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	TSR : Web boards : M/s D/s O&P : "New People" New People (10) This post is on the M/s D/s O&P web board. Thu 24 Jan 08, 8:57 AM MizTery US, 5 yrs Y! In the last few months my subbie and I have created a new friendship with a fellow co-worker. He is a nice guy does a great job at work and is fun to be around. However, when he is over at my home and hanging out with us there are certian things that my subbie has to do before he can hang out. Like taking out trash, dishes, feed animals, get me things that I need just simple things. This new friend has made several comments about how I never do anything around the house and how my subbie does it all. Now, this friend has no idea that we are lifestyle and that is not something that I care to share with him becaue I am sure he will not understand. Every time he makes a comment like this I quickly respond with a yes he does a lot but he is treated very well at the same time. The friend is constantly telling me that my subbie needs more and that he does a lot for me but gets nothing in return even though this friend has no idea about our personal life. I have seen this attitude have a direct affect on my subbie as well. He is starting to take the side of this friend and I have to quickly snap him back into place and that works until the next comment its like a never ending battle. I am wondering how to overcome this bump in the road. I enjoy hanging out with this friend but I do not enjoy being crticized about my life and how i live it. Any sort of ideas would be nice. Also I have a code of conduct for my subbie and I am wondering what other masters put on this sort of list for their slaves or subbies. Thanks much. 24 Jan 08, 11:38 AM kittentakara 6 yrs Hi there, I did have friend like this in the past. Who would make comments about how I did all the house work. And always seemed jump to my ex Masters Orders. Also that he never spoke to me in polite way. Yes it did affect me. I wanted to serve my ex Master but when someone moans about the person you look to for everything. I would pretty much lose my head space. when my ex Master made the decision that as i was his slave, He was more important than the friend. i was told i was to speak to him about his comments and say that they had stop. Master knew i was bit more diplomatic than he was and asked me to say it in my own words. So I spoke to the friend basically said. I choice to be this way and be with this person. I know what they're like and how they speak to me. I am fine and happy with that. I ask you to respect my decision and stop judging my relationship with your yard stick. this stopped the comments mostly there was few more odd ones after this. Master told me if he continued I would stop seeing this person. Or would do my best do have as little communication with them as I could possible do. This never happened but I am sure it would have if the comments continued. Takara Edited 24 Jan 08, 2:22 PM by kittentakara 24 Jan 08, 1:43 PM Byrdie US(WA), 6 yrs Y! When my Daddy and I used to hang out with my non-scene friends it would usually be at a movie night. My friends knew about our relationship but still looked on oddly whenever something remotely like power exchange occurred between us. Since we were in public and on neutral ground, we simply toned it down by unspoken agreement. When at Daddy's place, when he gave the orders I followed them. There was only at one point where that didn't happen: when his chosen-family sister gave me a counter-order when he left the room. She and I had dated a little, but not enough for her to tell me what to do. When I tried to talk her down and continue the order, she threatened me with bodily harm. At that point, the golden rule of "protect the property" kicked in and I stayed where I was -- explaining to Daddy when he came back to find his will not done that I felt it necessary to sidestep the order for the sake of the comfort of his honored guest. After she left, I explained the situation to him. He was furious that she'd threatened me without negotiation, and that she was judging our relationship based on the first time she'd been around it. Also, he felt disrespected in his own home. When she and I discussed the situation days later, she said that she'd seen him order around people randomly before and didn't want him to do the same to me. I reminded her that when I'd accepted the order, I'd entered into an agreement and that her interference had inspired me to break my word. I also suggested that perhaps the next time she was uncomfortable with a dynamic I was in with someone, perhaps she could ask me about it before assuming I needed to be rescued by force. She looked shocked at the very idea, but never tried any such thing again. If this friend can't keep their opinion on a relationship they're not in to themselves, perhaps you should only meet with them on neutral ground? If they don't like the way that you run your household, why