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	TSR : Web boards : Internal Enslavement : "Trust Issues" Trust Issues (9) This post is on the Internal Enslavement web board. Thu 28 Feb 08, 10:12 PM 887-458-885 US(IL), 5 yrs Just thought that I would use this as a sort of sounding board for one particular issue that keeps coming up in my relationship with Angel.... I've been having a lot of trust issues in that Angel loves me and that he isn't cheating on me. I know in my heart and from multiple conversations and experiences that those two are true, but I find that when I am in a situation where either is even most remotely doubted, I become terrified that he does not love me or that he loves or is with someone else. I have a good idea of where all my mistrust has come from, but I am lost as to how I can overcome this. My family life was unpleasant at best. I was/am (trying to move out) in a highly abusive home. I do not know or understand what it means to be loved unconditionally by my family members. Combined with this, every person I have ever had a relationship with has cheated on me, except my current relationship and the one directly before it. This has cause me to be highly distrustfull of anyone, especially my mate. However, I feel that it is almost a sin that I suspect him of cheating, because I know that I have twice kissed/made out with someone that was not Angel while we were dating. I was punished for both occasions, but it is still a lingering though, though the punishment stopped (most) of the guilt. When I get upset like this, I am not quite sure how to handle it. I know that I have untreated bipolar disorder (it remains untreated because of another more physically threatening disorder which the medication would conflict with) and I often suffer panic attacks because of my insecurities. Although he has told me to call whenever this happens, I feel guilty when I know that calling panicked for no reason will make him very sad. I guess the question is, how do I help myself or help him keep me emotionally secure? Is there any kind of mental exercise you would suggest? I know that many people probably do not understand what it is like to be bipolar in this situation, but anything would be helpful. -Pet Edited Thu 28 Feb 08, 10:15 PM by 887-458-885 29 Feb 08, 2:16 AM masterfiremaam US(WV), 5 yrs Fear is almost always wrapped up in your own sense of self worth. For example, someone who has a fear of abandonment fears the person leaving because it means that person no longer loves them. We equate presence and actions with proof of love. If the other person doesn't love us, it means that our worst fears are true: we are unlovable. So, I feel the issue here isn't abandonment. The issue doesn't even have anything to do with your partner. The issue is that you don't have your own sense of positive self worth. Hence, you doubt the your partner could really love you because you don't love you. To get over your issues of trust, you need to work on your own sense of self worth. My analysis might not be correct, of course, but you'll come out of the other side a better person anyway...which will make you a better slave and partner. Master Fire "Be excellent to each other." - Bill and Ted *air guitar* 29 Feb 08, 2:48 AM Master_David1965 US(CA), 5 yrs I couldn't have put this any better if I'd tried. The hardest part is in learning to love yourself. I know of no one specific way to achieve this, but I do know that if you allow yourself to love yourself, then others will love you too. Sounds convoluted and psycho-babble-ish, but I think you get the point. I can try to elaborate or clarify, if desired. Don't tell Me what I can't do. Instead, show Me what is available to Me and I will embrace all that I can with all that I have. 29 Feb 08, 6:38 AM Outlaws_dotsuwa US(OK), 4 yrs At best when we find ourselves in the clutches of low self confidence and self esteem we get to where we find ourselves to be not quite worthy of the ones we are with and then we begin to question the trust our mindset plays with us. We often find ourselves seeking reassurance that our partner does love us and that we are worthy of love. I too suffer from low self confidence at times thinking I'm by far the worst slave there is. More times than I want to I upset my Master. I often begin questioning my ability and then I lash out and then try to push. I question whether I have what it takes to be a slave but then something happens that he is happy about and then I find myself pushing harder to please him. Master and I have been thinking of different things that I can do in order to grow in my slavery and not struggle so much. Some things that come to mind are you and your Master create a mantra for the different issues to help you to grow despite the issue that you face. And know that your Master might sound sad when you call panicking but he is probably more relieved that you do call him instead of excluding him. If he didn't love you he wouldn't worry so much. And while this may or may not work I use to tell myself that things would be okay. Perhaps start journaling because without my blog I'd be distraught when I have something bothering me or just need to ramble it's there. And my Master has access to it, so that he knows what goes on in my life that I just can't spit out. Journaling might help your Master know how to better help you as well. You can also set it to private that just you and your Master have access to as well. Along the way with your Master's encouragement you'll learn to love yourself too. Keep your chin up. manxie kitty Owned and managed by Outlaw {previously Outlaws rapture} bound by love to the One that holds her heart, even in the darkness she feels warmth through the chill of her own pain. http://rapturemusing.blogspot.com/ 1 Mar 08, 9:14 AM Lord_of_Winter US(NY), 5 yrs masterfiremaam wrote: To get over your issues of trust, you need to work on your own sense of self worth. My analysis might not be correct, of course, but you'll come out of the other side a better person anyway...which will make you a better slave and partner. Master Fire I couldn't agree more. Everyone has had to deal with low self esteem or lack of confidence at some point. The actual mechanics of jealousy and fear of abandonment are subconscious mental pictures of the feared scenario playing out. This causes the negative emotional response. Regarding trust, what solved it for me was a statement I read, "In my day we had self-respect, not self-esteem." The difference between 'trying to have self-esteem' and 'earning self-respect' is one of action and control. You know what is right and what is wrong; with self-esteem you pay no attention to your interpersonal interactions or conscience, but tell yourself over and over "I am worthy of being loved, I am lovable", as if by repetition this will become true; with self-respect, you consciously decide to treat those whom you love according to what you know to be right, without expecting anything from them. In this way, you take charge of how you act and feel from moment to moment, and are no longer dependent on others for your sense of self esteem. Thus you come to realize that others can have this same self-control, and that is proof, along with the way that they treat you and their actions, that they can be trusted, because now you know what it is to live according to your own principles instead of being at the mercy of everyone else's. It requires self-discipline and action on one's own part to take control of one's thoughts and reprogram one's broken behaviors. 