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	TSR : Web boards : Internal Enslavement : "What to do about the paranoia of slaves?" 1 2 What to do about the paranoia of slaves? (16) This post is on the Internal Enslavement web board. Wed 19 Mar 08, 2:17 AM 369-359-730 4 yrs This is something I've seen brought up in a number of different places on the TSR boards, and in other places before, but never really quite addressed. Also it's something I've experienced in the last couple of days with Guide (especially today): The paranoia surrounding doing anything that might dissatisfy to the point of instantly jumping to the conclusion that someone (generally an Owner, but I've noticed I've had feelings like this LONG before finding M/s that I had before trained myself to squash with a less then healthy dose of cynicism) will have a terrifying outburst of anger at the slight. Guide and I talked about it and he made it very clear my feelings were unfounded which I've quickly internalized rationally. My question then is, what experience have others had learning to overcome the irrational level of fear that they are always in danger of raising someone's ire when the slightest thing isn't just so that seems so common among slaves? Working with GuideOne in the hopes that we've both found what we're looking for in each other. (Now finally in person!) "When you have given everything, then you have everything to gain." (Quote from the card "The Well of Life" from the Magic The Gathering card game... yes... I am a bit of a geek like that) 19 Mar 08, 3:12 AM Dsdove US(MN), 4 yrs My ex-husband's treatment of me left me conditioned to expect anger and censure for every little mistake (easily corrected or not). Growing up I was surrounded by anger and so very sensatized to it. His treatment of me left me tense and ready for an explosion every time anything wasn't perfect. I got over the worst of this only when I got involved with a very gentle, loving man who knew of this past and worked very hard to never give me that reaction. Now both of those relationships were 'nilla. However I think the only way to move past that fear is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is sensitive to your paranoia about anger. The M/s dynamic may make that more of a challenge, but my Master has certainly found ways to work with my sensitivity to anger as opposed to making it worse. I still warn people I get involved with that I may have exaggerated reactions to anger. I no longer flinch expecting an explosion, but anger will still produce unpredictable results. Stay open to positive experiences. If you find it hard to remember, keep a journal about your fears and how things really turned out. Keep talking about it. Take Care, Master's sweet c 19 Mar 08, 11:51 AM masterfiremaam US(WV), 5 yrs This sounds a lot like some form of anxiety, or at least like the form I have on occasion. I have nice meds that help. I've also had good therapists. Master Fire "Be excellent to each other." - Bill and Ted *air guitar* 20 Mar 08, 1:16 AM 238-864-563 US(CA), 4 yrs One thing that i like/need in an M/s relationship is clear expectations, for this very reason. The anxiety of not meeting expectations and the anger that ensues is part of my motivation. At least it's better knowing what is expected. In vanilla relationships, these things are seldom spelled out, leaving someone like me (us?) very anxious, nervous, paranoid. Add to that a fellow or two who were not only quick to anger but also took advantage of my abandonment fears and i was like jello all of the time. One thing about an M/s relationship is the HUGE amount of communication involved, which engenders a great deal more trust, and consequently, a considerably greater sense of security and comfort. 238-864-563 20 Mar 08, 5:36 PM ravenkaldera US(MA), 6 yrs I think an important part of reducing paranoia on the sub's part is having several experiences (one usually isn't enough) where the sub can say something hard or unflattering or otherwise scary to the dominant, something that they *know* the dominant is not going to like,but which must be said anyway, and having the dominant react maturely and thoughtfully rather than becoming offended and lashing out and punishing them for it. This is particularly important when it comes to transparency. If the M-type wants the s-type to pony up all their thoughts and feelings, they'd better show them that they can be trusted with the unflattering ones. It may take a few times, but eventually the sub's subconscious can be convinced that this person is not going to blow up at them, even when a lesser person would be provoked. That is often a huge easing mind for them. -Raven Kaldera -If you're in charge, it's all on your head. If it's not all on your head, then you're not really in charge. 