should they have access to it? If that doesn't appeal and you don't feel confident that your submissive's devotion to you could stand up to a private one-on-one talk with this guy, maybe a brief parting of ways with the friend until your submissive can be coached by other members of your local D/s community about how to mind his manners in the face of outside influences might be in order? Good luck, whatever you decide to do! I love it when we start up a fight / and I love it when the fight ends your way / I love it when you call me names. - Joan Armatrading 24 Jan 08, 10:18 PM thekittenpup 4 yrs pet's reaction to this is that the friend is in your house. As such, you have the right to put rules down. This person is creating negativity in your home. Perhaps speaking with them is in order, letting them know that the comments they are making are unacceptable behavior in your house. That you have an arrangement in your house that works for both people involved, and that as the friend is only there a mere fraction of the time, he truly does not know all that goes on. pet wishes you luck on this, its truly too bad so many people are so quick to judge... *curled up at her Master's feet* ~~~~ Master reads and pre-approves every post this pet makes. He will deny and/or completely remove and and all posting rights as He sees fit. ~~~~ 24 Jan 08, 11:36 PM godless US(TX), 5 yrs Y! MizTery wrote: However, when he is over at my home and hanging out with us there are certian things that my subbie has to do before he can hang out. Like taking out trash, dishes, feed animals, get me things that I need just simple things. It seems to me that the friend is being judgemental because he is confused - and righly so from a vanilla standpoint. It sounds to me like this friend comes over directly after work with the two of you. (Please correct me if I'm wrong) The simple answer then is to only invite your friend over after a certain hour - perhaps an hour after you get off of work, so as to allow for chore time? That would also be an efficiency motivator for your sub. I don't mean to tell you what to do (to each their own dynamic and rules) - but a few minor changes when you are around vanillas doesn't seem too large a stretch in etiquette. As lili has often said - it's to make all in a given situation comfortable. As hostess (even if it is just pizza and beer :D ), you are responsible for both the comfort of your guest and your household. Also, perhaps a look into "subtle service" is in order. For example, does your subbie have to walk past you and your guest multiple times in order to accomplish his chores? It is pretty obvious and jarring to see someone walk one way with a trash bag, back again with a broom, a third time with a handful of laundry to take downstairs, yet stopping everything when you ask him for a glass of juice. Making his chores less obvious would be an easy way of not making your friend uncomfortable (and then there's less on which to comment). Additionally, perhaps some more training is needed for your subbie - specific to this and other situations. For example, it is much more obvious that you never get up to get your own drink if you are "bossing him around" than it would be if he was in charge of making sure all refreshment needs were taken care of. IE - as soon as you walk in the door (or your friend shows up) he immediately asks if either of you would like something to drink. Additionally, once he is "allowed" to join, he could make sure to drink faster than you (or serve himself smaller portions), so when your cup is close to empty, he can just say "I'm going to get myself some more - does anyone else need anything?" He's still aware that the only reason he's "really" getting up is to get you what you need. To anyone watching, he's just being courteous, as he's "getting up anyway." So there's my $0.02 - take away the reason for your guest to comment, then there won't be any battles about how you treat him. P.S. There's a great thread on "subtle service" that might be of interest to you. Either that or ask Carolyn, the queen of subtle service, as I've had the pleasure of witnessing. :D "You don't love a girl because she's beautiful. You love a girl because she sings a song that only you can understand" - L.J Smith "Dark World" 25 Jan 08, 2:39 AM Lord_of_Winter US(NY), 5 yrs If this were me, and I didn't feel the 'nilla friend could handle the truth, I think I'd just make up something like, "Well, I do the housework at the weekends.", or "Actually I have a back injury/fybromyalgia/a nerve injury in my hand, but I don't like to talk about it, don't like to be reminded." - something plausible like that. Perhaps this might be the most commodious type of solution. It doesn't really matter that it's a lie, the thing is you just want it not to be an issue and interfere with your relationship with your sub, whilst still being able to remain friends with this person whose company you both seem to enjoy. 