7 Mar 08, 5:15 AM zischa US(TX), 4 yrs Y! i understand your bi-polar all to well. i was diganosised over 10 years ago with bi-polar disorder. Though there are plenty of medications to treat it the side effects and drug intereactions with other medications are aweful.....it's a medical nightmare and medical merry-go-round. Reading your post though brought back memories for me. i saw myself years ago in some of what you were saying with the panic attacks and what you were describing. First and foremost, (others may disagree) i highly recommend seeing a therapist especially since your not being treated with medication due to other medical issues. i wasn't being treated with meds at first either (same reason). i had a good therapist though that taught me relaxation techniques, helped me figure out what my triggers were that set me in a state of panic. Now, years later it's helped Sir with reconizing what situations aren't good for me because He knows what my triggers are too and how to help calm me when panic does set in. Bi-polar can also cause some of your feeling of mistrust even when you know nothing has happened to warrent it. It's a very hard and devastating thing to live with but can also be rewarding even with out the meds if properly taken care of. As others have suggested, journaling. It was another thing that my therapist recommend i do and have continued to do. i hope there is something in this that helps. zischa 7 Mar 08, 10:51 PM drknsshadow 6 yrs I struggle with panic attacks and fear of abondonment too. My master has ordered me to tell him anytime I am panicy and not able to calm myself down. A few things that work for me. . . repeating to myself that Master loves me and wants me. Master has also given me a list of what he sees as valuable in me. Reading this list helps me feel better. Master has also arranged for me to see a therepist to help with some of the issuses I have from my past. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) The biggest help to me though is remembering that I am owned and that Master enjoys my service. Shadow 8 Mar 08, 2:02 PM 930-197-747 US(ME), 4 yrs Y! I have bipolar that can be treated with medicine but I still have wild mood swings sometimes. I'm sorry yours has to go untreated. A site that helped me is http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. {I don't know how to use TSR's format for links so you'll have to cut and paste.} The MoodGym presents a series of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) exercises that helps me 'talk' to myself to regain control when I most need it. And yes I am aware of the other definition and thought it would be funny to use it. The site is extremely useful and I go back to parts of it for tuneups. It took me about a month to work through it the first time. But change requires effort, time, and baby steps. Hope this helps. Kay You have freedom when you're easy in your harness. ~Robert Frost 13 Mar 08, 3:25 AM Sgiandubhs_ceilidh US, 5 yrs Y! masterfiremaam wrote: Fear is almost always wrapped up in your own sense of self worth. For example, someone who has a fear of abandonment fears the person leaving because it means that person no longer loves them. We equate presence and actions with proof of love. If the other person doesn't love us, it means that our worst fears are true: we are unlovable. So, I feel the issue here isn't abandonment. The issue doesn't even have anything to do with your partner. The issue is that you don't have your own sense of positive self worth. Hence, you doubt the your partner could really love you because you don't love you. To get over your issues of trust, you need to work on your own sense of self worth. My analysis might not be correct, of course, but you'll come out of the other side a better person anyway...which will make you a better slave and partner. Master Fire That is an exact description of my situation. Although i have reasons not to trust, Master is resolving these. When He is not present, i begin to wonder.....It can all be traced back to the fact that Master had another slave that He was willing to leave me for and that has destroyed my self esteem and i cannot seem to get it back. i was not strong within myself thanks to my up-bringing. Master is working hard to help with that, but i cannot bring myself to tell Him everytime i have doubts. It destroys Master each time and i feel like W/we have to keep starting over. i have found that turning to the pagan teachings it is showing me how to strengthen myself from within. Listen to the advice on this subject and find your own path to healing. Your Master will be so proud that you are finding the answers within and keep your communication lines open. i am going to speak to Master about the doubts that i am still having and will revel in His wisdom and love. Love without rules. ceilidh 13 Mar 08, 1:00 PM The_Devil_Himself US, 4 yrs Lord_of_Winter wrote: masterfiremaam wrote: To get over your issues of trust, you need to work on your own sense of self worth. My analysis might not be correct, of course, but you'll come out of the other side a better person anyway...which will make you a better slave and partner. Master Fire I couldn't agree more. Everyone has had to deal with low self esteem or lack of confidence at some point. The actual mechanics of jealousy and fear of abandonment are subconscious mental pictures of the feared scenario playing out. This causes the negative emotional response. Regarding trust, what solved it for me was a statement I read, "In my day we had self-respect, not self-esteem." The difference between 'trying to have self-esteem' and 'earning self-respect' is one of action and control. You know what is right and what is wrong; with self-esteem you pay no attention to your interpersonal interactions or conscience, but tell yourself over and over "I am worthy of being loved, I am lovable", as if by repetition this will become true; with self-respect, you consciously decide to treat those whom you love according to what you know to be right, without expecting anything from them. In this way, you take charge of how you act and feel from moment to moment, and are no longer dependent on others for your sense of self esteem. Thus you come to realize that others can have this same self-control, and that is proof, along with the way that they treat you and their actions, that they can be trusted, because now you know what it is to live according to your own principles instead of being at the mercy of everyone else's. It requires self-discipline and action on one's own part to take control of one's thoughts and reprogram one's broken behaviors. Well Said Lord of Winter, very well put and I could not agree more. Passivity in a man is a denial of manhood