this type of response? Does it just happen because of a lack of confidence, security or awareness? 862-146-240 (edited for clarity, grammer and spelling) I had the same problem with my Master and I still do actually. Its kind of like my body obeys even when my brain is like " what the hell are you doing, he is joking with you and you know he is joking with you but you are taking this seriously and obeying even though you would find this ridiculousness". the example I take this from is a time where he had me eat a stale candy cane. I knew he was joking with me and probably didn't think I would do it but I did even though my brain was like ewwww don't eat that. I too find myself following unspoken commands like you do. I use to find it odd or that there was something wrong with me for my body to go about the task when my mind was saying you dont HAVE to do this. but now I just give in, its better then fighting it I guess. sorry if i didn't help much since Im kind of in the same predicament as you are. Bella 22 May 08, 12:14 AM 675-820-429 US(VA), 4 yrs 862-146-240 wrote: As a submissive/slave/property, have you had this kind of mental break down when you first started in your relationship? yes to me what you said makes sense totally and have i ever had that kind thing yes, not quite like you i don't blame my Master ever, but, yes i worry all the time untill i work myself into guilt over everything i do if Master isn't around to tell me how or what to do. i jump first into stuff then worry about it later. 862-146-240 wrote: If you have been together for awhile, do you still have stuff like this happen? yes, i still do it and i've been with my Master 15 months well known Him that long, been His girl about 8 months now or almost. 862-146-240 wrote: What kind of event(s) trigger it? Are there reasons or certain times You elicit this type of response? Does it just happen because of a lack of confidence, security or awareness? For me what triggers it is fear of i jumped to quick and my Master won't be pleased by it and it useally happens when He's not around to tell me how He feels about it. Yes, i have low self-esteem, no confidence in myself, yes i worry i'll lose my Master over my stupid stuff i do, but never do. Some times i do what i do in hopes it please Master, we may have had a conversion about something and i feel that my action my fix His concern, but futher thought turns to worry. 862-146-240 wrote: As a Dominant/Owner, how do You deal with this? My Master reensures me and most of the time all my worry and such was for nothing, He is fine with most things i do, but not all has been that way and when it hasn't useally He just gives me a good talking to. Kinda depends on what i did and what my motives were for doing it. Most the time my Master saids i worry to much and am a bit pariod. Hope this helps you. You're not a lone though. i would like to add time does make it happen less or has for me and the fact that my Master trys to get me to run all things by Him before i just do it now. tracey Master reads and approves all posts she writes and may edit or delete if possible any post she writes, she has no secrets from her Master and is totally honest with Him and has no need to lie to her Master. Like wise her Master Has seen her profile and approved it. Edited 22 May 08, 12:27 AM by 675-820-429