20 Mar 08, 6:45 PM 139-715-032 US(MA), 6 yrs I find it most helpful if I can routinely get detailed, honest, and specific assessment of my performance. I need a certain amount of negative feedback because I know I'm not perfect and if all a person will give me is positive feedback, they lose credibility to me. It also demonstrates that the person can be less than 100% thrilled with my performance without flipping out. This takes time to sink in, but it generally does sink in. Now that I've gotten a good sense of my master's expectations and preferences, he isn't always interested in providing detailed feedback. Sometimes I will interpret responses that actually mean "I've got other things on my mind besides your service." as meaning "I'm not pleased by your service, but I don't think it is worth it to correct you." On a bad day, this either leads to me thinking "What I do and how well I do it is irrelevant to him, so why even bother?" or "I am so incompetent that he thinks I am beyond any hope for improvement." Developing a clear understanding of the other person's standards and expectations really helps reduce the paranoia, but there also needs to be a certain amount of confidence in your own skills. If you always feel like a failure no matter how well you do, you will project that on your top and never be able to really believe their praise and reassurance. A top can help this by making it very clear that your own standards are entirely irrelevant to them, and that judging your performance is their job, not yours. Also, many submissives are quite receptive to subconscious suggestion. A top with a good deal of confidence in what he is saying and a strong force of will can often plant subconscious messages. I don't know how to describe how to do this, and most of the tops I've talked to can't really describe it either. One described it as, "You just look them square in the eye, and you tell it like it is." Subconscious messages are tricky, because sometimes negatives don't register correctly and less emotionally laden words get filtered out, so something like "You are not a loser" becomes "blah blah blah loser". Also, the subconscious is very able to hold mutually contradictory messages at the same time, so canceling out old patterns is harder than instilling new ones. -- Joshua Raven's Boy, Joshua, is a wholly owned subsidiary of Raven Kaldera. You may contact Joshua directly with any questions or comments at josh@cauldronfarm.com, or contact Raven at cauldronfarm@hotmail.com. 4 Apr 08, 6:10 AM Jimbo8250 US(WI), 6 yrs I was always a bit paranoid about making mistakes growing up. My mother had a VERY dominant personality, which is evidenced in that she made it to a fairly high rank in the military. Her policies were always fairly strict (although I've read about a decent amount that are stricter here). What my siblings and I could eat and drink at what times was HIGHLY limited. To enforce these policies, she checked up on us at LEAST 4 times an hour. Studying must be done at the dinner table with no background noise except her telling you what you've done wrong, etc. The worst part was that if she disagreed with it, it was morally wrong/physically impossible. I remember a 3 hour debate with her about homosexuality, which involved my father and all my siblings agreeing with me and arguing against her (guess who was of the mindset that they should be stoned to death?). She settled it by walking off. It was hard growing up having a dominant personality in that house (she wonders why I wanted to move out as soon as I could afford it) but I learned quite a bit. The first was my meditation (I effectively taught myself to meditate), which was essentially clearing my mind of all my thoughts by focusing on my breathing, then slowing it down until it was as slow as I could get. I always found this to be a good way of calming myself down, especially if I could do it in a darkened room with my eyes shut. Another lesson I had to teach myself (and I frequently teach others now) is that you are your own worst critic. Because of your unique vantage point, you see things that other people often miss or can't see. So if I have the chance to improve over time, I pick one or two things I did wrong/poorly last time and focus on doing those better the next time. I don't worry about the rest of it and critique myself afterwards. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. I have found that working on improving in stages (especially if whoever is teaching/training you is willing to help you on this) does much better at reducing anxiety. Sorry for that (off-topic imo) bit of a rant, but I just needed to get that first part off my chest. Although, now that I look at it, I think it provides some context. I hope the second part can help someone do better at least. 