25 Jan 08, 5:25 PM Master_Anathema 5 yrs "So there's my $0.02 - take away the reason for your guest to comment, then there won't be any battles about how you treat him." And worth more than $0.02, godless. Your house, MizTerry, is your house, your arena, not that of your guest. (Your house, your rules. Even in the vanilla world, this principle prevails.) When your guest repeatedly comments, he expresses an opinion, not a fact. While he may be entitled to his own opinion, he is not entitled to his own facts. And his repetition suggests discourtesy. Explanations to vanillas are tedious and always susceptible to confusion and misunderstandings. (Consider how much time is spent here debating particular words and ideas among a given subculture.) Why explain anything? Why bother? Arrange your affairs to suit yourself and your subbie. Others have shown you how. Let guests devise their own "reasons." [Solitudinem faciunt pacem appellant.] They make a wilderness and call it peace. Tacitus 27 Jan 08, 6:14 AM masterfiremaam US(WV), 5 yrs Your friend is assuming that because he doesn't want to do these things inside his relationship then your partner doesn't or shouldn't either. That's not true. You can also explain that this is simply how you've divided things in your relationship. What you do isn't as visible, but you do fulfills you and your partner. Finally, if he truly doesn't like it, he can stop coming over. Master Fire "Be excellent to each other." - Bill and Ted *air guitar* 28 Jan 08, 8:50 AM MizTery US, 5 yrs Y! This is of much help actually. Thank-you very much. I had not really seen how much of an issue it was for guests and my man as well. I like your suggestion of doing chores before and the drink idea. I will take this into consideration the next time we have guests. Thanks again. 29 Jan 08, 12:06 AM Chartreuse UK, 4 yrs If a guest (new friend) was invited into my home and presumed to make comments about my relationship dynamic, causing friction or animosity between me and my partner, I would not welcome that person into my home again. If I wanted to maintain contact with that person and still meet them, as a friend, I would arrange to them at a place other than my home.... however, it is highly unlikely that I would want to make a friend of someone who felt they had a right to judge me and mine. Any guest, in one's home, should not cause discomfort to their host or take issue with the way people choose to live their lives. If two people are happy in the way they conduct their relationship and a house-guest makes unwelcome comments about their observations of that relationship dynamic, they are interfering in matters that are none of their business. C x Edited 29 Jan 08, 12:07 AM by Chartreuse 29 Jan 08, 12:29 AM IntentionalCruelty US(IL), 4 yrs MizTery wrote: New People In the last few months my subbie and I have created a new friendship with a fellow co-worker. He is a nice guy does a great job at work and is fun to be around. However, when he is over at my home and hanging out with us there are certian things that my subbie has to do before he can hang out. Like taking out trash, dishes, feed animals, get me things that I need just simple things. This new friend has made several comments about how I never do anything around the house and how my subbie does it all. Now, this friend has no idea that we are lifestyle and that is not something that I care to share with him becaue I am sure he will not understand. Every time he makes a comment like this I quickly respond with a yes he does a lot but he is treated very well at the same time. The friend is constantly telling me that my subbie needs more and that he does a lot for me but gets nothing in return even though this friend has no idea about our personal life. I have seen this attitude have a direct affect on my subbie as well. He is starting to take the side of this friend and I have to quickly snap him back into place and that works until the next comment its like a never ending battle. I am wondering how to overcome this bump in the road. I enjoy hanging out with this friend but I do not enjoy being crticized about my life and how i live it. Any sort of ideas would be nice. Also I have a code of conduct for my subbie and I am wondering what other masters put on this sort of list for their slaves or subbies. Thanks much. This is my opinion, and nothing more. If you want to continue to have this person in your life, you need to take him aside privately, and explain the situation and your lifestyle choices. Tell him that your sub chooses to serve you. Tell him his comments are making you both uncomfortable, and that, while you enjoy his company, if he continues to say those kinds of things he will not be welcome in your house. If he was saying these things, knowing your lifestyle, I'd have shown him the door immediately. You don't need a disrupting influence like this in your life. This is not an easy lifestyle to live; you don't need additional pressures from outside your home. Will Whip for Sex.