1 Jun 08, 6:53 AM 143-983-458 US, 6 yrs Y! i have a lot of the same issues, in fact while talking to a friend we decided one of the reasons bondage feels so safe and comfortable is because once tied and given up control to someone else you really dont have to worry about making a mistake. i do regulary tell Sir that i know He will get tired of me someday, and He sends them back with something like... not in this lifetime and i am reasured. feedback is good, and as pointed out if there is nothing negative then it loses credibility. deep down inside i know i need a lot of work, and feel that someone who doesn't ever correct me isn't being honest with me. kind of like the feeling that anyone who calls me beautiful isn't an honest person or is trying to get something from me. taking my pleasure in His 14 Mar 10, 11:16 PM MasterRsfaggot US(OK), 2 yrs i found this thread to be immensely interesting, and thought i'd bring it up to the surface. i especially like what Raven Kaldera, and joshua, had to say on the matter. i'm curious to hear what others might have to say about aussaging a slave's fears or paranoia, and repercussions of a lack of feedback, esp. negative. 15 Mar 10, 4:51 PM 688-681-918 US(OR), 2 yrs I believe the anxiety felt might be actually a trust issue for some which can be successfully tempered with positive re-enforcement, excellent communication and transparency from the Master, which I call the three essentials. As a slave, I know my goal is to be obedient and perform my duties in ways that are pleasing and beautiful. There are times when for a variety of reasons I am less than confident and anxiety can rise which may or may not affect my ability depending on my own personal experience with said duty. If I am confident in my abilities of a particular duty it is always easier than a duty which is not fully formed or brand new to me. My confidence is a result of my previously developed skill sets, broad knowledge in a particular area and directed training for the specific requirements of a Master. Being given positive re-enforcement for a duty performed allows the slave to be more confident in the skill set and the desire to please grows into other areas with each successful new knowledge area. I see this as an ever expanding circle. Several of the responders, 238-864-563, ravenkaldera, and 139-715-032 have mentioned communication. Communication is the crux in my opinion. Without clear impute from the Master to the slave of the Master's required needs, duties to be taken care of and how exactly the Master feels the slave is performing at regular times, imagination can take over with negative results. I feel it is essentially important to ascertain if the communication styles of the Master and slave are aligned as misalignment can cause much misunderstanding, anguish and dissatisfaction for both individuals. Self knowledge on the part of both the Master and slave will go a long way to enabling a lasting bond of loyalty, trust, devotion and heartfelt service. I was glad that ravenkaldera mentioned transparency for Masters, thank you, Sir. It can be difficult to expose emotions and thoughts at times and in the doing of it the slave will become quite vulnerable and totally exposed. To continue to be transparent in an open and honest way, the slave needs to know that they are safe in their disclosures. Trust will build with each instance where the slave can disclose in transparency and know that the Master will master their self control especially when they hear something not flattering. Alignment of the slave to the Master's ideas takes time as internal enslavement is a long term, committed ideal, yet one I believe is very possible and desirable with the three essentials in place. For anything worth having, one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice ~no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service. ~John Burroughs Edited 15 Mar 10, 4:52 PM by 688-681-918 15 Mar 10, 9:35 PM mamabear NL, 2 yrs 688-681-918 wrote: Several of the responders, 238-864-563, ravenkaldera, and 139-715-032 have mentioned communication. Communication is the crux in my opinion. Without clear impute from the Master to the slave of the Master's required needs, duties to be taken care of and how exactly the Master feels the slave is performing at regular times, imagination can take over with negative results. I feel it is essentially important to ascertain if the communication styles of the Master and slave are aligned as misalignment can cause much misunderstanding, anguish and dissatisfaction for both individuals. Self knowledge on the part of both the Master and slave will go a long way to enabling a lasting bond of loyalty, trust, devotion and heartfelt service. I have to agree with this... communication is key in any relationship really. I didn't have it with my ex, one reason why he's an ex. I will say that the communication is, at least seemingly, so much better in D/s. The feedback aspect has built up my own confidence greatly. And honestly, because of the communication level my Master and I have I feel more comfortable and loved than I ever have before. One of the best things He does is acknowledges the little things. While I know you're not supposed to "sweat the small stuff"...I'm one that does....the feedback on the smallest level does me wonders. The old paranoias I had in past relationships are slowly fading away. Next page